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The desire to get people to like me motivated the majority of my choices and actions in early life. Queen of social chameleons, I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.
When I first started building my coaching business, this craving for acceptance caused me to hide from opportunities where the potential for reward was high, but the possibility for criticism was equally large.
As an example, one of my first client referrals was to coach the CEO of a major corporation. My need for approval created immense anxiety about the value I provided for my clients and caused me to spend far too much time on tasks in order to perfect them.
It got to the point where I was wasting so much time and losing so many opportunities that I had to make a big decision: Fortunately I chose the latter option. Here I am, seven years later, running the same business with much greater ease and success as a result. Do you constantly make choices to avoid disapproval or criticism, rather than what is most valuable, effective or important to you? Do you hold yourself back from speaking your opinions or hide your true self?
This is something you can, and dare I say, must change if you want to be happy in your life and successful in your business or chosen work. It is possible to change. I have done so myself, and since then have helped many other people through my business to do the same.
The need for approval is negatively impacting your performance—you procrastinate, avoid doing important things, feel anxiety and fear, and get stuck in worry and rumination.
Wanting people to like you results in declining new opportunities, being too nervous to perform effectively, and showing signs of avoidance, such as apathy, withdrawal, analysis paralysis, and giving up.
If this rings true for you, focus upon how the need for approval is holding you back from doing the important things. Once you move past this, you will be free to achieve and create what you want in life with much less stress and effort, because you are currently exhausting yourself through avoidance. The need for approval in this case results in doing too much, feeling anxiety, worrying, being unable to stop ruminating about challenges, trying to please everyone, not making time for yourself, working too hard, and being unable to say no.
If this is you, focus upon how the need for approval is causing you to do too much instead of only what is important, and to do things for others at the expense of yourself. In this instance, what others think of you has little impact on your decision-making about how to spend your time.
However, your performance is low due to other motivational factors, such as being unaware of what is important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy. If this is you, focus your energy upon getting in touch with what really matters to you. Start to listen to what you really want in your life and act upon this to make it happen. Life becomes much more effortless when you are living in alignment with what is important to you. This is the goal I am always working toward with my coaching clients.
You make effective choices with your time, are OK with saying no when it is required, and are committed to only doing that which is important and valuable for what you want to achieve or create in your life.
In this space, you spend much less time in your head worrying about people and situations and more time just getting things done. Instead, you choose to see success as measured by doing what matters to you and to your results. This is a collaborative space where you lead and connect effectively with others, without being at their beck and call. The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you.
This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions. Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be. Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you. Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing.
Sacha Crouch is a psychologist, life coach, and the author of De-stress Your Success. She loves working with people who desire to create a greater sense of ease and happiness in life. Sacha is passionate about helping people embrace what is here now with less resistance and greater joy.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's not about me. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Click here to read more.
Can you relate to these issues? How to Let Go of the Need for Approval 1. Build a sound sense of self-acceptance. Let go of seeking validation from others. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts. How has the need for approval impacted your life?
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Roughly right, totally honest. I'm not saying stock picking doesn't work, it just doesn't work for everyone. I've made more money stock picking than I've lost and it's certainly fun and exciting. 3. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts. Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval. Nov 17, · The challenge, however, can lie in finding a real online job amidst the many remote work scams. In fact, that is one of the very reasons FlexJobs was created to create a safe, trusted resource for people to find legitimate work from home and flexible jobs, .