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The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have been fought in an age of embedded reporters, soldiers' blogs and YouTube videos from both the battlefield and the home front. Debut author Siobhan Fallon employs the more traditional, low-tech medium of short fiction to describe the lives of soldiers, and especially their families, in her new collection, You Know When the Men Are Gone. Fallon is a military wife herself, and her new book is based largely on the experiences of Army families in Fort Hood, Texas.
When soldiers leave on a deployment, she writes, their spouses somehow manage. They take the strangeness and make it normal. In her stories, wives have to deal with oil changes and home repairs -- as well as loneliness, the crises of adolescent kids and sometimes infidelity and death. Suddenly, you're just very aware of the families. Those families, she says, learn to adapt while their soldiers are away. And sometimes, when their soldiers return, they pretend like they're starting all over again.
But then when they come home, it's like starting anew, so it gives this whole feel of a new life starting. An army base is a bit of a fishbowl, and I don't want to say that people are in each other's business, but you're hoping that your neighbors are doing OK. And when you think they might not be, people have a tendency to try and help them out.
And that could be seen as nosy or it could be seen as being really responsible, but it's a fine line and because it's such a small world, I think the wives are aware of presenting a stable life. You've been through a deployment before, so you have that in common right away.
And especially in a place like Fort Hood, where so much of the community is military to begin with, you're surrounded by spouses who have so much in common with you that it's just easier to form those friendships, instead of the civilian friendships that would include the husband that you suddenly don't have.
On why there are some things in the military, like asking a military spouse for a loan, that are just unheard of. If she asks another spouse in her husband's unit [for a loan], it might get to the chain of command that somebody's having money troubles and then it reflects poorly on the soldier. So there are certain things that spouses might not always want to share, especially with strangers or people who aren't their closest friends. And then suddenly he was gone and I would have no idea what plumber we used or how to turn off the furnace -- these things that I can't even call him to find out.
So it's definitely a tremendous readjustment when your soldier leaves. And it's almost as big of a readjustment when he returns, because after a year, you've actually finally figured out how to be independent.
It's natural that there would be a little tension in that situation. There were no sounds from above, no lights throwing shadows, no floorboards whining, no water running or the snicker of late-night TV laugh tracks. The basement window, his point of entry, was open. The screws were rusted, but Nick had come prepared with his Gerber knife and WD; got the screws and the window out in five minutes flat. He stretched onto his stomach in the dew-wet grass and inched his legs through the opening, then pushed his torso backward until his toes grazed the cardboard boxes in the basement below, full of old shoes and college textbooks, which held his weight.
He mapped out the route, calculating the minutes it would take for each task, considering the placement of streetlamps, the kind of vegetation in front, and how to avoid walking past houses with dogs.
He figured out whether the moon would be new or full and what time the sprinkler system went off. He staged this as carefully as any other surveillance mission he had created and briefed to soldiers before. He should have been relieved that he was inside, unseen, that all was going according to plan. But as he screwed the window back into place, he could feel his lungs clench with rage instead of adrenaline.
How many times had he warned his wife to lock the window? Trish argued that the open window helped air out the basement. A theory that would have been sound if she actually closed the window every once in a while. I think we can take care of ourselves. Take care of this, Nick thought now, twisting the screw so violently that the knife slipped and almost split open his palm, the scrape of metal on metal squealing like an assaulted chalkboard.
Nick could be any lunatic loose in the night, close to his unprotected daughter in her room with the safari animals on her wall, close to his wife in their marital bed. This particular reconnaissance mission had started with a seemingly harmless e-mail.
Your purchase helps support NPR programming. Accessibility links Skip to main content Keyboard shortcuts for audio player. Families, she says, take the strangeness of deployment and learn how to create a new normal. Facebook Twitter Flipboard Email. January 18, Heard on Fresh Air. Books Featured In This Story. Amazon iBooks Independent Booksellers.
We have one kid who is four years old. I'm responsible for everything. He did not want to go back out and tried … New to OTR, lonely? I've read several post here along with the comments left. I'm a young mother of three and my husband is starting truck driving school soon and we are not financially stable at this time and I'm not … Have no idea what to make of this!
Hopefully some of you wives out there can give me some advice as to what could be going wrong. My husband has been an OTR driver now for 3 years. I am so worried something has happened to him. You feel like you are on you own but you are really not.
He decided this year he wants to be a truck driver. I only started driving a mere 2 years ago. My ex-husband went from being a diesel mechanic to truck driver just before our daughter was born.
He literally just got his training dispatch this morning and is headed from TX to CA. I can't handle it and he has only been gone for 7 weeks. So, I have been dating my trucker for 5 and a half months, 2 of which hr has been OTR. I miss him a lot! I think driving has changed … being a truckers wife. As for me being a truckers wife. Its not easy him out on the road and me here at home alone.
I would never cheat on him let me make that clear. Working out so far I have been with my boyfriend 4 months now and the whole time he has been a trucker. When we first met he was just starting the training. Right now he … Please help!! Hi, I am 16 years old and I have been with my boyfriend who is now 18 for 4 years.
The hardest is missing him of course. I find it hard to believe all his habits prior to me have "changed" Been sharing apartment the past 4.
I took care of the financial responsibilities of living in apartment. He told me things that … Faithfully understanding. I have been married for 9yrs. My trucking husband has been driving … Should I ride?
I have been with my trucker for about a year. Since day one he has always said he'd love for me to get on the truck. I haven't talk to him much at all. I am starting to worry but trying to stay positive. She lives in a world surrounded by people who will never understand her. When my husband had to leave for two weeks to go over … Hate living in a truck means you don't love your husband? I just got married a month ago with my 2 years online boyfriend who has been a truck driver for 7 years.
We live in Pennsylvania. He's in California right now, and has been gone for two weeks. I see him two days out … Disappointed wife of a. The company he works for doesn't care about me and my husband continues to show me how his job is more important … Emotional abuse from my Trucker husband! Yes, he is a Trucker who trapped me in a marriage he is a Trucker and as been for several years he is also a Register Sex Offender in which I did not know … Living with Tator!!!!!
I am a trucker's wife and have been since I love my driver and will never change. I have a 12 year old from a previous relationship and then … Click here to write your own. He drives cross country. The relationship is so frustrating as he most times is tired, sleepy or totally drained. Not sure how to start. My name is kim. Been married to a trucker for over 17 years now.
We have been having some arguments lately because I miss him so bad when he is gone. He is a flat bed driver and loves his work. He is a over the road workaholic. He recently decided to go the owner operator route about a month ago. He is a long haul, flatbed driver. What started as a difference of opinion ended with him not speaking to me for two and a half days.
Our phone conversations are all we … If you think a trucker is tough you should meet his wife! Well, I must admit it depends on what day it is. Being married to a trucker has its ups and downs just like anything else.
I miss him very much when he's gone.. He is a regional trucker, but stays on the road for weeks at a time for financial reasons. Anyway, my hubby has this "friend", also a trucker. He talks to him constantly, I mean a lot His first time gone was extremely rough on the both … Click here to write your own.
I never did any provocation on my part to make my husband this way but while my husband calls me he never mentions sex when he will get home. Now I … Might be common sense to you but I have no idea I'm going OTR with my boyfriend. What are some things I absolutely need to know Rather than asking him who's going to give me the complicated answers … Trucker husbands can not be trusted!
I had no idea what that was. The beginning of the year I relocated myself and settled. Her father soon joined us as. I've dated this guy for almost a year now. He is sweet and caring. We are suppose to get married soon. I am a mother of a 3 yr old daughter.
Hubby and I are raising grandsons. We love the weekends with papa but Mondays are a drag. I am a new trucker wife but my father and grandfather were both truckers. My fiance is an over the road trucker I am new at this as my husband just became an OTR trucker. I've been told by other women that I know that they've seen him at strip clubs, he denies it. His cousin texted him if they were going just the other night. He's been a driver for about 3 years.
He's had a lot of trouble finding and keeping a partner … Is it Monday yet? Life is awesome when he's at work!! When he's home it sucks. Sorry to be so negetive but he's the one who made me this way! After talking for a couple of months on the computer and the phone, we decided he should come here for a visit. I have been thinking about it but i really have a lot of … Trucking companies should issue a warning label to wives! So we are not married, but have been together a couple years now, I have 2 boys from previous relationships, and now we have a beautiful baby girl together.
He has been gone on the road training for a month and a half. It always sounded easy in the beginning only 12 months … Challenged By The Road! Although I am not a wife my life is being challenged by the "Road". Just a short time ago someone was put in my life that I have long awaited for. Im going to marry a trucker Good afternoon to all, I have been dating a trucker It has been a living he'll.
At the begining of his trucking career it was extremely stressful … Life around a trucker really sucks!!!! From the moment he leaves out that front door.. My husband has been driving OTR for 16 long years. The recession took care of that so he decided that he was going to drive. I ride with him at all times. Love being with him. Sometimes he will drive all night … I love being a truckers wife!
My husband has been OTR for almost four years now, it was hard at first, we had 4 children, the youngest was 3 months old when he went back on the road. My fiance is gone for a week at a time and is only home 1 maybe 2 days if we're lucky. I've been finding on his phone porn. I am so excited for my husband. This month he makes the last payment on his rig and is completely the owner!!!! It's a lonely life on both sides. I don't know many truckers wives who are faithful. Before Harb went into trucking, he owned two boutiques.
I was working in a hospital accounting department and going to school. He started about 7 months ago. It's a really hard adjustment for me, alone with the kids and just alone.
I do miss him when he's gone, but unlike other women, I'm with him for the long haul, literally. He was divorced, his wife found another man, as he was never around, he blames her, but he did not take care of business. Just when he leaves the kids get sad and so do I. Then I fight the mood swings that I get when he leaves. My husband started driving last week. He left Sunday night and was back Friday morning.
Maybe others have found luck in trucking but we seem to be hitting road blocks all the time. He's been trucking for about 9 months now. His first day was new years eve. OK, here goes my situation. I want to leave, I am too young to suffer like this. I suggested a few changes … How do you take away this sadness!!!
My husband just started working this past Sunday as a trainee truck driver. This will be going on for two months during probation period! I was sad … new job, better schedule: I'm so excited that my hubby started with a new company a few months ago. Our only communication was phone. We have three children ages 8, 7,2 so … is this normal So I'm still with my trucker bit I am also still puzzled about a few things when he comes home its sex, food then sleep is this normal?
I guess all … New Truckers Wife here I am having a hard time dealing with him being gone for 10 days at a time!! I rode with … Anyone else have issues with their man's dispatcher? This dispatcher of the company that my boyfriend works for a damn ditz He's supposed to be … Click here to write your own. R trucker and I would not change one moment of our life together.
He was a trucker before … Two Year Puzzle! My husband has been an o. I was just browsing around tonight and I cam across this website. Can someone please tell me how? I love my trucker but I'm so frustrated with him. My son is almost 4 so he was just over one when my husband started. I have a stepson who is 9 who doesn't … First time doing this so here it goes I've never been one to have a blog or keep a journal about what I experience or how I'm feeling but with recent events I have been more interested at the … Not a wife but a girlfriend I love my boyfriend he is my world.
But I feel like he never puts himself in my shoes. He doesn't think how hard it is to be in one place without him. Been with my trucker now for two years. Not married, not engaged. I am raising his 2 children and my son while going to school and working. I hope someone can help ease my mind. My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months and we have a great relationship.
I met my husband in while he was hauling military loads for me on a regular basis out of state. My hubby became a trucker about 1. We have been married for almost 14 yrs now.
The key thing is to communicate everyday that he is gone. He calls me before he hits the road and before he goes to bed When I met my husband he was a countrywide- long haul truck driver, but as soon as he met me he gave up his job and … Agree or disagree??
There really needs to be a show on TV about truckers and their families, so the world has more understanding and appreciation for what our truckers do! My hubby started a new job last week, and now the area he's in has almost no cell service. I'm spoiled for talking with him almost daily … I love my trucker boyfriend but the truck is gone.
So Ive been dating my trucker boyfriend for over a year. At the time our oldest was 1 and I … I feel like a single mother My husband and I have been married almost four years and have two babies together. But before that, he had relationships … Click here to write your own. We've been married 6 yrs and have 4 kids all together but only our youngest lives with us full time We will never have kids, so at least thats not going to be an issue.
Husband and i married in Ohio, his home town and we moved to AZ. He got the o. He stays out up to one month at a time. I don't like riding around all the time its boring to me. He was at a rest area asleep in the sleeper berth of his truck.
A car went airborne and crashed into the drivers side … can they be trusted. Well ive been engaged to a trucker for 2 years ive caught him cheating with a woman he met online while being on the road. He denied at first then was … some days are better than others I have been with my driver 2 years now, married a year and a half. I won't sugar coat it I hated … From everyday contact to none. I'm new to this all myself. My husband is at orientation this week before the training period and already i'm crying.
We have 2 kids. Our relationship has been super rocky this pass year. My husband just started his job 2 months ago and I'm still trying to get used to him being gone. It has been a lonely heart ripping experience for me. Im conflicted and afraid.. I just started a relationship with a truck driver and I can tell this will be a long term love.
Due to his schedule it was a miracle we even met on a week … WHY??? We had it sooo good! I'm a trucker wife for 49 yrs. First, it's the perfect world for a trucker. I've been married for 18 years and they have not been great. My husband's on the road again, and might get two days at home this week.
He has been a trucker for about twelve years. I seemed to raise our daughters on my own. My husband and i have been married almost 3 yrs. After reading so many heartbreaking stories from others like me, I know … Click here to write your own. This life was something I fought my husband on … Questions for the experienced kinda long, i'm sorry Hi, my husband has been an OTR truck driver since January.
I wasn't very fond of the idea. I'm a newbee not a wife yet but hopefully one day will Iget that title.. I been by … Great song for Wives of Truckers! Hello ladies, I just came across a song that's perfect for Wives of Truckers. It epitomizes what each wife feels when her man is on the road, and how … the life of a truckers wife.. It is not for everyone! I have been married for 18 years to the love of my life He is usually gone anywhere from 2 to 3 and a half weeks at a time.
Well I'm new to this whole world and we havnt even started the hard part. I'm a truckers girlfriend, weve been together four mo. He has always expressed his love for OTR. I always was comfortable with the idea. Alright, so I just married my husband on July 7th of this year. Our relationship progressed very quickly we met only a year ago or so. When I first … Never see him.. I've been engaged to my fiance for a little over a year and a half. He is only home twice a month. A total of four days is all I get with him.
I actually met my trucker thru Facebook. The only issue is I was prepared for it to happen so soon I've been pushing … I get it I am a girlfriend of a trucker. I adore him as much as he adores me, he is my soul mate. Some days I wonder if i am his first or second love.. Im previously married and divorced and was honestly good at being single. So I have the best of both worlds. Well in general him and I both are new to this scene. He started driving in February.
We just had our first baby on June Hubby has taken on some trucking jobs, don't get me wrong they pay very well. A month or 6 weeks ago, I posted a profile in here and I added my story of how proud I was to be trucker's … Am I wrong?
So I'm looking for some feedback from you ladies of those of you who are in a romantic relationship with a truck driver. So here's my situation: I have no girl friends, only guy friends. Of those three years we have slept in the same bed each night. Of those 24 years 18 of them my husband worked in a factory.
I will support him and … Click here to write your own. Back in he was at a dead end job at a recycling job. I feel like I am living a double life. Where for most of the time I am living alone. Then this man comes home and I have a married life again. After 21 yrs of marriage I discovered what his life on the road was all about. Actually he was a Greyhound bus driver.
My husband was a Truck Driver when he and I began dating a decade ago. When he popped the question, he promised me that he was going local, and that him … Not really sure My name is Jenna. Im 22 and this August it will be 4 years being married to my wonderful husband, Joshua Marshall Reed.
I am still learning to deal with the separation factor, even though we text and talk daily. My husband has been an over the road driver for 10 years. We have been married for 3.
He got home at 4: We have no children. But the time passes so much when he is not home. He's been lucky to have jobs where he was home more. He's been telling me how much he enjoys me being with him and how much help … He does it for his family! My husband just started driving otr hazmat tankers about two months ago, and my life has totally changed. I have taken on both being a long distance … When the home is as lonely as the open road. My husband has only been trucking it up for 13 months but, to me and our daughter it feels like a lifetime.
When he first started driving again he … Life as a trucker's wife is stressful but well worth it. It can be tough to b a truckers wife. It has it's up's and down's. I have no support from his family at all.
I could whine that I miss him but then he could be in a foreign … Never thought I could do this?? I was even teaming with him for a period of six months … The long road of being alone at home. My husband and I have been married for four years but together for eight. I love him dearly. After being a trucker's girlfriend for nearly 10 months, I suddenly became a trucker's fiancee! We've been dating for 3yrs, 4mos now, and are beyond … How do you do it?
My partner, of 7 years, Trisha, left for training on Friday. I know I'm new, but I'm already feeling down about this whole thing. And yes we really needed the money. He tells me he loves me and he could cheat out there if he wishes to because I would … if you have a life.. Our relationship is primarily over the phone. I'm going … I hate being a Truckers wife!
In July we'll be married for 3 years. He started driving in September of last year.. Things to do to keep your trucker happy When your trucker shuts down close by. I was 6 when him and my mother divorced. He loves me but not in love with me. I have 4 step kids and one of my own so that's 5. So much although I wish he spend more time with me and his kids. But he works his ass off for us.
Its very hard because the reason why I married him was to be with him. And that never is the case. I have seen a lot of the country by going with him. Now that he has reached his Fifty's … I love this life as a trucker's wife!!!
My husband and I are both I have two grown kids and he has a 12 yr old that lives with us. He is gone all week but comes in most weekends. I can't say it's easy and at times its the hardest thing in the world.
He's a trucker and has been for about 12 years. You make me smile and my heart sing. Together we share 4 children from previous … Another unhappy wife I was reading all of your stories and was laughing, probably the onset of a mental break-down.
After almost three years now, I've figured out that … Click here to write your own. My teddy and i have a very complicated relationship as it is. I just met him this past weekend and I swear to you ladies fireworks! This is how my husband feels about truck driving. A self inflicted sentence that ultimately we his wife and children were the cause of. Some days … Im married???? When my husband and i first started dating he drove a dump truck locally and that was fine he was home every night, which was great.
After reading here for an hour or so, I am feeling much better. He is about to solo out. I'm months … Livin on the Edge. My Husband and I have been Together since we were He Started driving truck about years ago?? I supported him in his career and raised the children mostly by myself.
Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has been training in school to become a trucker and has been scouted by … Baby due next month and husband considering otr trucking We have a 6-year-old daughter, 2-year-old son and a baby due in 5 weeks. My husband lost his long term job about 6 weeks ago and we are getting desperate.
I have only known my man for 6 months come December 17th. His Mom is a trucker for 16 years but she drives local … I thought the trucking lifestyle would be easy Like I said, I thought it would be easy. When I first met my fiance, Nick, he didn't have a job and his dad was a trucker. I think we should name them that … What about when he's home? My boyfriend is coming home hopefully in about 6 weeks. He was supposed to be home for 2 weeks but it looks like his time will be cut short.
He'll … sleep studies gone wild! He was a Barber and he came home every night. I am feeling down and tired. It's really hard to be a truckers wife not just because we miss them but also because we worry so much about them, are they eating right, are they feeling … so lonesome i could cry. She is fixing to turn 9 months. Adapt to him leaving, i cry almost every … Click here to write your own. My husband is my best friend and a good man of God.
We have two kids.. One of our kids is special needs and it is really hard … I am proud to be a truckers wife. I am a truckers wife. No way am I paying someone to look after my son when he already looses one parent enough! He needs support and he needs his mum! In future if you read something and you dont really agree, just scroll away or delete it. Wind ya neck in an stop being miserable!
All she was saying was that alot of people are misinformed when it comes to the pay of our military members. I as a military wife I made the choice to get out of the AF and be the main caregiver for our family. We do live off just my husbands paycheck. I choose my children over a job and I will never regret it! I can respect an arrangement like this. That is what the allowance is for, right? To help the families adjust and to stabilize. My issue is with how many people complain about the amount of government assistance they are receiving.
I never see active duty folks complaining about pay freeze. Perhaps they know that their paychecks will catch up after the freeze, but the wives, oh boy, do they cry and cry. There is no misunderstanding here. I am the wife of an air force ssgt. I know what they pay looks like for non-officer personnel. They are hard earned paychecks. What are you doing to deserve tax money I worked my ass off for? Money I earned my training myself in a field I knew would help me to be an independent, whole person in society.
So what do you do for me, the tax payer? I do hear about it, but only from the wives of military men. I only want friends who are real parts of society who work hard and earn what they have. No one forced anyone into anything. Leave; no one will judge you, but I doubt you will, because the lifestyle is so damned comfortable.
We do receive a small amount more in basic allowance for housing. The housing allowance along with my husbands pay is actually less then what we would make total in the civilian world.
Dont worry, we did the math. My husband receives no extra pay for having a spouse and children. They are anti-military and full of ignorance. You must also be living on base. We have paid out of pocket every posting our 7th. No, my posts are anti-non-working spouses of military folks. No one is embarrassed in my home. Are you trying to tell me that the active duty member in your household did NOT in fact get a bump in pay once they received a dependent?
Are you trying to make me feel BAD that you had to pay some rent for your place? Not complaining one bit.
Not whining about paying rent, either, just correcting you. Love my life as a military wife. Most of them have been kind, respectful, helpful, resourceful, competent, hard working, and supportive. I love him and support him. BAH most certainly does cover rent off base and utilities. Thank you so much to Nadia for pointing this out — what a Christmas miracle. We pay taxes, worst w eBay taxes for welfare people that do not work. Putting down spouses of military that do not work is ridiculous.
Even so, you are one messed up person. Nadia I admire you going up against the military wives of the world. Not easy but stand strong. Comparrisons make me sick. All these posts are about is cry me a river and hear my sob story.
I am a spouse of a retired Army E7 who did his 20 years. Most of us live paycheck to paycheck and have little to no savings. I am sure not many realize how hard it is for military families. Thank you for the post and thanks to ALL military families. We generally remember those serving and those who have served but seldom think about their families.
It is a shame but also true. God bless each and every one of you for all you do. I can relate to so much of this. The having to do everything. The not having control. Just TDY a bunch of times. Still it was hard, at times, mostly when my children were very young. Not a good day!!!! With women in combat, guess who stays home with the kiddies and doing everything you mentioned above? Thank your for this comment! Sarah, Thank you so much for this story, very well written.
The beauty in this piece is it could be either. My boyfriend now husband and I were both in at the same time.
He was getting out and I was staying. Military families are amazing. The sacrifices they all make on a daily basis.. It truly does make the times together that much more special. I just so happen to know someone you could talk with http: Chris Pape is a great guy. I am a mentor. It would not surprise me if the Army and Air Force have similar programs. Sarah, My husband is a military spouse, and has these very same struggles.
These 10 things are not unique to women. I love that you wrote this piece, and would love if even more if it were written with these extraordinary men i mind.
Too ofte they arethe silemt, forgotten minority, plugging away at all the workthey usually share, and for some reason,no one even knows or consider they exist.
As a member of the Navy, I am grateful for the work and support our military wives provide, but as the regularly deployed half of my ciuple, I am extremely grateful for my Navy husband. It is definitely difficult for anyone in that position, and I commend you for doing it! I have been a spouse for 6 yrs and counting. We hold the fort down while our spouses are gone, and it can definitely be overwhelming.
I appreciate this article because it depicts our struggle, and it reminds me how strong we actually are. Wish you and your family the best of luck!! I think the only reason these men go 2 the military is 2 get away from home yell they want the money but if u no u are going 2 be gone 4 years why jump up and leave a world that u was in with your family just 2 leave your family 2 fight in war smart u men are dum u women are o I think am the strong 1 out all cause I let that ass go wasting my life away on shit who going 2 set around just 4 a dam man 2 go kill other or they get kill right have a back bone 4 your self and kids so they will love u much more with a great life cause this is not it url.
This was the best account so far of what I learned after 2marriages. One Navy one Army 13 years total 4 kids. My last husband made one. The rest I had alone or with family present. Thank you, because nobody understands our world. God Bless the spouses!!! I really enjoyed this article. I read this article struck a chord with me.
Not a pleasant harmonious chord, but one that would compare to nails on a chalkboard. I sat on it for about 10 hours before I decided to post about it. I wanted to make sure I hit all the wickets of what truly bothers me about this blog post. While I completely applaud the people that wrote it for having created something in an organized fashion piece of writing, the content and sentiment are..
I have to consider myself a subject matter expert on this topic. I have been on all sides of this military triangle. It has also been my experience that this group please forgive me here.. I was also married past tense to one.
So believe me when I say…I am a subject matter expert on this. You are not a victim. Loving a super hero does not make you special. You are not special. Your kids are not special. The person that puts country in front of all things personal, is very special.
Your kids have the same needs as any other child. All kids will face harsh times, rejection, awkwardness fitting in, will have to learn to adjust to changes. And it is hard! Regardless if mommy or daddy has a job that takes them out of the home for long periods of time. This group IS special in that they have more resources available to them to help them deal with all the difficulties of being a military family, than any other.
And they are FREE!!! That is special, and should be utilize. This is a universal application, not special to military folks. Become a whole person. The military branch they joined is the 1 in their lives, regardless of your, your kids not medically related or THEIR personal needs.
Actually, you might have to remind your military member of it from time to time when they are depressed or whine about leaving. With all that being said, I want to thank all the wives, husbands and significant others of the military members out there, personally. Purely as an educational piece, this does have merit. Thank you for your insights and providing some levity to this rather sensitive subject, but there are parts of this that are worth not dismissing.
Thanks for this comment. I have been wanting to respond to clear a few things up. I want all readers to know that in writing about my experience, I am in no way disrespecting or making light of other challenges that other types of families have.
Of course, we all face unique challenges and we all reach a point where we are at our limit. Sometimes, some years, are easier than others. So, I wanted to write this article, as a way to process my thoughts and the life I lead. And there are unique challenges we face, just like there are unique challenges in other lifestyles.
This is just my perspective. Tough stuff, for everyone in the family. It's not a matter of opinion. Military wives ARE Special. Just as our elite forces and "teams" are special. Only a handful make it, just as not all military marriages survive. But the ones that do, are often supported by amazing women. These women — They are strong women. They don't stand behind their husbands, they stand beside them. Military Wives ARE special. It's your right to feel otherwise. The author's response to your post was classy and graceful, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
No matter what, the fact remains, and it will always remain — the wives of soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines and even the Coast Guard are some of the strongest, savviest, most resourceful, and envied women in existence Except for my ol' Gunny's wife.
These women aren't just wives. I've seen more civilian spouses fail to provide support for their loved one when they're needed the most, more often than military wives. Because of the title — "Military Spouse". It's like being called "Marine", the title alone grants the individual courage and pride. The title "Chief" grants authority and respect.
Just as the title, "Military Wife", grants understanding and strength. And if they stop believing they're special, they will fail. That is concept that is understood, only by those who have been there. So, if they realize that they are not special in their plight as mother and wife husband or father , they will fail in their lives?
I can honestly say, no one can take that away from me regardless what they say, do and no matter how common I am! I guess you miss the part where I said I was a military spouse, the later joined myself. If more people did this and felt this way and actually expressed it whatever walk of life , wow- the amazing stuff this would do for our society!
You owe your wife. I had to earn everything I have achieved in my life, so did you. And so should she. How about Melinda Gates? I owe my wife. You might be layered with diamonds and rubies. You might be worth a million bucks! But you could be so much more — with flowers. You could be worth a million dollars, plus the cost of the exotic flowers! See, as individuals, we view the world through one set of eyes. With my wife by my side, I can see things differently — based on how she sees the world.
So, you might want to expand your narrowed vision a little. I, on the other hand, can admit that in my time of need; through hospitalizations, through recovery, through sickness, through unemployment, through moments of rage and confusion — her emotional support pushed me to move forward. While others, such as those who are appreciative of where they are because of their personal experiences in a community such as a community of Military Spouses , are thankful and love sharing their experiences.
You, sistersailor — are whining. It could be as simple as smiling at each other, or laughing at a perverted joke that no one else laughs about. Great response, Military Hubster! We ARE a special breed, and we are so thankful we have wonderful spouses, who are also a very special breed, that love and support us, too. Thank you for being one of them! A Military Husband, You Sir are a rare find. I was in a beautiful marriage that lasted a long time, with my best friend, dealing with unfair issues, but loving the life and the people we met.
Agree with so much of this. I really do think alot of wives need to get off there high horses. I am a military wife amongst other things, Martyr not being one of them, You make your own choices in life. However, I think it misses a bigger point. Life as a military spouse IS different than what many of us experience I am not a military family member, but some people who I love are and yes, it IS difficult in many ways. And to pretend that it is not, and to just suck it up, and never discuss those difficulties, just invites more problems later, especially in military marriages.
Everyone should have others who at least try to understand and sympathize with what they are going through. And expressing those difficulties does not mean that someone is trying to play the victim, nor does it mean that she thinks that she is the only one who has difficulties. I am happy to have read this post, and I hope it will help me to have a bit more sympathy and gratitude for those who make such huge sacrifices for me and for our country. Also goes for the spouse of the military member.
I think some spouses that do not feel properly regarded for their contributions inside the home or family, social group look outside for encouragement and acknowlegdement. If the realization that you are not special in your plight rocks the foundation on which you operate- then you have bigger problems than being a military spouse. That was my point in the beginning and my point now. I never promised to be tactful or coddle you in my delivery…but one thing I promise to you is honesty.
I hope you never do. Part of me wishes there was something you could have argued with me about, just because honesty and stinging truth is so refreshing. There comes a point where, when something really hurts you, you have to look inward and figure out why, then fix it. I hope that you will always be this strong and determined. This is a fascinating discussion and you ALL have compelled me to jump in.
I agree with some of the concepts SisterSailor shared, although I absolutely do not agree with the tone and lens through which they were shared. If you spend any time in a military community, you are bound to meet military spouses who do promote themselves as victims or entitled to every benefit and more.
But as human beings, we should never judge others without fully understanding their situations — as someone said, until you walk in their shoes.
I found a lot of truth in this article! After 5 deployments, I am seriously tired and more often than not want to be left alone to focus on the day-to-day. I have a system that works and I am SO proud of my how well my children have adjusted. And yes, I feel pretty damn special!!
Most of their civilian friends cannot relate to this. I think the biggest thing I wanted to weigh in on was this notion of victimhood. I chose my husband fully aware of the lifestyle I would be adopting.
I have been extremely fortunate to not only keep working throughout my marriage through eight PCS moves, but have actually built a career. I learn more every day from my fellow milspouses and am continuously impressed with their resilience and strength and humor! I too, have appreciated the discussion here. I have reiterated in an above comment, and will say again here, I do not consider myself a victim.
I agree with your words here; expressing difficulty does not generalize to victimhood; you have said it well. This article was written to express a specific part of this lifestyle; the tough stuff. There are lots of good things too, which is why I linked to my article from a few years ago, which was mostly positive. Active duty, both male and female, spouses, both male and female, stay at home moms, and working moms have been among the commenters.
And the cool thing is that everyone has a different story, a different perspective and a different life, stemming from their own experiences. We all have our own battles to fight. And this piece is small slice of what my actual life is. Of course; we are all complicated and layered. Thank you so much for such an insightful comment. You wrote a great piece, by the way. Has nothing to to do with pity, or coddling, or victimhood. That goes back to reading comprehension.
A mode of expression considered standard: Two-word verbs are valid linguistic coin in the 20th century. For the American Heritage Dictionary definition: Retrieved December 3 from http: Circumstance that they actively took part in creating. This can be very tempting thing to do, as I have to remind myself of this often.
I do think that we all know people who let this happen to them, and those are the individuals for which I am referring. Dear Sistersailor, Thank you very much for your service. It is because of you and others like you, that I can reply freely and respectfully tell you to pound sand. Your beef about kids acting up in the commissary is noted. I have seen and unfortunately experienced it myself. But kids act up in lots of places. I have never had an issue with folks in uniform getting head-of-the-line privileges, until I saw a member in uniform with HER two kids and spouse and two carts full of groceries who tried to cut the line.
SHE was shopping with her family on payday with lots of coupons, and she claimed head of the line privilege because she was in uniform.
That really bugged me. Sister, do you have children? What you are is an observer of the behavior of other people and their children in an area that has limited accessibility.
We all make choices, Sister. I chose to be a stay-at-home-mom until my kids got to high school. You make your choices as life suits you. You have never personally encountered any of the people who have posted here, so you might consider apologizing for the ignorant insults you have slung.
Sorry, but I will not forgive you here, because you are simply an angry, intolerant, entitled, resentful, jealous individual who has no sense of what it means to share a life or responsibility with another human being.
If you read the Sistersailor post further up the page, you would see that she was the parent that did the leaving due to her being active duty on deployment. Apparently, Sistersailor has experienced a lot more than you in life and has the right to call out some of this petty behavior that SOME military spouses do on a daily basis. I could throw insults around too, but to be honest, I like to rise above it!!! We should be supporting each other no matter what our situation is.
You make me cynical! I fell even more hopeless for ur children!!!! You see, I am from a small non-military town. My impression of the military growing up was limited to the parodied and glamorized version that you see on television.
When I was 17, I fell so hard in love with a boy, I knew I would never leave his side. I envisioned our future together, which consisted of what I saw as normal. We would go to college, we would have careers where we worked jobs, we would buy a home, stay put, raise a family and our kids would grow up the same way we did.
By 19 we were married and neither of us had a clue what we were getting ourselves into. How handy would it be to have been born military brat instead? It is a fact that most of us have pushed a stroller at one time or another. Most of us admire women in uniform more so than we admire the men.
While I have certainly known some active duty women who lived up to their own negative stereotypes, I know that those women are few and far between. We are all different.
No, we are not special as you have pointed out, but we are not all the same. It is just exactly what the title suggests: It just gives a glimpse into how my life is a little or a lot different than theirs, or maybe it would show them how we are the same, depending on their situation. You are a mad person Sistersailor. And yes……Sistersailor is right, we are not special, our children are not special.
He takes care of the country, I take care of the family. As simple as that. Sir, I did read the post that Sister Sailor wrote and I understood it completely. I disagreed, but I completely understood her writing.
I am sorry that you feel the way that you do. I support my husband and this life style that we chose together, but just because we chose to do this as a team does not make the article any less truthful.
While I agree that the very rare individual acts in the manner which sistersailor describes, I will also restate that I believe that most military spouses are kind, loving, supportive and giving and for YOU, sir, to deny this fact, is ludicrous and I do not wish you life vision on anyone. I can honesty say that I am sickened by all this infighting between military members and their families.
It is child like at best. We need to support each other after 10 years of war, hold each other up and care for each other. I believe there is no room for the nonsense that you spew with your vitriol and hate. Good luck and I hope you have a better day. It is refreshing to have somebody put into words what I have felt off and on over the past decade. In no way did I take you as saying that only military wives go through hard times and have husbands that are gone a lot, in fact I appreciated your shout out to single moms because I very often feel the same awe at all they do.
I know my message posted is obviously not for all spouses. My mother former military spouse was my role model and she is a pillar of strength, because of what she learned to do as a military spouse. As a child, I watched her struggled to learn how to do all the moving, shifting, sacrificing, step-ball-change that is the dance of the military military lifestyle. I am honored to serve my country.
I willingly accept all that befuddles my military life. The purpose behind my message is simply the hope for spouses to gain a footing in who they are and understand their own self worth outside of their roles to family. Many people do not, will not.
Either they are too lazy, too scared, or just uneducated that they have the right and really duty to it. Nobody can handle everything, not the best mom, wife- whatever role you have in the military family. We all have our breaking points. I never had the option to stay home with my children. And maybe my message is not very politically correct, I get that. And sometimes I wear yoga pants too. There are so many spouses with families that will even follow their military member to foreign duty stations and refused to leave the base.
They constantly need attention and the first thing the Ombudsman said to my group at my new command, was about this very thing. Which, is really the whole point of this crazy game we are playing, right? As crazy of a lifestyle military families lead, they actually have a more stable version than most civilians that are stuck trying to pay insurance premiums the size of mortgage statements and are always on the brink of loosing their jobs and being homeless. That will not happen to a military family.
For you to say this is very wrong: I am educated, smart, and am far from lazy. I have a sense of self-worth and how dare you limit what I do, say, think or feel. I understand your sentiment that woman should gain an understanding of who they are but being a supportive spouse is a valid option if anyone wishes to choose it. Your statement says that I must find my self-worth in an area YOU deem worthy, why, how big of you to dictate where I find myself and what I find important.
I do find a sense of worth by caring for my family, my husband and the other people I come in contact within this military life. Your statement belittles my contribution to this country and I find it insulting for you to presume that I am lazy and uneducated.
If you did not intend for that to be the message, than mea culpa, but maybe if you were smarter you would have been able to make your intent known without insulting people. In the end, we all must find our own path and no one can tell you how to do it. Woman need to stop putting each other down and raise each other up. When I was deployed my kids had to rely on their father. I had to trust him to do what was best for the kids. I would wait sometimes two hours to make a phone call that would disconnect within a minute- then try to recall 10 more times before I had to give up my spot.
I joined the military because I wanted to make my contribution to the world and citzen of this country, bigger than the mere existance of myself. I hope someday my children will understand that.
Thank you for the insight. What are you talking about? Who said anything about being a victim?? Have you ever been acquainted with the phrase about the pot and the kettle?
Where you and I need to agree to disagree is the point about specialness. Everyone is special, truck driver, single moms everyone in their own way. I think what we do as sposues is noble. We love and care for a man or woman who has vowed to give their life in the service of our country. It makes the long days of deployment seem not so bad, I am giving to the greater good. I am very sorry that you do not see things this way as it is sad state of mind to assume that others are victims when we are strong, capable, loving and hard working.
Do you believe that I just sit around doing nothing wringing my hands. But being the spouse of a military member is hard and sometimes it sucks but we do it for the greater good. Now before you go off the deep end, I understand that other people have hard lives too, but that fact does not negate that military spouse have hard lives too. I get a real sense of superiority from you and again I can not effect that except to point it out to you. I am also not judging your choices I am judging your words, the content of your character do to speak.
I hope this clears up my status as a victim. I think that we all know people who let this happen to them, and those are the individuals for whom I am referring. I see it everyday….
I think you misunderstand what I am writing here, where you quoted. I am not saying that people must work outside the home to gain this understanding of themselves. They can find any number of ways to do this, whatever works best for them. French amateur country sex. Anal Sex At Home.
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