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The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Welcome to Sex Qs, a weekly column where The Globe's Amberly McAteer seeks answers to your sex questions, talking to sexperts and regular Canadians alike.
Last week, I told a reader seeking sex advice to "never, ever — ever! He had been given the "green light" from his wife, who has admitted to a low libido, to have casual, non-monogamous sex. I urged him to try harder with his wife, but, if he had to, seek a casual arrangement with a willing party on the Internet.
The contrarian responses were fast and furious: If he's looking for sex without the emotions, the e-mails and online comments and phone calls argued, a professional, monetary transaction is the way to go. Everyone has a talent! I had not a clue this would cause an uproar. I thought most people were on the same page — I mean, we're talking about reducing someone's daughter to a paid means for sexual enjoyment.
So I felt it important to clarify, to dig deeper into these pro-prostitution beliefs that had rattled me for days. This debate isn't about the criminality of sex work, a heavy and complex subject filled with grey areas — that's a matter for the Supreme Court of Canada, which is currently battling all sides of the debate. At issue is what values embody worthwhile sex, and my philosophy is this: Whether it happens during a one-night stand, a summer fling, a friends-with-benefit arrangement or a life-long marriage, there must be a base human connection — two willing, interested humans agreeing to a good time — and a special, intimate experience.
Stephen de Wit, a sexologist I talked to last week about what makes good sex and with a PhD in human sexuality, he knows a thing or two about good sex. Even a casual, Internet-brokered one-night stand would be good for my reader in need, de Wit says. So putting a monetary value to this encounter, like getting your carpets cleaned or your nails done, removes all the fun. She's not there because she finds you attractive, charming or seductive, so what's the point? The reader may not be looking for love — but he is looking for good, mind-blowing sex.
I've never been into a strip club, for related reasons: I'd likely end up talking the ladies into attending night school, or walking my dog for a nominal fee.
Yes, I write this from my middle-class pedestal. I've never fallen on life-threatening hard times, but I know this: Women, every single one of them, are worth more than their bodies. In an ideal world, everyone would see that.
But clearly, I'm a newbie in this world. In the interest of exploring all sides of the debate, I tracked down a friend-of-a-Facebook-friend who agreed to talk to me about his experience with prostitutes — or "prosties" as he called them — and why he frequents a Toronto brothel. Tim, a divorced year-old from Mississauga who hasn't had free sex in over six months, met me at a pub. I was shocked at how easy it was to find someone with personal experience and didn't know exactly what to ask.
Thankfully, he wanted to share. He admits that "regular sex" would be a better option, but says it's difficult to meet people in his circles. Still, "doing it with someone I see a lot … that'd be better I guess. He tells me about his lost love, his ex-wife.
His eyes light up when he talks about their honeymoon heat — but they darken again when the conversation turns. He starts ranting about one lady in particular at the "house" he frequents. His emotional attachment to her is clear "she's pretty and really sweet, you'd like her, I swear" and he genuinely thinks she cares about him. What about your safety? Tim's response is quick, and blunt: He uses protection, but admits, "when I get to that point and I'm there, I'm not worried about safety. When Tim and I part ways, I walk home, confident in my original advice, but saddened for those who can't avoid prostitution.
The decision to pay someone for sex not only diminishes the act, I think to myself, but devalues both parties involved. Have a sex question? This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff.
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Read our community guidelines here. African and Mideast Business. ETFs Up and Down. Letters to the Editor. The Real Estate Market. Article text size A. Open this photo in gallery: Published June 18, Updated May 11, Who knew paying for sex was so divisive a topic. Story continues below advertisement. Follow Amberly McAteer on Twitter amberlym.
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There is nothing inescapable about deciding to get sexually involved. I sometimes wish we Brits could see ourselves through the eyes of less booze-dependent cultures. Far from admiring our ability to open our hearts after a vat of vodka, they pity us the emotional reserve that makes inebriation an essential precursor to communication.
By all means, adopt it as your own. All hail the return of the commitment-phobic. My answer would be to reject his calls, move on emotionally as well as physically, and put plenty of distance between you.
Maybe you should pick up a copy. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter mariellaf1. Topics Relationships Dear Mariella. Research published in found that the numbers of men who pay for sex had doubled in a decade. Another told me that he felt "disappointed — what a waste of money", "lonely still" and "guilty about my relationship with my wife". In fact, many of the men were a mass of contradictions. Despite finding their experiences "unfulfilling, empty, terrible", they continued to visit prostitutes.
I interviewed 12 of the men, and found it a fascinating experience. To a third person it looks like we're in love. I felt compassion for Alex. No one had shown him how to form a bond with another human being and he was searching for something that commercial sex was never going to provide.
But another of the interviewees left me feeling concerned. Darren was young, good-looking and bright; I asked him how often he thought the women he paid enjoyed the sex.
If she enjoys it I would feel cheated. But they still continued to visit them. More than half admitted that they either knew or believed that a majority of women in prostitution were lured, tricked or trafficked. Another said that he had "seen women with bruises, cuts and eastern European accents in locations where lots of trafficked women and girls are". She told me she had been tricked.
I had sex with her and she seemed fine with the sex. She asked me to help her, but I said there was little I could do. She might have been lying to me. One of the most interesting findings was that many believed men would "need" to rape if they could not pay for sex on demand.
One told me, "Sometimes you might rape someone: Half of the interviewees had bought sex outside of the UK, mostly in Amsterdam, and visiting an area where prostitution is legal or openly advertised had given them a renewed dedication to buying sex when they returned to the UK. Almost half said that they first paid for sex when they were below the age of Maybe he wanted to make sure we weren't gay.
We went to a brothel. Dad didn't do it, and I don't think he told my mum. Another man paid for sex during a stag trip to Thailand with eight of his friends.
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