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Then I repositioned my legs by sitting in a normal car riding position and played with my vagina with my hand. Also, naturally, I was sitting in the middle seat. All of this most likely happened in economy seat Since vaginas are a bit more complicated than penises, female masturbation is much less straightforward than its male counterpart. Mastering female masturbation is an art form, really.

Below are some tips from various women on how to tackle solo sex most effectively. I just thrust it in and out, again and again—slower to start and than fast, like Thumper the bunny. I get wetter and wetter until I cum.

Just hold it down there, moving it around so the pressure of the stream hits you in different spots. I realized this the first time I went in a jacuzzi and the jet stream turned me on. Been devoted to long, leisurely orgasm baths ever since.

Either spit on your finger or buy some water based sex lube and apply a little before sending your fingers south of the border. I like to lie back against a big fluffy cushion and lube my nipples up with my left hand so they get nice and hard while I use the right to fiddle with my clit.

I fingered myself every night for three months straight when I was 14 until I finally got myself off and I was soooooo overwhelmingly satisfied when it finally happened. I learned that I personally need a combination of clitoral stimulation and internal finger fucking. Clit stim does it for me. I swear it can be better to dry hump a pillow than an actual guy sometimes. I like to get creative and weird because the story gets me hot. The better the fantasy, the better the orgasm form my experience.

Oh, and if you ever need inspo, watching porn def helps. I do a lot of concentric circles around my clit and I pivot my hips back and forth a lot too. I like to lie down and run my hands up and down my body and massage my breasts and feel myself up. Sometimes I stick the little egg inside my vag and rub my clit and it works like a charm. As far as sex acts go, masturbating seems relatively innocent. But it can also be the root of some funny mishaps and other hilarious scenarios.

After all, people will sometimes go to great lengths to get themselves off, whether that means humping a box of pancake mix or jerking off to a photo of a girl with no arms.

These male masturbation stories will make you laugh out loud. But it was the diary of a girl, my age at the time , who was in the process of discovering herself, both sexually and romantically. She also includes some very detailed descriptions of her body. For a horny middle-schooler, it was a reasonable thing to fap to. Thought Taylor Hanson was a girl. Not proud of myself once I found out. God, I hated myself so much. I literally went to Wikipedia to figure out how guys masturbated.

It was months before I even tried it again. Not my proudest moment as a Muslim. Due to watch bill rotations, you stand this watch at all different times of day. It was winter and I had just discovered fapping and needless to say I instantly became a great fap fan.

So I was walking down a street at night bordered by houses and I got this idea of fapping while walking. It was winter so I was wearing a jacket. I snuck my right hand in leaving the jacket sleeve empty. At first I was really conscious, making sure nobody noticed. But as I began to advance to the crescendo my hand movement became more and more less subtle and almost stopped walking by the time I finished.

She shook her head and went back in. I quietly walked away. Being one of the only sizeable people in the room, they asked if I would play the attacker role. I got to roleplay choking 20 cute nurses and jerked one out to it later that shift.

We were sharing a tent. When I was a tween I was addicted to whacking it. Now I look back on that and I find it to be really humorous but for years it hung on my shoulders as my most cringe worthy experience. So back in the 70s there was no easy access to porn. My dad had a safe in his bedroom. I shoulder surfed him one day and proudly rattled off what the combo was. He freaked out like I never saw him freak before. Held me down and made me swear I had never been in that safe before.

Well, of course the year-old me was curious and it drove me nuts wondering what was in there. So months and months of torturing myself I finally got up the nerve and I opened the safe and looked. Tucked in behind all of his coin collections was a small photo album filled with Polaroid photos of my Mom in the 50s, right after they got married, before she had me — naked.

My God was she fucking hot. And me having never seen a naked chick before, my dick went into full on nuclear meltdown mode. So I jacked it to her — again, and again, and again. And I knew it was wrong. And whenever I saw my mother I felt this horrible guilt, let alone the horror of being aroused by your own mother. But to this day I still feel a horrible guilt and feel fucked up about it.

Finally time to get tested to see if I was shooting blanks or not. I called around to several labs, none answered. I knew they were open, and there was one that is close to home, so I just drove up there. Lady says they can do the test, and says do you have your sample for the test.

So I said, no I will come back with it. Now I have two choices, beat off in their small bathroom in the waiting room with her literally on the other side of the door, or go back home. I decide to go back home. The kids were being especially bad that day. Could barely get it done but somehow I did. Argument ensued, smoothed things over, then went to bathroom to knock one out. Teenage me was ashamed, year-old me gets it. Thought farting would be a turn-on.

I was about 13 and came in my pants. Another top contender would be me jerking off to a nude plastic doll one of those cheap Barbie knockoffs by shoving it down my pants and moving it up and down along my pubescent dick. I gave her a list of my insecurities and everything. This was before smartphones so I had to go old school and imagine stuff in my head.

I finished, then googled to see if it was real and the shame sank in that I willingly kept going even. Around me, a group of people were laughing and pointing at me. It took me quite a few seconds to realize, I was still stroking my flaccid dick like a madman. That was the last time I took ecstasy. It was mainly just videos of my brother and I being idiots when we were young kids. Well, one of the tapes was cut short by another recording.

It turned out my parents decided to make a sex tape. Instead of turning it off and forgetting it ever happened, I de-clothed and had a great wank. I then put the videos back in the TV cabinet and never thought about it again. That was until I came home from University a few years later and my parents were telling the story of my brother stumbling along their video and how awkward it was.

I just played along and acted like that was the most awkward part of the story. I have beat it on plane, train, and automobile. I have beat it in a church and a theater, I have beat it in a car in the parking lot at work on break.

I accidentally got some nut on my black sweater, and jokingly told my coworkers it was cum and they just laughed. It was 2 AM and I was horny as can be and the night was warm. So I upped and went into the backyard and lo and behold I found a semi-rotten cantaloupe. Pushed some fingers into the melon then roused it with my Richard. So, I scraped my hand onto the inside edge of her fish tank.

The fish ate it up and she walked back in. I was just so damn bored that I did it almost unconsciously. But yeah, they all knew. I was there for a week. I was the only person in the room, and I had my own shower. My girlfriend visited me every time, and I asked her to flash her boobs to me. That night I went to the shower and I fapped. I was so ashamed after I came.

I was standing under the shower thinking: It was absolutely horrible. I mean it was just sad. I was the one in jail in the shower. Not because she was hot but because she like kept beating my dick. So I would actually beat it. Hold the base in one hand and then basically slap it back and forth with the other. Just fucking hit my dick over and over. Did that a few times and then one day it was sore so I was rubbing it.

Hot damn that felt way better. So those first three or four are my least proud. It was just weirdly uncomfortable, like she was scrutinizing my every movement. Whereas this time, I was concentrating on not doing anything too weird, and also not having any porn on was foreign to me. And to top it all off, she got pissed at me when I shot my load on her carpet.

I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Also pulled a muscle in my neck, so I was forced to cry out in pain every time I sneezed this also prevented my neck from healing for the next two weeks. I like old, leathery blondes, but this…this was too much.

Always had very strict parental controls on our internet, and all the art and music and basically any form of media in the house was Christian in nature Christian books, Christian music, Christian art, etc.

Innocent Christian boy jerks off to the Bible. So yea not my proudest moment. She has really nice boobs. Just discovered how to milk my penis. Was violently vomiting and mother was sleeping in the same room to keep her eye on me. However this would not stop me from my mission. I scanned the room for a quick moment.

Her eyes were closed. My absolute solitude was confirmed. The pumping begins, but shortly I have a better idea. Scooby Doo was in the clutches of my sleeping mother. This would not stop me. I spent about 3 minutes standing over my sleeping parent with a raging boner to get my fuck doll.

I spend the next 45 seconds showing Scooby who was the boss still next to my mom by the way and I finish. Then the doorbell rings. So I offer her some tea no wine I show her the spare bedroom, how to use the weird shower we have in our house etc.

Family friend, if you ever read this…. I guess mostly proud that I could improvise a DIY fuck-doll on the spot. Intrigued, I did some research and actually ended up finding the patent for the device. After reading through the patent, I was ready to try to make a similar device myself. I got the circuit working and added an additional amplifier stage to get a pretty stout output from the device and also purchased an anal electrode from the internet to use it with.

After testing it out, it actually worked to some extent. I figured out how to have the picture displayed on my Oculus Rift so that her fake naked figure would take up my entire field of vision. I purchased a Fleshlight online and created a mechanism using a power drill and crankshaft scheme so that the device would automatically jerk me off.

I modified the trigger circuit using a potentiometer for precise speed control. I also purchased a muscle stimulator and tested it out for use on my nipples. Finally the day had come for me to put the system together — All at one time, I had the electrical anal stimulator, power drill Fleshlight, Oculus fake nude device, electrical nipple stimulator, binaural beats playing in my ears, and I also wore a butt plug around all day and taped it to my face so that when I breathed through my nose I got the heavy sweaty smell of my own asshole.

While this all was happening I was also high off of 2 joints and 2 hits of acid. One day looking for more soap, I strike gold. A pretty realistic pair of tits made of silicone, with nipples and all. I do not know. So I fuck them. I remember them as being in one piece, I guess I folded them around my dick. These could be anything from vampires to tentacle monsters etc. On the bright side two of my ex-girlfriends enjoyed the games. One of them absolutely loved them and we stayed friends with benefits for a long time.

I told my girlfriend and she mocks me mercilessly for it. When it was time for bed my stepmum decided to collapse on top of me on my bed. The flight attendant was hot as fuck, and I rubbed one out on my seat under the cover of a blanket. Not proud of that one. I wanted to see if I could buy a souvenir shot glass at their gift shop closed to the public of course but we end up driving past a big Electrolux factory with the name on the side of the building and I stopped to take a photo which baffled the 4 co-workers on this road trip.

I got an insta-boner thinking about it being in her mouth and went to the nearest restroom and tugged one out. My friends were all straight-edge; no drugs, no cigs, no alcohol.

It makes flail and flop like a fish. After 20 hours on the road, we stop at a small gas station. I sneak into the bathroom with my pipe and smoke hit after fatty hit until my dome is tingling.

I go out of the bathroom and go to the counter and buy a copy of Hustler and Penthouse. Oh shit, my buddies are in the car outside waiting for me! I told them I just had to piss real quick actually had to smoke a couple fat bowls of meth in the restroom. So what do I do? So I go in the bathroom and get to it. You know the Beaver Hunt section? And I finally cum. I flop around and flail off the toilet, smacking my elbow on the toilet paper dispenser on the way down, as I shoot what feels like gallons of semen all over the restroom.

It seriously kept coming. Meth does that to you. Makes you pump like the god damn Deepwater Horizon underwater footage. So I clean up my mess, and open the door to find a line of 3 guys waiting for the rest room. It smells like meth and semen. I go out to the car and my friends all look at me. They know what I did. Well, they know I jerked off. I still have those porno mags too. Even in this age of internet porn, I still have the porno mags I jerked off to when I was Or the dirty whores who got me off in that gas station bathroom.

I love them and I will keep them hidden in my house until my wife finds them and throws them away. I threw it out that day.

I guess the least proud would be around age I was in a private boarding school and slept in a dorm for 6 with three bunk beds. I had the bottom bunk and convinced my bunk mate to fake being homesick so the female staff member on duty would console him.

He put on a great show with tears and all, while her tight s jeans put her gap inches from my face. The other four roommates looked on in astonishment while I wanked and came in less than three minutes. I was a front desk agent, and a family checked in, their oldest daughter being an absolute goddess, chiseled by the gods. There was an empty room overlooking the hot tub and I was on a 30 minute break. So I notice she went into the hot tub outside, so I book it up to the empty room, proceed to close the shuttered blinds, and peer through the bottom of one and jerk off to her sitting in the hot tub.

One year and a half years later, we are dating for a year, I moved from Canada to Texas, and she still brings it up to this day. Because I told her. Well the hole to put your hand in was at the bottom and me being a young horny idiot thought why not bang the monkey… So I did. Not proud of this one. Had the urge so I took a big breath and dove down. Wedged myself underneath a rock to do the deed while I thought about all of the bikinis topside.

On second thought this is both my most and my least proud fap. I found the video and it was so hot. Guilty as hell fap: I remembered a while back I accidentally saw her big bouncy juicy bewbs by accident.

Went into the deep recesses of my mind and forced a temporary photographic memory retrieval. It was fueled by anger. I fapped hard and splooged super hard. Felt bad later when I forgave her lol. I kinda pretended I was her victim.

No idea if anyone found out or they did and never said anything about it. Now I have a Fleshlight. If I had a son, I'd teach him all about sex Carrie: If you had a son, we'd call Social Services!

Four Women and a Funeral [ edit ] Charlotte: Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient. I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?

I never really thought about it. Everybody wonders what happens after you die. I'm too busy wondering who's dinging my car in the garage.

The Cheating Curve [ edit ] Samantha: Nobody told me it was BYO man! Well, what did you expect? It's a lesbian art show. But don't straight guys usually follow them around to see what they're going to do? Well, I think maybe there's a cheating curve. That someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.

I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating. I mean that little voice inside of me that says: You can't listen to every fucking little voice that runs through your head. It'll drive you nuts. The Chicken Dance [ edit ] Charlotte: I just don't understand. How could you forget someone you slept with? Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.

Are you sure you can leave the Guest Book unattended? It's a bullshit job, Carrie. People know what to do with the guestbook. You and I are having dinner tonight! Well, he got this veal You blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?? Old Dogs, New Dicks [ edit ] Carrie: You've never seen an uncircumcised one?

Wow, you're practically a virgin! The Caste System [ edit ] Carrie: Now I've laid down a gauntlet. He either has to say "I love you" back or I guess I'm going to have to break up with him. Well, how long are you going to give him? Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment, but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product. It's going to start to curdle in about a week. What's wrong with corduroy? I don't have enough time to tell you what's wrong with corduroy.

Evolution [ edit ] Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again. What happens to it? Nothing; I just never go back. Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy? That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates. And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again. I am so confused. Is he gay or is he straight? Well, it's not that simple anymore. The real question is, is he a straight gay man or is he a gay straight man?

The gay straight man was a new strain of heterosexual male spawned in Manhattan as the result of overexposure to fashion, exotic cuisine, musical theater and antique furniture. How does he wait on tables dressed like that? Well, the summer I worked at Howard Johnson's I had to wear an orange hat. I wonder what your fetish is. After we made love I knew it was over. Did I ever really love Big or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?

I wanted to go to him, but I felt like I was tied to the chair. Some part of me was holding me back, knew I'd reached my limit. And just like that, I untied myself from Mr. Big, I was free, but there was nothing exquisite about it. Games People Play [ edit ] Samantha: The only place you can control a man is in bed. If we perpetually gave men blow jobs we could run the world! And at least our hands would be free to greet dignitaries and stuff. My therapist says that's a very common fear.

The Fuck Buddy [ edit ] Samantha: Carrie, you can't date your fuck buddy. Say it a little louder, I don't think the old lady in the last row heard you. You're going to take the only person in your life that's there purely for sex, no strings attached, and turn him into a human being? How do you conceive pulling this one off? Early dinner with bachelor number one, late supper with bachelor number two.

My god, you're turning into a man! Apparently Charlotte had done more than just break a pattern. She had actually changed genders.

I just don't know how I'm going to eat two dinners in a row. And just like that, she was a woman again. Shortcomings [ edit ] Duncan: I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married. I like stability, I like routine. I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home.

I guess that makes me sound pretty dull. You're the heterosexual Holy Grail. I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool. He was pretty much a nerd, but I'd go over there and get all cocoa-buttered up. His mom loved me. She was always serving me Kool-Aid and chips. And honey, you should have seen my tan. Because it should be, it's the hottest spot in town! Was It Good for You? I'm trying to change my bed karma.

I figure if I can make my bed a place I really want to be, others will feel the same. Aah, the Field of Dreams. If you build it, he will come. I knew he wanted me because during my lean-in-and-kiss-me-good-night move, I accidentally on purpose felt his pop-up-and-say-hello. Thirty-Something Women [ edit ] Charlotte: It's a really cute three bedroom cottage and they're giving us a fantastic deal for the month of August. Yeah, of course it's a good deal. It's haunted with cheating boyfriends and sexual rejection.

We could always burn sage. And then I realized something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the man who broke your heart. Ex and the City [ edit ] Carrie: There is no way that the love that I had with Big is the same thing that he has with Natasha. When did you stop calling her "the idiot stick figure with no soul"? Then I had a thought: Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.

Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with. Season 3 [ edit ] Where There's Smoke [ edit ] Miranda: What is it about fireman, even when they aren't that cute, they're cute It's that whole hero complex Carrie: And then there's the weight restriction Charlotte: It's because women just really want to be rescued.

I'm pretty, and smart! Politically Erect [ edit ] Carrie: I figured we made a good match. I was adept at fashion; he was adept at politics. And really, what's the difference? They're both about recycling shop-worn ideas and making them seem fresh and inspiring. I can only stay a few minutes. I got tickets to the Vagina Monologues. Just because I don't eat at the restaurant doesn't mean I can't hear the specials. There are very few things this New Yorker loves as much as Sunday brunch.

You can sleep until noon and still get eggs anywhere in the city, alcohol is often included with the meal, and Sunday is the one day a week you get the single woman's sports pages: I've talked to her twice. Once I was in a cowboy hat and once I was in my bra. Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl [ edit ] Samantha: I once dated a guy who liked to wear my underwear but I've never gone the other way. See, when you're gay, everyone can wear everyone's underwear.

Carrie [about her date]: He's not that young. His generation has a totally different letter than ours. Samantha is rude and politically incorrect. She's an equal opportunity offender. She can't diss me because I'm white! Please tell me you didn't say diss Maybe you should stop seeing him, Samantha. Race is a very big issue. No, there is no reason to bring race into this. Chivon is a sweet man. We have great sex--and he happens to have the biggest -- Charlotte: He has a big black cock!

I was about to say "biggest heart" He does have a big black cock. Do you think I'm a whore? Oh please, if you're a whore, what does that make me? It's like a Danielle Steele novel in here! From a writer, I'm pretty sure that's an insult. Drama Queens [ edit ] Miranda: Steve is completely predictable but that's one of the things I love about him.

He's just so comfortable and safe. Are you dating a man or a minivan? Your relationship is my greatest fear. Allow me to get right to the point, guys. After careful consideration, I have decided that I am getting married this year. The Big Time [ edit ] Charlotte: Do you have another? Ladies, I am not Tampax central.

Well, I have them at home but they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse. Wow — Kate must have a tiny vagina. I do want [a baby] eventually and my clock is running out I mean, I've only got like a million viable eggs left. Three hundred of which we just killed with those martinis at lunch. Easy Come, Easy Go [ edit ] Samantha: Well, let's just say it: Was there a contest? There's always a contest with an ex. It's called "who will die miserable. I proposed to myself! I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.

What exactly did he say? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, it's that you proposed to a guy that says "alrighty. All or Nothing [ edit ] Samantha: Don't beat yourself up. Aidan hasn't said "I love you" yet. Until he does, you're a free agent. What is that, The Rules according to Samantha? I'm more old fashioned than you think. Miranda [reviewing Charlotte's prenuptial agreement]: Listen, this is just their opening offer. It's totally standard to go back in and negotiate.

I can't even buy stuff on sale! Running With Scissors [ edit ] Miranda [looking at a bridal magazine]: There's no time for purses! What's your theme again? What if I have it? You don't have it. Sometimes it takes me a really long time to get over a cold. That's not AIDS, it's central air conditioning.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell [ edit ] Miranda [talking about a man wearing a kilt]: I wonder what they wear underneath those? Charlotte [After the wedding] I finally get to sleep with Trey. You haven't slept with him yet? Honey, before you buy the car you take it for a test drive!

It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what. I was lucky enough to find three of them. Escape From New York [ edit ] Charlotte: So how are you? I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me. Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves? I've got something to make you feel better. Dildos before 10 am! I'm all perked up! Sex and Another City [ edit ] Miranda: Maybe it's time that I stop being so angry.

Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time? Does she look like a year-old frat boy? Hot Child in the City [ edit ] Samantha: Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you. I'm a year-old woman with braces and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it. One client rather whimsically dubbed his anus "the chocolate starfish. Are you quite sure you went to Yale? Frenemies [ edit ] Miranda: They're starting to die on us.

Well, at least you weren't stood up. We should just give up now. Well, on the bright side this could explain why they don't call back. This is why I don't work out. We've been trying, you know, to And it's just not Getting big and hard? What is this, dirty Mad Libs? I came here today because I needed to say how sorry I am. I am deeply sorry for what I did to you. It was wrong and I'm sorry. Thank you for listening.

Yes, I'm sorry about it all. I' m sorry he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. I'm sorry that we ever got married. I'm sorry he cheated on me with you and I'm sorry that I pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs and broke my tooth.

I'm very sorry that after much painful dental surgery this tooth is still a different colour than this tooth. Finally I'm sorry that you felt the need to come down here. Now, not only have you ruined my marriage, you 've ruined my lunch.

The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor. Cock-A-Doodle-Do [ edit ] Samantha: Girl, I'm trying to get rid of one! Or more to the point, how women feel men disappoint them in relationships. Then a radical, almost earth-shattering thought popped into my head. What if everything isn't the man's fault? After a certain age, and a certain number of relationships; if it still isn't working and the ex's seem to be moving on and we don't, perhaps the problem isn't the last boyfriend, or the one before him, or even the one before him!

Could it be, that the problem isn't them , but horror of horrors - is it us? Season 4 — [ edit ] The Agony and the 'Ex'-tacy [ edit ] Woman at party: Oh, what a beautiful wedding ring! Oh, um, he's not here. We're actually taking some time apart. We're separated—not legally separated, nothing legal, oh, God, no! We're just taking some time to figure things out.

We got married really fast—love at first sight, didn't think it through. So, now we're talking and trying to figure out what he—actually, we, he and I—really want. We love each other so much, but that doesn't always mean a marriage is working, does it? No, it does not. We had some problems, in the bedroom.

But it was more about the fact that we got married so fast. So, now we're just talking and trying to figure things out—just talking, nothing physical. I think it's better if we just talk. So, we are talking until we figure it all out. So, no, he's not here. Samantha, your face is glowing.

Did you get a facial or something? I masturbated all afternoon. Well, two, two and a half hours. Who's got that kind of time?

I like to get in and get out. Well, I enjoy a quickie every now and then too, but when it's good like today, I go with it. I masturbated to my priest. Okay, I think we might have to get Charlotte a crash helmet. You have a priest?! No, no, no, no. She wants him, but she can't have him. It's all very Thorn Birds. In my fantasy he tears the food I'm carrying for the homeless out of my arms, rips open my dress, lays me down in the street and enters me. What do you do for the next two hours and 20 minutes?

You're talking about a priest! I can masturbate to whomever I like. It's fun and perfectly healthy. The Real Me [ edit ] Charlotte: I think it's ugly. Well, maybe that's why it's depressed! Defining Moments [ edit ] Samantha: Oh, who cares what you are! No, I need to know where we're going. Yes, we'd like to know where you're going as well, since evidently you'll be having sex there. I just left "silent Y" in the bathroom. What's Sex Got to do With It? I'm tired of being married to your penis.

And this is supposed to be a relationship! Ooooooo, don't talk about moving in, in front of the penis cause it might go soft. Ghost Town [ edit ] Charlotte: Your mother decorated this entire apartment, didn't she. Mother does all our houses. I should have known. The plaid, and the mallards You don't like them? It's like we live in the Museum of Natural Ugliness!

You call this a relationship? Well, it's tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I've heard, YES! Baby, Talk is Cheap [ edit ] Charlotte: I promise I won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about diaper genies. How did this happen? How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu? I bet there's one loud-mouthed guy who found some woman who loved it and told everyone 'women LOVE this!

Who is this guy? Who's the woman who loved it? Don't knock it 'till you've tried it! Time and Punishment [ edit ] Samantha: We have to run to Helga the Hot Waxer every other week, but them? How would they like it if we told them to shape their hedge, trim their trunk? I'm sorry, we are talking about gardening, aren't we?

I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies: My Motherboard, My Self [ edit ] Samantha: I've lost my orgasm. What do you mean, 'lost'? I just spent the last two hours fucking with no finale. Sometimes you just can't get there. I can always get there. Every time you have sex? Please say you're exaggerating.

Well, I'll admit I have had to polish myself off once or twice, but yes! Those flowers were supposed to say "We're so sorry, we love you," not "You're dead, let's disco"! Sex and the Country [ edit ] Trey: If we miss the orchid show she'll be devastated. Then I guess we'll just have to have sex at your mother's. People having sex in Connecticut? There's a first time for everything. The only way to get anything to eat in the country is to make it yourself I'm in no mood for Bisquick!

Belles of the Balls [ edit ] Miranda: Men — wait, let me rephrase that — some men That will look much better on the court transcripts of this dinner.

That's what they said about the Ford Pinto. Think about it Steve, you want a Pinto near your penis? Is it not doing well in school? Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda [ edit ] Carrie: No, I just thought it would be a fun thing to say. How long before I feel back to normal? You're going to have to ask them that.

Volume 2 Samantha A. Cole, Avery Gale, Laylah Robers, Carey Decevito, The heat in my cheeks made me feel like some beacon in the fog, and I If I'm horny and drunk enough to find a guy attractive I bring him back here to pour, he said, “Playing with my band, hanging out with cool chicks like you, and writing music. Elisa Pupko Carrie / 4 episodes, Paul Downs Josh / 4 episodes, .. Brendan Hunt Museum Hot Girl / 2 episodes, Mano Agapion Guy / 2 episodes, Horny Guy 1 episode, Read these male and female masturbation stories from real guys and girls who got . But it was the diary of a girl, my age (at the time), who was in the process of . but for years it hung on my shoulders as my most cringe worthy experience. . It was 2 AM and I was horny as can be and the night was warm.