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It took me a long time junior high into college, basically to figure out the false facade didn't work. It involved too much work to keep my own stories straight and it never gave me the confidence I thought it would. If I was really as cool and tough as I pretended to be, I wouldn't have been bullied or fret about being lonely. It never gave me the emotional ore I needed because deep down I knew it was fake.

Who I really am may be many nice things, but they're not romantically appealing to those I want to appeal to. I'm just a face in a crowd, as exciting as oatmeal. I know love making ideally should be more than playing student and taking notes with a spiral notebook "Will that be on the test, ma'am? In theory I would be all about trying my best to satisfy a lover and get satisfaction from that.

I mean I don't get why trying to please a woman that way can't be fun and gratifying to men. I mean, sure, PIV may be the "main course" for a man but surely everything else just works up to that or past that to make the experience better, right?

I mean I waited my whole damn life for it, I'd at least want to make it as fantastic as possible. I don't see things like cuddling or "foreplay" as chores, they're part of it. But, to get to all this I have to get past one hurdle and flaw within myself after the next, which I could never do when I had youth and circumstances on my side. I just logically can't fathom doing it now. Especially now when I am expected to be trying to end my romantic journey, rather than try to make up for lost time.

I sort of see it as moving through the 5 stages of grieving the loss of my love life. I've been trying to get to acceptance and be free from it. I've let go of plenty of other unrealistic desires from my youth and I can't figure why this can't be one of them. There's more to life. But, like DNL suggested, for those younger than a certain age there's still a chance to move past this, and they should do what they can to do so.

You seem to have the sense that you've struggled because of multiple deep, fundamental flaws, but really, it sounds like it could just be about tweaking your presentation and attitude some, in a way that may be more possible now when you've otherwise got more self-confidence than you have in the past or that's how it sounds to me, at least. Like, it might not be easy to figure out, but it sounds like it might not be a problem that runs deep, either, so it's more one or two really tricky things to pin down rather than that the entirety of "you" is the problem.

But if acceptance of the loss is what you think is best for you, then I won't push further. There is, as you say, more to life. I've done tweaks here and there but while I'm totally fine for small talk or making someone laugh unless they are totally humorless it never transitions to the next level. I just don't bring about that desire in others, not on that level.

I don't think it's something like a different shirt or combing my hair another way. I just don't ignite that passion in women at all. I mean, a dork in a leather jacket is still a dork. That and I am uncomfortable revealing feelings, and unable to express them in any way that doesn't sound apologetic or pathetic.

I'm not sure I am very confident, just verbose and weathered. I've been through a bit more than in college. Honestly, my esteem issues are deeply rooted and hardly an easy problem to fix. I've been trying for a good long while and it's not been easy. I just realize I am aging out of the dating pool, and trying to face it honestly without bringing anyone I like down. I didn't mean quite such small tweaks as a different shirt, I was thinking more along the lines of finding some style of flirting that fits you better, or practicing expressing feelings and bridging the gap between smalltalk and more meaningful things more effectively I'm pretty terrible at that too, so I sympathize.

There are ways to be attractive that aren't the slick and charming or bad boy in a leather jacket styles that are presented as attractive in media. It is a tricky wicket, at best. It's hard enough for me to go in with an icebreaker, it's even harder to try to make that pivot, especially when it has never worked for you before. I just don't see how that transition can be seamless.

I'm even awkward about it while on an actual date. But I think it goes beyond that, at least for me. Instead of generating charisma, I generate a null field.

I sometimes call it "the anti-hormone". Useful if the city is ever attacked by a lady dragon, useless any other time. I think it's usually less weird to just make the date invite without saying they're beautiful or whatever, just because that makes it feel sort of more high pressure? But also, awkward isn't inherently attraction-killing, it's possible to bring out that attraction-generation vibe in all kinds of different ways which is not to say it's easy: For example, what worked for me "worked" isn't really the right word, because I wasn't actually trying to attract anyone with it, I was just goofing around with people, but it had an attraction-building effect , was just being over-the-top jokingly sleazy, making ridiculous "is that an X in your pocket" innuendo and flirting with inanimate objects.

I would never in a million years have done that if I had thought anyone I was doing it with could be into me, or if I thought anyone would take it seriously — and they didn't, but somehow the joke sleaze also brought out some kind of genuine "see me in a potentially romantic light" vibe, and a bunch of people got crushes on me. That's a bit of a weird example, but just, there are ways to generate something attractive that don't depend on being smooth.

For the record I have never actually used that "line" to anyone. It was just hypothetical. It's interesting that it could come off as "high pressure" with the compliment in there to the woman.

I honestly don't see asking a woman out as being pressuring to her in any way. I've interacted with many women who pulled few punches in expressing their dislike of me or in just giving be a bad look which I have dubbed, "The Look of Ick".

I usually just envision her replying with a, "With you? So long as I'm not being crass I didn't interpret it as being "high pressure" for a woman to reject me. Not saying it's not possible, though. I just never considered my feelings as being terribly important to a woman especially one I may not know well.

Not saying it's not possible or I don't believe you. I just didn't think of it that way. Your example isn't that weird; as someone who jokes around a lot in IRL it's how I've learned to talk to people non-professionally I can relate. I actually do have a dirty sense of humor at times, but I also know it really depends on the audience.

I am especially shy about it with women. Unfortunately, the closest I get to "flirting" is just being MORE jokey with her, which is hard to distinguish from my normal banter. I'd rather keep feelings to myself than risk being offensive. Since I don't offer much of anything romantically I know I have to be as perfect as possible. I don't get a do-over or a second chance.

I'm not cute or charismatic enough to get any benefit of the doubt, and that's fine. Nobody owes me that. People are willing to give that to people they like, but to people they don't, they usually could care less at least in my experience in NY; in other states people are friendlier, I hear. Unfortunately, simply being "funny" has never caused anyone to crush on me, so far. But, I can how pushing the envelope a little into playful flirting can work if you have some looks or charm about it.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean pressure in the sense of you pressuring her, more that it sounds like it's a big deal which, yeah, it might be, but in terms of the interaction, a first date invitation tends to go over better if it's more"let's see where this goes" than "I think you're amazing and beautiful and I love you" in spirit. I'd encourage you to try to get over that idea that you've got to be perfect or that you don't offer anything. There isn't something special that people who get lots of women throwing themselves at them have to offer that the rest of us don't.

You seem like a thoughtful, kind, respectful person who would have plenty to offer in a relationship. And you're not going to be perfect. No one's perfect, and 'perfect' isn't the key to getting some attraction going. Honestly, from what you say, I'd guess the opposite of perfect is what you need. It sounds like you probably have enough social calibration to try pushing the envelope a little bit into playful flirting with people you're getting on well with, without it turning into a giant fuckup or hurting anyone, even if they're not interested.

You're careful, and that's good. But it's okay to be a little less careful, too. I see your point about the "pressure". To me it's always a big deal so that may be why it was in my example. Maybe I thought the compliment would make it go down easier to appear less hostile.

I always envision women being hostile or irritated at my advances. DNL would call it "the jerk-brain" and the problem with being so inexperienced at my age is I have no logical counterargument.

I have only my own inexperience or memories of failure to work with. I have no reason to expect a different result because no variable has changed, and I'm not usually insane enough. I know the probable response would either be being ignored or getting a soft let down and that in itself isn't so bad. It just would be more fuel to my "failure file" and I've not been in a rush to add to it for a long time.

I can't subscribe to an "abundance mentality" because I know for me it's been anything but. I would disagree with you in the sense that "people who have women throwing themselves at them" don't have something extra than most of the rest of us.

The rest of us have to learn some of the traits from scratch or compensate, and ideally we do that during our youth. I'm with DNL that freaking out about inexperience as a teen is overreacting. But over 30, at the very least it's more challenging, and unforgiving.

Perhaps I do have things which would work well in a relationship as you do. The problem has always been getting to that point, providing that initial hook of attraction. You can't debate, "nice", or "joke" your way into it. The fact that it's never happened for me so far either means I am astonishingly unlucky or I am missing something drastic.

You're right of course, I should be more fearless. It's just been difficult to convince myself that this time around will be any different, now that I am older and my pool of opportunity has dwindled. It nearly destroyed me in my 20's and I frankly don't think I have it in me to bother again. But thanks for all the advice, though, believe it or not I have taken it into mind.

But that's sort of, as you put it, a hook. It doesn't necessarily mean they bring more to someone else's life when they're dating them, it just means that they have a way of showing some of what they bring easily. And the fact that you're not getting that kind of reactions doesn't mean that you have less to offer in a relationship. And not being someone that gets that kind of attention doesn't mean that you're terrible-looking or no one could find you attractive.

So yeah, it's a question of fearlessness and trying things, and recognizing what you do have in you so that you can find a way to bring out what you've got for others to see in an "attraction" kind of light. Necessary, maybe, but not exactly drastic. Which isn't to say that you have to do all that. It sounds like this stuff has all been really brutal on your confidence and your well-being, and if that's not something you want to keep putting yourself through, that's both understandable and reasonable.

But regardless, it seems like maybe a bit more confidence in your own value a bit might be a good thing for you even if you don't want to put it towards dating, because the way you're looking at yourself just doesn't seem quite right. It seems like we've stumbled upon the old dynamic of "flash and substance". Ideally, someone who has both is a catch. But most people are not ideals and tend to have neither, or one or the other at least initially to be optimistic for once.

Someone with flash and no substance may be able to get a lot of attention initially, they just may not be able to keep it long.

Someone with substance but no flash won't be able to get attention beyond circumstance or luck. Someone without either, of course, is hosed.

The trick is whether someone without one or the other can obtain either through learning or is there a limit in terms of natural aptitude. I do wonder if it is easier for, say, someone who is good at attracting people but lousy at keeping or satisfying them has an easier time than someone who may have the potential to keep or satisfy someone, but can't attract anyone. You seem to be suggesting I'd be one of the latter. I've certainly never had a hook.

Leading to your last statement, you're very right about my confidence. There are for certain segments within myself that I have accepted through surprisingly experience and reactions, such as being funny, having a sense of humor, being able to write decently and being of moderate intelligence. But for much of the rest, my confidence levels have been in the dumps since at least junior high. It is my biggest stumbling block, which feeds into inexperience like a snake eating its tail.

Generally it is something I have been working on for a long, long time. You've been working on it for a long, long time and it's like a snake eating its own tale. Which could mean you're going round and round in circles with this and not much is changing. You're stuck in a loop of things feeding into issues and those issues going round and round. I don't know what happened at junior high for you but it might be worth dealing with it with a qualified professional if it is feeding into what's going on today.

First of all, I can say from personal experience though this may also vary with gender — no. That is not the case that that set of people to whom you feel you don't belong has it "easier". Third — and I said this in comments in DNL's most recent column, and I will probably keep saying this as long as I keep seeing the triggering setup for it — it's not necessarily a binary. I'm not going to exhaust myself going into detail when both here in this post and throughout the archives others have gone over more nuanced elements of this, but … it just isn't.

I mean, unless that's what turns one on instead of actually putting forth effort to have actual relationships, in which case … by all means, knock yourself out. You physically can't know if someone is going to stay around if they've never been there in the first place.

This is not to say I think you might be overselling what you feel are your more sterling qualities to yourself. What it appears to me you seem to be forgetting — and more than one commenter has already pointed this out — the thing about relationships is that the way they go is only half up to you, because it's also half up to the other person. Just like your perception of them is relevant to whether or not you want to try to relate to them in the first place, their perception of you is equally relevant.

It seems less navel-gazing self-centered perspective and more "market research" other-centered perspective , if you will, might be in order … that is, as I said in an earlier comment, IF in fact what you SAY you want is in fact what you REALLY want.

Don't worry, I'm not the sort who thinks I have a lot of sterling qualities to "keep" a lover around. I usually assume it's the opposite; that I have nothing, so I may as well not bother for both of our sake. I was just getting philosophical with enail.

I get you and can relate to what you say. People tell me finding that hook is the easy part and many people in relationships have come to me for advice on connecting well with their partners which is weird as I don't exactly have huge amounts of dating experience. But what I do have is a lot of friends. I can connect with people. I just find it hard to get that attraction hook going on and I've been quite vocal here in the past about why I think that doesn't happen for me.

Weirdly though, sometimes for me, that "he's just so…" moment does happen and I have no idea why. One woman I dated recently sent loads of messages to our mutual friends about how hot she thought I was. I have no idea where that came from.

Because I did nothing in my mind to create that response in her, I don't feel I can replicate it reliably. I may just be missing something in my thoughts about this. Thanks, good luck to you, too. It's great that that sort of thing happens with you. I've no idea what that's like.

I actually have a different reason for not saying those things, particularly, "I think you're really beautiful" first. I want someone to date me for other reasons than what I look like. If the guys said, "you seem like a really cool person, do you want to go out sometime", that would be okay. But honestly, I'm tired of looks being the thing that's valued for me and my gender, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Here's the thing about that, though — the times in which things are happening all around you have changed as well during those 20 years.

They don't stay static, which is something a whole lot of people seem to forget — especially in our Age of the Internet, which imo seems to be further accelerating change, even personal carbon-based change there's actually science on how it changes the brain. Which is to say the "approach" and "relating" skills you might've used with some success in year 5 aren't necessarily going to work in year 10, if you haven't thought to update them at all.

Just the sheer volume is … overwhelming. Have you ever looked at all at the average length of your comments compared to that of some other regular commenters here?

I'm just talking about an Internet Observation — which of course can mean less than nothing — but there's something, sometimes, about someone with a tendency, especially WRT a particular topic, who overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains , if you get my point.

I'm just very verbose when I type. To be honest, I didn't really have an "approach" technique 20 years ago either. I actually tried to be chill and observed that most times, someone a friend or associate would hear someone liked him or whatnot and things would develop from there.

So I figured if I hung around enough and interacted enough nature would take its course. And here I am. I have received a lot of good advice and I am reviewing it. Honestly I am trying to sort through what I genuinely want; whether I genuinely want to give it another try or figure out a way to purge myself of any desire to companionship, considering this area of my life DOA and move onto others.

I went through a lot of turmoil in my 20's and I am not keen to revisit it, especially now when more is on my shoulders economically. I know it involves a lot of trial and error and I don't know if I have the stuff to see it through, and if not I'd rather not bother. But like I said, I haven't decided and I don't know.

But thanks for all the advice. Don't people do movie nights with friends anymore? Or surely there's a meetup group full of film lovers who maybe want to catch the Oscar nominated movies before the big night or something? Or want to go to a rep theatre that's screening a classic oldy? Speed dating at a con sounds like a very sensible thing to try — but even at a con, it's still a setup that just doesn't showcase a lot of people well.

You make good impressions on people you're meeting platonically, so your challenge is to encourage similar people to think of you in a more romantic light. Which might take some variation on 'faking it till you make it,' but in a way that's bringing out something real in you that you just don't have confidence in. There's a sleazy way to try to meet people in platonic situations and a non-sleazy, non-agenda-full way. If you're there with the mindset of meeting cool people and expanding your social circle, with the idea that it's part of a potentially long-game approach to dating as well as just a thing you'd like to do, if you meet someone you're into, it's okay to ask them out.

It's just sleazy when you're only there to fish for dates or you go through every woman in the group in short order. Perhaps I'm not understanding you clearly, but that's not a shortcut. Finding someone you "like" who also "likes" you back is what romance is. I did phrase that awkwardly. I believe the reason I did is that I genuinely don't know what that feels like. I honestly don't know what it is like to have romantic feelings for someone and have that person actually have them for me.

That has never happened in my entire life. Affection and attraction has always been a one sided affair, from childhood until now. So that's probably why I typed something as awkward as that. The subconscious can be tricky. That is exactly what romance is. Sometimes I wonder what it is like, but the best I can do is use my imagination, as if I'm wondering what it's like to fly, or be 50 feet tall, or have super strength.

It exists in the abstract, at least for me. It sounds to me like you're coming at this from the wrong perspective. You said, "This is a shortcut," and I responded, "That's not a shortcut, it's the whole thing.

But what you're trying to do isn't easy, it's actually quite difficult, and even those of us who manage to do it successfully often aren't able to enumerate what it was we did that made us successful. I don't think I can solve your problem, but I hope I can encourage you to be kinder to yourself. Don't worry, I didn't expect you to solve my problem.

I know it's not easy. But the average person by my age has managed to do it at least once. Even by those hotly debated statistics DNL put up, most people by my age have done it once or twice. Even if they don't know how and even if a lot of it was luck, it still happened.

And yet for a variety of very good reasons it never happened for me. And now I am at a point where it happening is very unlikely, which is also my fault or the fault of a society made by men I can't measure up to. I've tried to deny it, fake it, and feel sad about it. Now I just have to accept it. Sex can and will always go wrong and awkward at a certain point: It's not weird to think a virgin who listens to what a grill wants can bring more satisfaction to bed than someone with a bed that collapses from the notches but does little more than pump-'n-go.

I've seen peeps handwave the most ridiculous faux-passes if they are sort of familiar with a person, up to and including threatening to go on a shooting rampage.

I've observed a disfigured dude whose personality can be summed up as "Debate Me! You don't want to inconvenience women but how do you know if you're not frustrating them by not making a move, or by giving off an underlying vibe of keeping them at arm's length?

And if you can answer that you do know that this isn't happening, it means you have the acumen to gauge social cues…which means you are able to judge what is and isn't appropriate, and thus have little fear of accidentally offending someone. I too have a disfigurement, although it's a large lipoma on my back rather than something on my face beyond a mole. It's like having a half a handball on the small of your back just under your skin. It's a cosmetic thing so my health insurance won't cover it, and I am also wary of any needless surgery near my spine.

One sneeze or infection and I could be paralyzed. Unfortunately, it's just reason why I'm not a good catch. Your friend sounds a bit aggressive, and badgering people into dates isn't right. Being told that "worse people than you have had sex" in so many words doesn't make me feel much better. I already know that. Plenty of men in prison have had legitimate girlfriends and wives, after all.

Charles Manson was "charismatic". I haven't ever gotten past a first date what few of them I have had so I try not to think more about sex than I should. While I do have a libido, it honestly isn't the "pump n' go" which I fantasize about. It's the caressing, massaging, even cuddling I think it is called. It's weird that someone who is paranoid about touching a woman on the arm in conversation or revealing feelings would fantasize about that, but there you go.

I would have no problem doing my best to satisfy someone in bed. But at this point that is all moot. I am not saying "these bad people have had sex so what's your excuse". I am saying the chance of backlash and disappointment you fear causing is smaller than you think this is partly due to privilege, but it seems almost impossible to become entitled if you take that much consideration for the most minute of personal boundaries, and are convinced the ship has sailed for you , and explaining how your mindset can actually be an asset.

And it's certainly not weird to fantasize about cuddling: I slip into that mindset of being hyper self-aware from time to time, and I try to break it down by asking myself if it is more likely that lack of comfort will make them uncomfortable, or that the social gestures you see lots of people do even to new folks will some people just hate being touched, but you can see that in body language too. Build it up slowly with folks you're already comfortable with, simply asking for a hug as a greeting, to give a suggestion.

At 32 my husband would have described his circumstances in exactly the same terms as you, even down to his mother. We met through a friend, hung out in the friend group for a few months, he made it quietly clear he liked me, and I asked him out. We had sex on our first date, and carried on from there. Our primeval brains can be quite good at carrying us through. Also, I dated a guy when we were in our late 20s.

PiV didn't happen for a couple of months, and after it did, he told me I was his first girlfriend. I found it hard to believe him. It was definitely on the better end overall, and one of the best "first times with a new partner. But that didn't always make a difference with more experienced guys. I think it's sad, and a bit annoying that you come back to basically convince yourself that nothing can be done even hypothetically.

There is a further step: Strike up a conversation with a loosly acquainted woman and very honestly tell her all about your problems provided she's interested to hear it.

That's how you learn to deal with phobias. Don't give me any bull about your mere presence may nudge the "structurally abused toes of womankind" everywhere. That's just a rationalization you use to mask over the fact that you don't DARE to move forward.

Would step 2 give you a relationship? No, not in itself. That largely depends on others, but rising above your anxieties and expose yourself would dismantle your fear and give you your self-esteem; ergo your god damn life back! You'll feel that you don't need to hide your weak sides, which is the characteristic of men who get dates btw. These guys don't have a secret shame, because they don't care if people judge their weak sides they allow to be plainly visible.

That's why they don't shrink together when they talk, avoid eye contact, or appear stiff and unsympathetic. Either be brave and move forward or admit you're just to scared to do anything about it.

I'm ok with that too. At least it's honest. Confessing anonymously on the internet is entry level crap and doesn't accomplish anything. Adding to above Okay, now I'm not being very nice but I have a story for you that's kind of relevant. If you did decide to brave this thing and open up to one or two sympathetic ears, you could come across a woman who says "Hey you're nice and it'd actually be kind of interesting to have sex with a man your age who hasn't had any before.

I'm saying I'd do it". The odds of that happening is probably really small so I'm not saying it's likely, or anything to hold out for, but I have a point. I read a confession from a guy in your situation who did just this and received an offer just like that. That a belief about a problem that's been magnified over years was actually superficial is too scary to face, because that would imply years of time spent on what amounts to a head problem.

After all, the guy who confessed did indeed decline even though he found the girl attractive and kind. Hope he wised up since. You'll be pleased to know that I have done that a long time ago. Among my circle of friends is a woman who I met online in and have met IRL twice she lives in California. It is completely platonic for both of us; neither one of us is interested in the other nor ever was, but we share many interests and many of our foibles.

She knows all of my secrets, including that I am a virgin. And she's not the only one! She knows my secret and I have at times talked candidly about it. Usually she's the one spilling her guts to me rather than vice versa, and I value our friendship greatly. We haven't actually chatted as much as I'd like this year but we interact daily on Facebook. She moves around a lot and has had a rough life to say the least.

I also am capable of befriending women who I have no romantic interest in, as well as not carrying a torch or being insulted or feeling "cheated" to become friends with someone I am or was interested in.

I don't treat "the friendzone" like it's somewhere Jor-El can send me to. It's honestly easier for me to confess my flaws to a woman than a man anyway without Internet anonymity. I'm more willing to talk about my secrets to my friends who are ladies than my guy friends who I have known longer two since junior high. The challenge has always been that next level.

Women are just not interested in me romantically, they do not see me as a romantic or sexual being, and I cringe at confessing or revealing those feelings to them if I have them due in large part to inexperience and having no emotional ore to use to bolster my resolve or convince myself there's a chance it is mutual. Direct exposure doesn't work with every phobia for every person. I have a fear of large dogs, yet I doubt being thrown into enough dog fighting arenas would solve it.

I have no problem talking to women so long as no feelings are involved. It's when they are that it's awkward and one sided, and I am unwilling to expose her to my messes. And for the record since you insisted , if I did spill my guts to a woman I was friendly with and she professed a desire to sleep with me as you suggested in your hypothetical set up, I'd jump at the chance.

We're already friends, and if she's that casual about it, the pressure is low. I suppose it would be a bit awkward if it was a platonic friend, but that wouldn't mean I'd treat her like trash or not want it to be as amazing as possible for both of us.

If there was any hesitation it would be in leading on someone who I wasn't romantically interested in; but hesitation and refusal are not the same. After all, your set up implies that it would be fairly casual which takes the edge off. Hell, I'm down for casual sex with someone who constantly insulted and belittled me if I was into her enough. It's the one benefit of being at zero; even a first date that lasts an hour becomes memorable. I see this kind of thing a whole lot here on this board, and it seems to tie into some somewhat warped perspectives on "what women are there for", so I'm just going to come right out and ask —.

I'm also going to add that, personally? Listening to some dude dump his phobias all over me at length is NOT for "loose acquaintances". Baby ain't got no time for that, especially at the pace of the big city — DM and I apparently live in the same one, and at least he's shown some sensitivity to that recently.

I get a little tired of posting this link. I'm not adverse to doing it till people men; let's just call it start to get WHY that keeps happning.

There's a woman at my work who keeps trying to collar me for lunches and coffees and drinks. Whenever I've met up with her, all she ever does is whine about everything that's gone wrong in her life and the latest round of people she's fallen out with. I'm sorry things aren't going well for her, but I'm not her therapist and I get absolutely nothing out of these interactions.

I've given her every form of soft no I can, but if she still doesn't get it, the next one is going to have to be a hard no.

However, I also wonder if you read the essay that OtherRooToo linked, because it's about more than just people talking to you. You also don't indicate who this woman is to you; coworker?

Random person on street that just grabs you for meals to talk about her problems. Women are put in the "mothering" role, and should they not accept that role they're bitches. Also, are you trying to say that she wants you to pay for these lunches and drinks?

Or she just keeps seeking you out to talk with you? If she's doing all the talking do you talk up or just let her do her thing? The unpaid emotional labor essay is about something that is visible on a massive sociological scale and runs from everything from random internet men expecting random internet women to spend hours "fixing" them to people in a person's real life doing so.

There are emotionally needy people of both sex, that's true enough, and I don't think anything in the Emotional Labour essay denies that, but I think it's talking about different scales than what you're talking about. I mean, all you really have to do is look around the comments here and see how many times a woman bringing up a problem is derailed or has her problem turned into a problem faced by men to see what the essay is talking about.

And in almost every case the derailed woman will drop her point to help the male out. She's a co-worker in a distant part of the building. The first couple of times I said yes because they sounded like dates and she seemed worth at least trying a first date with.

Also, this is a narrative of my own experiences. It is not meant to be a guide or advice for other guys. Lastly, I do not intend to degrade or belittle women. Medellin just happens to have many of them. My situation is a little different than most foreigners here in Colombia. At first glance, Medellin women do not perceive me as a foreigner due to the way I look.

It is an immediate sense of curiosity that some Colombian women have upon meeting a foreigner. I do not get that immediate attention here in Medellin. Regardless, I look on the bright side and see this as an advantage. I have found that Medellin women, as in most parts of the world, love compliments and like it when a guy can make them laugh. So Spanish has been essential for me here in Medellin.

Meeting women in Medellin is not hard. Socially, women are a little different than the southern California women I was used to meeting. It is not usual for women in Medellin to go out by themselves just to let loose. Typically, very beautiful girls in Medellin will go to a bar or a nightclub in a group, and there will be guys in that group usually. For an emasculated man from the United States, this is a nightmare.

Here in Medellin, you do NOT need to play that game. I do this often, and many times I will dance one or two songs without even saying a word.

I get in there and leave silently. Amazingly, when I do that, women are more attracted than when I start talking to them while dancing. I started to read about this subject back in high school. I meet women in Medellin by just living my life. Every day I see gorgeous women walking up and down the street.

Do not even get me started on the gym, it is almost like a circus sideshow in there. On the street, I am usually attracted to women who look as if they are on their way to an office job.

Generally, these women will be dressed and fashionable. I can tell they are going to work because normally they will have a badge around their neck or pinned to their shirt or pants. Professional women who are educated and have an active daily routine are abundant in Medellin. In Medellin, you will also find a lot of beautiful, smart women who have their own business or work independently.

Being an entrepreneur my self this is a trait that I fancy. This is the type of woman that will discuss politics, religion, fashion, etc, and at the end of the date pull out her wallet and offer to split the bill and sometimes even pay for the whole meal. It always annoys me when foreigners say that they always have to pay when they go on dates with Paisa girls, blaming the women and saying that Medellin women only want to take advantage of them.

I teach English here in Medellin. I do NOT date my students. I am very North American in that regard. Though dating students in Medellin is not uncommon and sometimes not even frowned upon, it is definitely not acceptable in the United States, so I draw a line and never cross it.

Students will add me on Facebook and then their friends and cousins will add me. That has served to be an abundant source of women here in Medellin. Facebook is huge here, and striking up a conversation via facebook messenger after being added is not hard. This was a new friend I made and decided to pick up for the picture at Carnaval de Barranquilla. Most Medellin girls are pretty shy by nature. You have to understand that even though Medellin and the metropolitan area has around four million inhabitants it is still a small town.

Medellin is a conservative city which is very much in touch with its old traditions and customs. Family life is very traditional. Gender roles are also very conservative and defined, so logically the women here, for the most part, are timid until you get some alcohol in them and play some reggaeton, but we will get to that in a later blog post.

Even for a fluent Spanish speaker, I have found it frustrating sometimes. Many a time have I given up on a girl only to find out later that she was very interested. One night stands with women in Medellin are not very common for me. I definitely experienced more of this living in southern California than here in Medellin.

A foreign-looking guy could probably have a very different experience. I have found that being honest with women in Medellin is the best rout. Letting them know right away that I work a lot, and that my business goals are my primary focus has proven to be a key factor when dealing with women here. Some view their boyfriend or girlfriend as their possession, and they want to be viewed as a possession as well. So jealousy can get out of control. I love to ask my female students what they think of men in Medellin.

It is almost expected for a man to have a chick on the side. I avoid this by being honest and direct. I had to include it because I meet far too many guys that are just clueless. When it comes to Dating Agencies I personally have never used one, therefore, I have no recommendations, I do know that there are a few out there that do a good job. I never felt the need to get an account because I meet so many people through my language exchanges and just living my life here in Medellin.

Nevertheless, I subscribed for 3 months and gave it a whirl. In 3 months I went on about 20 dates from Colombian Cupid. It was pretty amazing. Out of the 20, I became friends with 8 of the girls and we still hang out. What does that consist of?

So I made a goal to message women. At first, I started by writing a funny, short message. So I put myself in the shoes of a paisa girl looking for a long-term relationship on Colombian Cupid, and I found my secret sauce. My first message was a compliment about something they wrote on their profile, not about their looks. It took more time, but the success rate skyrocketed. Once I had a good message exchange I would go to my filter, Facebook. Once I had them on facebook I was able to see all of their pictures, and they were able to see all of mine.

Once we were keen on each other I would ask for the date. Feel free to read it and leave a comment there if you have any questions. I have recently downloaded the Tinder and Happn application for my smartphone.

I have friends that swear by them; they go on dates all the time. This is an actual dating agency that sets updating tours in Medellin and is completely legitimate.

I did more research and found out that the business is owned by an American, Mark and his Ukranian wife, Anne. The women were all professionals, lovely and not professional working girls. After seven years of living here in Medellin, I have discovered that most of the guys that get asked for cash or things are guys that try to date prostitutes. Instead go out and try to meet a normal girl perhaps at the mall, at the bank, at a cafe, etc.

I dated Jessica for a couple of months, but things just did not work out. Mostly because she had to go to Bogota for her internship and it was really hard to keep the relationship going long distance.

I will update in detail soon. This has led me to go on far less dates than before. I do have a nice little anecdote though. I was at the bank the other day and I had to do a transaction at the teller. I was not really paying attention, but when I was called to the window the girl that was helping me was absolutely gorgeous. I smiled and said hi, then asked her how she was doing. I think she was taken aback because not many people actually ask her that. She said that they usually move them around.

I told her that I needed to make a deposit, we proceeded with the typical transaction details. She said that would be fine. As I walked away I stuffed the transaction receipt into my pocket and walked into the Exito supermarket to buy groceries. I had totally forgotten about the beautiful teller and proceeded to go play basketball as I usually do. When I got back home I remembered the girl.

This has been my life for the last few months: The deposit receipt was there and to my surprise…on the back…she had written her phone number. I immediately added it to my phone and sent her a WhatsApp message, telling her that I had missed her after work because I got caught up with work and then I went to play basketball.

She replied that it was fine, we exchanged a couple more messages and have been speaking since. We should be going out this weekend. Every weekend is a party and everyone is single, even girls with boyfriends are single in Medellin. My favorite thing about December in Medellin is the street parties in different neighborhoods. The whole block is closed off and very loud music is played, food is cooked, and dancing and drinking continue into the middle of the next day.

Recently I reconnected with a girl who has been an acquaintance for more than a couple years now. Last weekend I went on a Christmas Chiva party bus , and there she was, with a different guy. I just said hi and hung out and danced with the girls I came with.

After 2 hours of riding around town while drinking and dancing we talked. We danced for the rest of the night, then once the chiva dropped us off we continued talking I blacked out for a good part, but I remember most of our conversation. She also lives alone and is quite intelligent.

On another note, I found a video that I had made with a Paisa friend of mine where I asked him questions about women in Medellin. Well, the girl that I started to see in December has become just a friend. I really liked her a lot, but she did something that kind of confused me. A couple weeks ago, she wrote me on WhatsApp. She wrote that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend and that she was thinking about getting back with him.

Mind you this is after we had already been out on several dates and gotten physical. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and went with thinking she was being honest. In lieu of being…dumped we were never actually dating, but…still , I decided to reopen my Colombian Cupid Dating Site account.

I talked to a few girls, but nothing special. Regardless, I sent her a private message. Shortly after she replied and we started to exchange messages. Ultimately I got her phone number and added her to WhatsApp. We went on our first date last Saturday. Thanks to my notes I know that her favorite food is Italian, so I took her to a great restaurant called IL Castello in el poblado. I had the Fettuccine Alfredo very good.

By this time I could totally feel the chemistry, so once we were done with the Sangria we headed over to Vintrash for dancing. Wow, can this girl move, I was floored. By the end of the date, we had connected very well through conversation, and physically through dancing and lots of kissing. To be honest, I get bored. I usually do stuff on weekends like play basketball. I play on two different teams in a couple tournaments and I play pick up as well.

Or just going to Ciudad Del Rio to eat at the food trucks. Or going out with a group of friends to a bar or a club and having a fun time. A couple of weekends ago we went to a finca country house on the lake at Guatape with a few friends.

We had lots of food and drinks, swam in the lake, played soccer, pet the cows and had an awesome time. She works at a bank full time. So we see each other sometimes during the week, but mostly on weekends. There were other girls there, and we were all dancing. Got in a cab without explanation and took off. Last week she wrote me and told me that she missed me, I told her the same.

So we met up for dinner. She arrived with a gift bag and gave it to me. It was a little-stuffed animal and a card, which I thought was awesome. I remember when I was a kid and I was going to go on my first date with a girl. I asked my dad for money to go to the movies.

He told me that I had to work for it. He then said that I had to go to work the next day as well. At 13 I was baffled by this.

He said that I needed to have money for: In Medellin, women, in general, expect the guy to pay. Of course, there are women that will offer to split or pay the whole tab.

Furthermore, there are girls that will want to take advantage. With D, I always send an Uber to pick her up and bring her to my apartment or to our date spot. Al Alma — This is my favorite for two reasons, the coffee is great and the portions are big. On December of last year, I made a few resolutions to make myself better in all areas of life.

Day DayChallenge pushups. A post shared by Andrew Macia andrewmacia on Sep 11, at 5: All of these things have helped me become more awesome.

My 3-year goal is to help retire my parents, therefore, I need all the energy, motivation, and positive influences I can get. One of my resolutions is to do more fun things out of the office. Therefore, on the first weekend of the year, I participated in a 3 on 3 tournament in a town called Marinilla near Rio Negro. Dani was nice enough to accompany me.

It was an all-day affair, so her putting up with basketball all day was nice. We got second place. After the tournament, we went to eat at a great restaurant in the town called La Torre. Marinilla is a cool little town less than an hour outside of Medellin.

On the way back home we took the bus. My B-Day was on January 3rd. It was a nice surprise. All of my friends were there and we had a great meal. I see it all of the time. Foreign guys come here and have a couple bad experiences, then state that all Colombian chicks are possessive, jealous, and crazy. If you ever hear that from a guy, make sure to ask him what his experience with women in his own country has been.

A lot has happened in these first three months of We both work during the week so we only see each other on weekends. We just moved to a bigger, better office. And all my basketball tournaments 3 of them are in full swing. One of my favorite things to do in Medellin with my friends is to rent out a finca country home and have a weekend party. We rented a bus.

Half of us met at Hija Mia Cafe, where the bus picked us up and took us to the finca in Santa fe de Antionquia, about an hour and half away from Medellin.

I ended things with Dani and have been very busy with work. Let me rephrase that. I ended things with Dani and buried myself in work. I mean now my business is doing the best it has…well…. My clients and team are very happy. Apart from work, I go to the gym 3 times a week and play basketball 3 times a week. I see her there every now and then. I have not approached her yet for a couple reasons.

It is not my intention to degrade or generalize Colombia women. Medellin is a beautiful city with a lot to offer. My intention is to show how these stereotypes are not true, how diverse dating can be in Medellin, and of course how interesting the Paisa woman is. I highly recommend it. Hello, my name is Andrew Macia and the Medellin Buzz is my blog.

I moved to Medellin in and fell in love with the city. I taught advanced level English for four years and then started a digital marketing company. I love Colombia, and Medellin is my home. I like to write and I want to give back to the community. This is the best way I know how. I hope you enjoy my blog! It slowly turned into a personal blog and hub for information for people discovering Medellin. In Medellin you will also find a lot of beautiful, smart women who have their own business or work independently.

Do you have any data to back this up? This post is about my personal experience. I have found many, and see many every day here in downtown. Teaching English to 18 to 30 year olds has made me more aware of that group of women as well. I by myself fund exat one of these girls! By casualty but i think more or less he s right in what he sais.

Must you be able to speak Spanish to teach English there? It may sound odd but many places this is not a requiement. Who do you work for. No speaking Spanish is not a requirement. How long does one have to teach? Competition for teaching jobs is growing and growing here in Medellin. Not only are there more foreigners wanting to teach, but there are also many Colombians, not only from Medellin, but from nearby cities.

Universities and private institutions alike require credentials. As for applying for a teaching job showing up and hounding the director or the person in charge of hiring is key.

There are more than private English institutions here in Medellin, so there is an opportunity. As for wages, most private institutions hire teachers as independent contractors for part time or full time work.

Some smaller institutions are poorly managed and getting paid on time can be an issue. My name is Rick. I live in Chicago. I am originally from India.

I visited Cali and Kartagena 3 months and now coming to Medellin on octo I love the Colombian girls and their style so here I am. Thank you for your experience sharing in Medellin. Would like to get to know the local culture by mingling with locals so can I spend few hours in your English class to experience the local way of life? Possibly go disco dancing with few of your fiends but of course all drinks are on me. I am not really interested in strip clubs or etc.

Well feel free to hit me up when you get here! Yes Mike, you are correct there are ignorant, racist people all over the world, including Medellin…as you have proved. However, Rick, I do have a few friends that are Indian that have managed to make lots of friends and actually run businesses and lead a successful life here in Medellin: Sidhartha, owner of the restaurant Curry https: People in Medellin are very friendly and are generally accepting of foreigners in their city.

They are just not usually interested on gringos, which is why they are not easily found by foreigners. Just to give you an example, there is about 3, registered hair salons and beauty supply shops in Medellin, and most of them are owned by women. Thanks for the comment. What kind of scare tactic is this?

Yes there are bad people here, but crime occurs everywhere in the world. Ah that really sucks. My friends and I all entrepreneurs have been living here for over 6 years now. Not one has had that happened to them. I love this blog brother Andrew! I live in the magical city of Orlando, Florida. I will be going to get my Celta certification in Medellin in January I love Colombian women!

My guys and I travel frequently to Colombia to relax and vacation. We are all a bunch of crazy Americans! You seemed to really like her a lot bro. I think it is pitiful that you cannot write something less shallow about such a beautiful, vibrant city than how to pick up Medellin women!

Everyone knows the women there are beautiful and easy to meet and date. And that they love foreigners, even though you are Colombian. How about the gastronomy, culture, events, music?? THAT would be much more helpful to those who want to experience Medellin. To go there looking for women is pathetic and gives US men a really bad name — kind of like the incident with the Secret Service in Cartagena. I have written about all of those topics.

If you look through my blog all of those topics are covered, even history my associates and I are tour guides here in Medellin , but this is the topic that gets the most attention. I think my post is probably one of the least offensive and paints the Medellin woman in a positive light.

I think it paints them as easy pick-ups. Maybe most of your readers are men if this topic gets the most attention. I completely respect your opinion and value your input. The topic of dating in Medellin? The fact that I prefer women who are professional? Thanks again for your comment. Dear Linda, It is very easy to safe yourself a peace of mind. Just do not read, and of course, do not judge things you are opposing naturally. America women say they got HIT On.

In Colombia they call it meeting someone. This might be why Americans talk about it…cause the women are not like you, and a lot of other American uptight women. They like attention so much and when they see other women especially cute women who are not fake like them nor have this man like attitude like them getting all the attention they get pissed off and nitpick every little thing out of frustration.

If that is how you feel then more power to you. Life is about living the way you feel is right for you.. Problem with men is that they become too attached to the female specimen.. Yes Daniel, email it over to me. First i would like to say that it is a great issue to write about. I gor to tell you the truth, when i read this post i got the feeling you would like to talk about your self a lil too much. And i, as someone that also live in medellin, i dont think the things are as you describe.

The avarage girls will expect you to pay for everything, spescialy the texi. The kind of girls are you describe are exsisted, and i know them as well, but they are not common. The high quality girls wouldnt be that fascinated from the gringos. Normaly the low level will. Try to write less about your stories and to bring more facts that connected to reality.

Hi Another Anonymous, thanks for the constructive criticism. I will work on getting more actual facts. I rather speak about my own experiences, but I guess you are right; when writing about delicate issues like gender and relationships one should have some stats. I date 50 to 60 YO or so. Often they find me as fascinating as I find them. It is often a great experience. I am Spanish tutor for foreigners in case someone is interested.. Thanks Andrew this is my contact info: Women who like a man who is not nice need a psychologist.

Live and learn and is this not why so many Colombian women think the men are all cheaters and then seek foreign men? Live and learn or error again? I ve been following your posts lately. I am too glad that a foreigner people as you write such a beutiful things about our city. Espero que no haya cometido muchos errores. Hi Jhon, thanks a lot. I look forward to meeting you at our next Conversation Club Cocktail Party.

I have been reading your posts and I am happy to see an honest approach to life there and to hear such a positive outlook on life there with your personal experiences. I definitely have a interest in visiting Medellin soon and exploring life and business there.

Hi Stacey, thanks for the positive feedback. Medellin is a great place to be, but then again a positive mind can make any place a great place. You gotta come see it to make it your own. I hope to meet you when you get down here. I am totally interested in living in a city outside the US that will allow me more for my money and is friendly to Americans just looking to integrate into their lifestyle and culture.

Not being discriminated against for being 60 is also important. I am healthy fit and handsome. Is Medellin worth giving a shot. I love the idea of teaching English. I taught high school for a few years. Thanks for any and all responses. Medellin should definitely be on your list of cities to consider. In regards to ageism in the dating world here. There is, however, ageism for work here. It is very rare to see anyone over 40 years old working.

Since you were a teacher you could perhaps work at a university, but you have a fair warning. BTW being a blue-eyed white guy works to your advantage here.

Encouraging words and nice to hear. I know some rudimentary Spanish that I would love to build on. Given any opportunity I think I can handle the dating scene. Thank you very much for sharing your experiences without advertising for some dating site or other. It makes you much more credible. And holding on to her if she happens to be attractive? Hi Hans, Thanks for the comment. I write based on my experience and my personality. Alpha males are not all that Medellin women look for.

Medellin has all types of women, so finding yourself a woman with the qualities you like is possible. I encourage you to come and test the waters. If you do visit Medellin make sure that you come for at least a month or two because most respectable women take a while to warm up to. There are so many things to do and see here. Thank you for the awesome post. I heard k-pop is huge in Medellin or in Colombia in general.

He told me a lot of young college aged Colombian girls would come up to you and ask to take pictures with them and etc. I have plans on visiting many countries in and Colombia is one of the country I will visit for sure!! The intimate side of our relationship ended 11 years ago and I have been asexual ever since, difficult for someone with my drive. The rest of the relationship has also started to fall apart. As she is now 77 and virtually housebound, she has tried to become a control freak around what I can do, where I can go, how long for etc.

She has also become incredibly jealous, to the point where I cannot talk to a woman in her presence and went I am not with her, I must be seeing someone. This relationship will end soon, as she has driven the love away and I am more here out of pity and keeping my early promise not to stick her in a home. Im 37 and my boyfriend is turn 23 in a week. We been together over a year.. Hes been around my youngest most her life, her dad was in jail most of the time. My family doesnt agree and has been hateful since we actually started dating we were friends first couple months he came to my moms for holidays until we were official.

We argue more bout my family more then anything. Everyone makes it an age issue around us. What should I do? I was so lucky to find my Mae 7 years after the first and only time I saw her in I caught her eye this time and being a cop got her license plate and her name address and even though her number in the phone book was under Mr. She answered her husband left her for a younger women years ago.

Forty eight year old woman here with a 29 year old husband. After being abused in my first marriage, I divorced after 3 years, no children. I lived in an apartment and he was an insurance guy who was trying to sell me a policy. He is so handsome I was hooked immediately. He made a date to come back that evening and we ended up in bed! We have now been married over eight years and its wonderful! My one concern is that much younger women always come on to him!!

The fact is that so many men in my age group are developing Erectile problems and its the cause of much problems in a marriage. We both love sex so much and he is fantastic, I will enjoy him as long as possible!!

Do you realize how bitter and over the top insulting you come off!! Such anger towards women in general and then their comments about women in terms of some sort of commodity for either sex or children is really childish. Must be older bitter men posting these things. I am 23 and she is I loved her and cared about her as much as I could.

But she always compared with her Ex. I admire her but she always want to be the boss. She thinks I am a kid and she think she know all the thing. These were small problems. The big one is that as she is older, she had her loved ones or soul mate and she will always love him. Now, she choose her Ex, dated him back no matter how I loved her. Mae and I spent 22 years as lovers,best friends,soulmates! Our 38 year difference in age never came into question!

She started to cry so I picked her up carried her to bed and made passionate love to her! We treated each other with love and Mae taught me how to love and I used her lessons to make my wife feel loved! I have had a few truly serious relationships with younger men, and I always get hurt. The latest one…we broke it off 2 months ago. I was very hurt. I realized I had feelings for him. When we talked about it he still wanted to see me but look for someone closer to his own age who he could potentially have kids with.

I feel like I got used. So yes it hurts. Mae and I were out in public through they years before Cougar was the term. Older men hated that Mae and I were together. Always feel early on IF he is mr. Dating older women is a blessing. I think it really for me has to be as in a necessity premise on not materialistic,but i love the fact when i am with a older woman? She is more affectionate, passionate, mature big plus for this latino.

Even in high school i crush on my older teacher thirty-two and i was only sixteen or fifteen,and at 17 another teacher, so there you go lol I personally knew i would marry 1 day older, and i do not care if she is way older, i try to stay under 20 years older but will go as high as thirty years IF we connect more than just the great sex with an older woman. I love older women. IMO they are not old yet, just Older women. I will marry an older lady, over 10 to fifteen or 20 years and i am going to be happy with just that.

Both of us growing old together and as ONE happy unit. We sure can adopt if we choose. Glad to be here. Marni I am sorry if I have taken to much space in your blog? Mae and I had a soulmate love affair! Part 6 When I turned 38 Mae was 76 our 38 years difference in age! We had a couple drinks to celebrate then I carried Mae to bed. We made love and fell asleep in each others arms! I got up dressed went home jumped in the shower my wife joined me I carried her to bed and made love to her on my birthday in the morning!

Part 5 The reason it worked for Mae and I was the 38 years between us didnt bother us and since my wife was busy with work and allowed me to be oncall for Mae it was great. Mae loved that from the first time I made love to her I would call her and thank her for a great time. I told her after the second month that I loved her and her response was I care for you very much. Finally on our 1st anniversary of our affair my wife was away on business Mae and I went out for dinner I brought her roses and back to my house.

I carried her up to bed and made love to her I told her I loved her and she finally said I love you. Part 4 My wife gives my cell number to Mae so I can help her since I am handy fixing things. Mae and I make up a list of fix it projects to keep me coming for Mae! My wife having to go out of town on business even suggests I go to neighborhood pool party with Mae as my date!

She tells Mae that I am her date and keep a certain blonde neighbor away from me! One neighbor told my wife your husband and Mae are having a affair! I gave her his phone number so he can help her. Mae and I went to the pool party and the neighbor that told my wife came by to talk to us!

I walked Mae home and at the front door knowing she was watching we shared a long passionate kiss! I told my wife I kissed Mae because the neighbor was watching! My wife laughed saying she will be calling me to tell on you! Part 3 I being 30 and my wife 22 made it easy for me to have Mae 68 as my mistress! My wife was thin but large chest 36dds! Mae would wake me at 3 we would make love again I would shower with Mae and get home in time to make supper!

This made Mae and I getting together so much easier and my wife never dreamed that I would take a lover 38 years older when I had a wife 8 years younger! I forgot to mention Mae was 68 I was 30 and my wife My wife would make love to me 4 or 5x a month. We worked opposite shifts giving me plenty of time to make love to Mae. My wife would go out of town for a week I would be at Maes and we would make love day and night and I finally had her come to my house and make love in my bed.

I first saw Mae I was The second time I was I knew she was older but I didnt know how old. We hit it off from the start. Her husband left her for a younger woman and I was married 3 months when I found Mae the second time. Our affair lasted 22 years til alshiemers claimed her mind. Her sister met me at her home a couple years earlier in Maes home and said we tried fixing her up with men her age but she turned them down now I understand why. My wife knew Mae but never dreamed I was in bed with her every week.

For the past 2 and a half years I have been dating a guy 14 years my junior. He is 32 and I am I have 3 kids and he has none.

We go through daily teenage tantrums and toddler activities and needs. He has a very good heart and extremely affectionate and loves the kids. I never experienced such goodness in previous relationships. The battles I face though as an older woman is firstly he is unemployed and cannot maintain a job. His sexual drive is extremely low. Also my kids get irritated because if they ask me a question then he would respond.

I know he is just trying to be part of the family and respect him for that. How do I maintain the balance as I would not one to loose him. He even love me more than I do. Sometimes I imagined that if all those men that ever per sued me lined up I still choose him over them though he may not stable financially yet but he is working on it now. We know what we are thinking, we supports, encourage or motivate each other.

I really appreciate it when he shares his problems, fear, doubt, accomplishments in school or job even when he being happy. Make it easy for me to communicate with him and he respects my space as well. He seems to be more matured than his age and always think in advanced.

Then I found out that he actually become serious with me which I never thought it all and now he planning to come for visit again. I had ask few closed friends of mine just to know their opinions mostly they are very supportive and told me not to break his heart except some of them disagreed coz of age.

I never ask him about his family reactions but he going to introduce me to one of his family members. And one of my friends said it does not mean that if you choose someone with the same age like yours can guaranteed you a happy marriage.

All depends on you and your partner to determine which course or journey you going to embark as long you guys happy. I think the key of everything is communication and how mature the man is. Everybody deserve to be happy…. Age is just a number after all…. We have been together for nearly 2 years and have a baby girl together. She also has 3 sons. I love her more than I thought I could ever love someone. I see how good of a mother she is to our children and it makes me love her all the more.

She is the kindest most loving person I have ever met and I have been all over this nation and never met anyone like her. We plan to marry in June and I do not take such a commitment lightly. I intend to be there for her until death do us part.

I would put my life in her hands and she would do the same for me. We have a love that is the envy of all her friends, not because of my physical appearance, but because of how well I treat her and how happy we are together.

If there is a huge age gap, I could see there being some kind of issue in the long term but for the most part, age does not matter. Maturity, common goals, and dedication are deciding factors with age gapped relationships. Im 53 iv been with older women for since my early 20s slept with them the sex is great witj these women. I know 3 older women now im griends with but i know a lady that im interested on who is a year younger these other women are divorced but tjey are great freinds any advice on what i should do?

I am always aware that in our culture, men are able to date much younger with little blowback while women are looked at as some misdirected cradle robber …….. My ex and I were married for almost 20 years and together for most of 28 years He was 10 years younger … met him when he was 27 married him when he was 36 and I was Age was not a factor in our divorce Due to a health issue when I was 31, he was aware I was unable to have children which happens to many women during their child bearing years for one reason or another.

It also was not a factor in our divorce. My father died 22 years ago and my mother is still living and relatively healthy at age Men marry women much much younger all the time and no one blinks an eye. There is no rule that women cannot do the same and it makes so much more sense for a woman to be older.

Many people are fine being childless. As long as the person is an adult and not developmentally delayed in some way and is not capable of making a thought out decision regarding who they will marry.. Again, as I said previously, men marry young women all the time with little flack. While I personally just think people… both men and women…. No matter how old their partner is at the time. What is important is they are mature enough to understand the seriousness of partnering legally and understanding their own needs in a partner.

I was just curious on what people had to say on dating younger men. I am 45 and was in a relationship with a 32 yr. I had dismissed any kind of relationship in my head as I just assumed we would want different things.

I already have a ten year old son from my previous marriage. It would take a very special person for me to let into my son and my my life. Of course there are all forms of human depravity but realistically any man in his 20s or 30s going out with a 50 year old is a loser looking for his mommy.

Since dating my cougar there are 3 things she loves to do to me. One is making me work. Two at times loves to seduce me. Also the cuddle time is always fun while she teases me. She also knows when I am about ready to sleep. This woman has been married 5 times and most of them seem to be, at least partially,career decisions. Directors, producers and collaborators who she got work with.

Maybe Alla Pugacheva does. A 30 year old and a 50 year old can still have a lot in common and be physically compatible. Most of us start to look older and feel older. For most men the physical attraction will wane. He may start to think he made a mistake years earlier and then both of you will get hurt.

Money makes a difference. It is all about maturity. These men should be thinking about their future such as being in a committed relationship and having family and yet, Cougars take advantage of them which is nothing but egotistical narcissistic selfishness.

Usually, it is only the more physically attractive women who doing this power-trip, for spite against their EX, for sex, middle-life crisis, and so they should seek help or at least listen to their relatives.

A dead end road. Recently I met a 51 year old woman. She is 10 years older than me. We are physically and emotionally attracted to each other. I chased her and she eventually cougar seduced me.

She also met my friend who is 37 but she is not emotionally attracted to him. On our 1st date recently she told me that she was 51 and I was in complete shock. She to me looks years old. The only deal breaker for me is someday I want to have a child to continue the family name. Her reply was not one I liked but everything else I like about her.

For now I will put that aside but if I meet a younger women who can have kids then I might have to move on from my sexy cougar. The article DID leave 1important thing out however. I am 45and have 3children. He however had NOT been married nor has children and would like them.

Thus, it happens not just to me but to others as well. This must be love. Been with my younger man over 8 years and married for 7. I am 18 years older and yes it is certainly working for us. I am 47 and met a guy 20 years my junior last year.

Started out as friends cos we shared the same interests. Never expected of me to meet and fall for a guy with a wide age gap but was surprised when he reciprocated. Meanwhile i will just go with the flow and enjoy the process of being in love again. He cares for me a real gentleman I get shocked and surprised.

He amazed me all the time. Is it too good to be true? He never asked me for anything in months both make our own money. Its like all we want is eachothers time. We say we LOVE eachother. Is it to soon? I am living with a friend I met on the internet, he is 47 and I am He has told me he only wants a friendship but I would like more. I am not sure really if he finds me unattractive or just not sexually alluring but we do get on so well. I have been living with him for the last 7 months on and off as I am also a part time carer for my mum and cannot be there during the week.

He said he finds women want to control him in relationships and he is happy as he is just having friendships rather than relationships but the funny thing is we live like husband and wife without the sex. We cook for each other and could easily get mistaken for husband and wife. We sat up a few weeks back until 5am talking about things that had happened to him in his life and he told me some pretty awful things that had happened to him as a child.

I wanted to kiss and hug him but I feel frightened of scaring him if I start touching him too much let alone trying to kiss him.

I sometimes feel that he really would like things to go further between us but denies it if we talk. I would not swap him for anyone else, I just wish I could have met him when I was a little younger. This article is utter nonsense. When it comes time for family or really amazing lovemaking, young guys such as myself, always run back to the year olds, except of course for the beta males. I love her very much, we talk about everything.

I am so much in love with older women, not for money but i find them sexy. To Alison Jones I am 50…He is Been together 2 yrs. Something I had never believed in until him.

I adore him, he adores me. He saved me, I saved him. At first I was a little shy in public. But hey…people hate on other people no matter what.

And one of the best things about being 50 is the ability to not care about what others think or say. Laying in the arms of the man who loves me. Nothing compares to being loved and loving someone. I love being in love with him. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Neither of them will ever be able of accepting him.

Ive been divorced 14 yrs. The other two were my age. My oldest son hated them as well. They both have violently attacked him.

I fear for his life, I fear for my sons. I have decided that the answer lies within each of my sons. It is not my obligation to provide an answer to them. It would never occur to me to ask either of them for an explanation as to why they love who they have chosen to love.

I am happy that they love and are loved. I have made all parental sacrifices, done the best of my ability to be half the mother to them as my mother was to me. I love them both. I want to be a factor in their lives. It is what it is. My heart aches for them. I fear I will die before they will accept who I love. Leaving them with a burden of guilt. I know they know how much I love them.

I had such a nice time and he is so laid back and cool, but I find myself now wanting it to just go away. I am probably better at taking care of my health than he is and more physically active. But he is so darn cute and sweet with no stupid attitude. I really appreciated this. But it was nice for a short weekend. Our problems start with her grown kids. One son threatened my life street-thug and stole a tv from me I placed in his mothers bedroom.

Another child of hers recently broke into her bedroom again and stole a weapon of mine, made up a elaborate story, causing confusion among their family members. Those issues along with constant accusations, lies, brats have contributed to us growing apart. Personally i am seriously looking for an older lady 4 marriage, i am tired of my age mates who are not serious at all.

I pray that my dream comes true before end of this year. I think your advice is for insecure guys who just want a female they can control. Most men who are confident in themselves would go for any woman they love regardless of age.

But sadly it is true that younger women are totally clueless and ignorant about the real principles of life and that is why they are more controllable by macho men. Aww, that is so sweet.. Just ask her out! I am a young black man age 27 and i am willing to marry a woman only if we understand each other so i am open to date any age.

I am a young black man age 27 good looking,loving,caring and respectful and love to be social some time. At the beginning its fun. In the middle younger will try to coup up and compromise at last nothing left behind. Never ever do that mistake and as far as dating is concerned its good otherwise guys you will ruin your life never marry an older woman.

We have a lot in common and are the best of friends, and love each other deeply. At age 43 I got pregnant by accident and lost the baby. I feel bad about that and wish I could give him a child. We are getting married in 5 months and our families are really happy for us. I take good care of myself. Wow, I thought I was alone in the world. A few months ago, I invited him to hang out with me and my 25 year old niece. My niece went to bed and he and I wound up talking until 2 in the morning.

A few weeks later, he and I went to a bar with my 25 year old niece and her 43 year old boyfriend. That was rather confusing for our waiter! Now, my 27 year old friend and I go out frequently. We love the same things — amusement and water parks, zip lines, scary movies and Mexican food. When I read about you and your partner I felt a bit of a relief. Goodluck to you both , I hope it works out. My girlfriend and I been together for over 6 years.

Physical, emotional, and intellectuality a perfect fit. However, family plays a very negative role in our relationship. We also know public perception would not been kind. Her career tanked and physical health caused her outlook to change to acceptance. Only way we overcome is our bond and understanding each other.

Physical connection does that. Yes, our sex is amazing. This article gives me some encouragement. About 7 years I met someone at work casually until one day she invited a few co-workers to her house for a get-together.

I was the only one that could make it. We talked a lot I mostly listened. She was 47 at the time and I was She told me all about her life. How her husband who made k a year of 20 years cheated on her many times, her daughter has severe mental illness and other things. At this time I thought we were just two people talking. Until some of her stories got emotional and she began to break down and cry little. Then she took me into her bedroom.

I had no idea she wanted to sleep with me. A couple weeks later she asked if I wanted hang out with her and I did. The same thing happened. After the first time I really liked her, then after the third or fourth time, I started to have feelings for. She was perfect and very attractive to me. I never told her my feelings about her and she always initiated everything and we really went out one time.

But about a month later she said that the age gap was a problem because of what other people might say or think. Then she said was worried that I might leave her later on for someone else and she would feel bad for staying with when she gets very old or sick. She told me that she told her aunt about us and she was happy for her.

She asked me to be friends with her, but I thought she just wanted to sleep with someone else. She even told me that I was the best lover she ever had. All this talk about our relationship was done by e-mail. I tried dating a few girls my age, but no one clicked. I know I will never find anyone remotely likely again. Maybe I am trying for a second chance. Hi there — I am reading all of these comments from people — I am finding it interesting. I am a 53 year woman interested in a 38 year old man I have known for over 6 years.

He met me when I was at my worst — I was recovering from a neck fusion that had gone badly. He was in an unhappy marriage. He is Indian and gorgeous, smart, fun, etc. I have been attracted and liked him this whole time — he was married when I met him but very unhappy but he stayed true to his ex-wife. I always thought there was an attraction between us.

Now we are back in touch and things with our friendship are great — we also have some romance going too. We have not slept together — maybe because of his culture, he recently lost his job — that is a big deal with him — he is looking — plus he took over everything financially following his divorce.

He is very stressed. I am giving him space. Everytime we see each other we get physical. He is more mature than any guy my age or older that I have ever been involved with.

I am hoping it turns into a real romance. He once told me he likes older women. You would never know I am People think I am in my mid to late 30s at the most.

I take care of myself even following 2 neck fusions. He is not using me clearly for sex as we have not gone there yet — I am hoping we do, but I want it to mean that he is ready to move forward.

I think what maybe holding him back is his situation following his divorce. I have a 14 year old son through invitro — I was engaged once — never married. He was married once as I said for 10 years got married at Divorced almost 2 years.

If you’re an older woman dating a younger man, is it doomed from the start or will you be happily ever after? A few things to consider when taking the train to Cougarville. I first wrote this post about my dating experience in Medellin back in April of It’s and I continue to update this post. Medellin women are beautiful, and word is . So, here's my biggest pet peeve with online dating (OkCupid specifically): you're looking through women's pages, when you stumble upon someone who's .