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Sex with strangers in hotels, a long term relationship, multiple partners, weekly meets and plans to leave a husband are among the stories of infidelity. But the physical aspects of a relationship are just as important as the companionship and thousands of people have affairs each year. For some it ends up being the breakdown of a marriage and leads to a broken home and custody battle for children but for others it can sustain a relationship at breaking point.
Below three ordinary middle aged share their experiences of cheating. So, why did I have affairs? I did however realize that despite dearly loving my handsome husband of 23 years, our sex life was limited to ABC sex anniversaries, birthdays and Christmases. If I was lucky. It seemed the older I got, the more sexual I became. I wanted to explore, experience, take a few risks and yes, I wanted to hang from those God damn chandeliers!
I naively never questioned why my husband never looked at me as I got dressed in the mornings and often shied away from pressing himself against my body as we squeezed passed each other by the oven door.
I guess the signs were all there, but when you have bills to pay, kids to look after and socks to pair up, the sex side of a marriage dissipates at a rapid rate of knots. Quite frankly, I just thought that we had a typical and very normal married sex life. And dull at that so I decided to join a dating website. Of course, there were inevitably the men who were looking for quickies between board meetings and some even went so far as admitting that a double macchiato and sex on their way back from the City was a perfect alternative to having to pay for a hooker.
I was surprised by the amount of genuinely loving men who admitted with pained expressions that they desperately wanted to make love to their wives, however, for a multitude of reasons, this past time was never going to be on the marital cards again.
Over time, I met men who had wives with arthritis, alcoholism, menopausal symptoms, depression, to name a few. The longing to be touched by my husband faded along with the vintage lace on my wedding dress and I was peeved that as we marched up the aisle, 23 years ago to say our vows, not one person spoke up about what happens when one of the partners no longer wanted to get cosy beneath the Egyptian cotton sheets.
Were we just meant to suffer in silence? Or were we meant to get total satisfaction from self-stimulation before the school run? I remember the first affair I had. I arrived at a quirky restaurant in London that seemingly only had road kill on the menu.
I really had no clue how affairs worked and genuinely tried to back out after the first teenage snog on the tube.
I did, and it was great. This gentle man who has since become a fabulous friend, explained how he struggled with the thought of never having intimate times again with his wife who is riddled with arthritis. He yearned to hold her close, yet the physical pain she felt was too much to even comprehend the thought of having a cuddle, let alone sexual intimacy. Another highly sexed man became addicted to cocaine and regularly woke up in crack dens at 5am, only to brush down his Saville Row suit and head to his breakfast meeting in Mayfair.
There was also a man whose wife had had a mastectomy and would understandably never get undressed in front of him again. We all had one thing in common. We all dearly loved our spouses, but the need for intimacy drove us to utter confusion and subsequently, affairs. Things changed for me when I met a man who I fell for.
In retrospect, I perhaps fell for the situation as opposed to him. I went from washing sweaty running shorts and arguing over packed lunches, to making love to a 40 year old doctor on the top floor of the Hilton, resting my head on his shoulder during a West End musical and holding hands in the rain as we laughed our way into a hotel foyer. We are led to believe that people who have affairs are akin to something we find on the bottom of our wellies after a walk in the country.
I beg to differ. However, when you are in love with a spouse who no longer wants the same physical stimulation, for whatever reason, what are you meant to do? Without a doubt, having had several affairs is not something I am proud of and but since very recently finding out that my husband had hidden his cross-dressing fetish for all our married life, the guilt has eased.
I now understand why he was never very demonstrative and I can only assume that he got the satisfaction he needed from wearing my underwear and dresses; when what I needed was a strong man to hold me in his arms and make me feel secure.
I've lost my husband or happy that we had 23 years together raising two beautiful children and travelling the world? What I do realize is that life is not black and white.
Well, I've been married for many years and can honestly say that until last year had never cheated before in any sense. I started going out with my husband when I was just 18 so for most of my adult life he had been all I had known sexually.
We have one child and so at the earlier part of last year I began to look more closely at our relationship and marriage in general. I reflected on the previous few years and realised that the physical side of our relationship had all but disappeared.
I left it a while and then sensitively broached the subject again of our lack of intimacy and again I basically got the brush off. I think it's fair to point out that in all other respects we have a great relationship; enjoy nights out, holidays, have a laugh etc but this missing bit was starting to get in the way. He talked me through my options: I could leave, I could stay and carry on accepting that was my lot or I could stay and get what I needed elsewhere.
When I first looked I was amazed at how many there were, and how many men appeared to be in a similar situation to myself. I have always kept my profile brief but honest and thought that if anyone wants to know more they will ask. What I did tell anyone whom I got chatting to though was that I was looking for passion, intimacy and sparks that was missing from my relationship. I was not and still am not looking to upset anyone's home life as I want discretion and respect my side.
Ironic as it sounds I am a very honest person with a great deal of respect for anyone I have met up with, even if it has not developed into a physical relationship. Looking back now I was rather naive and foolish as the first guy I met with I invited him to my house as I was alone.
I've never done that since and first meets always take place in a public place as i realise safety and discretion must come first. Anyhow the sex was OK but rather non eventful. Protection was used but all three times that day he never lasted more than three minutes; not exactly the mind-blowing moment I had been leading up to. The second meet the following meet was with a guy from Leicester whom I met at a hotel halfway between us.
It was meant to be an overnight but after the first time he suddenly went into a panic, felt guilty about his partner and made an excuse to leave. Well that didn't exactly leave me feeling good about myself afterwards and I questioned if this was really for me.
I also wondered if I was so horrible that it put guys off once they had met me. I only ever use current photos on my profile so I never lied. I then decided that I wouldn't sleep with a man on a first meet but would meet for coffee or a drink, see how we got on and then make arrangements.
After all I was not after a succession of one of meets but wanted someone to meet regularly with whom I could build a good friendship with. I then met a guy in a country park and we went for a long walk, talking about our lives, wishes and desires which felt good.
I met up with him on five occasions but it was all one sided as he was out of work and I was always paying the hotel bill so I told him it couldn't go on. In short succession I met two guys with the same name whom I still see - nine months on - when we can. One of them is drop dead gorgeous but a bit vanilla in the bedroom and the other is very funny and like a teenager on heat. But it gets even more complicated as I then started chatting to a guy who said he was 54 and when I met him it was obvious he was older.
He later admitted to being 10 years older. Anyhow I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was amazed at how much stamina he had. It did feel odd sleeping with a man that old at first but he was good in bed. I then had to live in a hotel during the week for a few months due to work and often I was lonely. Now I'm not proud but did find myself having company at least twice a week, some one offs others for a bit longer. During this time I agreed to meet with a guy who on the surface wasn't what I would normally go for but something about talking to him had me intrigued.
We live very close to each other, but observe our private lives. We meet at least weekly at least for a drink and drive, and about every three weeks go to a hotel either daytime or overnight which is pretty special for us both. The only factor that I didn't allow for is that I have developed feelings for him. Of course I can't say anything as I don't know if he feels the same and I don't want to lose what we have. If he indicated he wanted a proper relationship I would give up the other three guys I see and would even contemplate ending my marriage for him.
Whilst all this is going on I believe my husband is completely oblivious but happy as we continue on as normal. I believed I could manage without it, as the rest of our relationship is wonderful, but I've always been highly sexed, and as time went by, I knew I needed more.
I was constantly emotional, I was always tense and my husband and I argued an awful lot. Now, since meeting my secret lover and starting our affair, everything is better at home. I'm so much more relaxed at home, I know I am loved both at home and in secret, and nobody is getting hurt. He believes it is because I'm working and getting a bit of time out, when in reality it's because I'm seeing my lover and feeling wanted and desired again.
The women all shared their stories after using the married dating website Illicit Encounters. Sex can be a big driver in the desire to cheat Image: Getty Get daily news updates directly to your inbox Subscribe See our privacy notice More newsletters.
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A daily "I love you" seems to do the trick. Say it at the end of a phone call or when you go to bed at night. Pick good, happy and rested times to suggest sex — and let your partner off the hook if he or she is not in the mood. But don't feel bad if you sense your partner is being dutiful once in a while. Many of the people who told us they have sex out of obligation also told us they were extremely happy in their relationships. A sociologist and author, Pepper seeks to improve the lives of aging boomers and the age plus audience by enhancing their relationships and offering advice on everything from sex and health issues to communication and dating in midlife and beyond.
Sex toys have gone mainstream and are easy to find online, in malls or even in many drugstores. If you're curious, why not suggest a shopping trip to see what all the raves are about? Kissing bonds partners more deeply. So set the stage at least once a week: It's easy to get back in the habit! More than a quarter of men say they aren't having enough sex, while a quarter of women don't have the lifestyle they'd hoped for. Roughly 14 percent of men and 19 percent of women want more affection.
Four out of 10 men and 44 percent of women say their partner is fulfilling all their needs. To get more affection, give it. Offer a foot massage or a neck rub, use pet names and dress up occasionally just to please your partner. But 88 percent of couples who say they're "extremely happy" plan time alone together. Go out with your partner at least twice a month to maintain a sense of closeness.
In unions of any length, more praise will yield more happiness. Be appreciative of your partner and you're likely to prompt more loving feelings in response. Couples who do not include oral sex in their lovemaking tend to be just as happy with their partners as those who do. Whether you partake says more about what you and your partner enjoy than it does about the quality of your bond. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex.
But even among couples who report being "extremely happy," an astonishing one-fourth rarely or never get it on. If you haven't been able to reignite your relationship on your own, see a sex therapist.
The American Association of Sex Educators can help you find a qualified practitioner in your area. Many things besides romance can keep partners bonded: But if you're among those who would not rechoose your partner, ask yourself what might make you feel differently.
A new joint career? A move to a better place? Sometimes recognizing problems and openly dealing with them can create new appreciation for your partner. More than 70, people have completed The Normal Bar's online survey. The results on these pages are drawn from the responses of the 8, participants who indicated being age 50 or older. Results from respondents of all ages are included in a new book, The Normal Bar: See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more.
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Have you given up an important part of yourself to keep your relationship together? Marriage generally improves life expectancy, but the age gap between a couple affects the life expectancy of men and women very differently. Marrying an older man shortens a woman's lifespan, but having a younger husband reduces it even more, the study found. The findings, drawn from the medical records of two million Danish couples, suggest that the best a woman can do is marry a man of about the same age.
Health records have shown previously that men live longer if they have a younger wife, an effect researchers expected to see mirrored in women who married younger men. But a study by Sven Drefahl at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rosktock, Germany, shows that the greater the age gap between a woman and her husband, the shorter her life expectancy, regardless of whether he is older or younger. Researchers used to think that healthier individuals were in a better position to choose younger spouses and so already had a longer life expectancy.
A younger spouse may also have a beneficial psychological effect on the older partner and provide them with better care in old age. However, Drefahl's study casts doubt on these ideas, since they do not hold for women marrying younger men.
Some explanation may lie in the quality of friendships men and women form throughout life. Women tend to have more close friendships outside marriage and so benefit less than men from having a partner.
Marrying an older man shortens a woman's lifespan, but having a that the best a woman can do is marry a man of about the same age. Were they actively looking for sex, he wondered? More women were beginning to see opening their marriages as a . Great, he replied. Marrying an older woman may even yield benefits fairly early in a marriage. that you love each other: You feel great just being in a room with that person, you .