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Beautiful couples waiting casual encounter Great Falls I want a thick girl m4w I'm waiting for a NSA partner or possibly a FWB if it works out (mainly thick girls) because they're my favorite ;) I especially love busty woman, something about a top heavy woman really turns me on I want a girl with something to grab onto. If you enjoy things like the outdoors, sleep, science, art, film, history, animals, technology, space sleep, literature or Objectivism, then we'll probably have a huge amount to talk about. I do get a lot of msg's and one liner s like whats up. Good lookin Light skinned with a BIG dick. M4w Im a young black boy seeking for a thickas in thighs and big booty female or at least some nice breast. Fit light gray and brown hair, hazel eyes and clean cut,Love to cook, go to great restaurants, have a good stable job, own car, no bills, live single.
That's Aussies for you. Nothing quite like a week off What I did get however was a staycation Had been planning this for a couple of months to coincide with besties being in town and staying with us.
Not sure what I was expecting beyond that but four of the last six nights have been varying degrees of drunk. That shit never happens. They don't fly out until tonight which I should probably be kind of sad about but the opposite is the case. Turns out having fun, staying up to 5am, eating out, socialising and generally enjoying life takes its toll. Anyway with all that in mind you guys will understand why I cheat a little bit today and replace this bit were I ramble and drivel with a bunch of short jokes.
Almost as if it never happened, everything will be back to normal next Thursday. Oh by the way - I know some of you have been having issues with Orsm videos. Have been trying to troubleshoot the cause and think we finally have it sorted. If you have any problems can you please let me know here. Alright let's move on. A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk.
Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music. The Wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her Husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. The Husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says "You didn't leave an outline".
She says "Smell the rim". The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
He presents a worn and tattered leather condom that has seen better days, had several repairs in the past and proudly places it on the counter. The Scotsman pauses for a moment and in a thick accent says "I'll be back in a wee minute". After about 5 minutes the Sergeant marches back up to the counter and proudly announces "The regiment has all pitched in and decided it's time we got a new one!
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. Don't remove your clothes Retrozoid - So F-ing Awes!
A guy is walking along Bondi Beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says "I want to live forever".
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition? Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway. Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him.
Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out comes little Johnny's favourites - the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass? Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears.
When his mum catches up with him she says "Little Johnny don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out". At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass? Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace.
She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a sq. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. The water will dry out either way.
If you're waiting long enough, someone else will do that. Continue watching the same channel. Decides to continue sleeping. If they don't, continue what you were doing. Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response". That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner? Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Not sure what I was expecting beyond that but four of the last six nights have been varying degrees of drunk. That shit never happens. They don't fly out until tonight which I should probably be kind of sad about but the opposite is the case. Turns out having fun, staying up to 5am, eating out, socialising and generally enjoying life takes its toll.
Anyway with all that in mind you guys will understand why I cheat a little bit today and replace this bit were I ramble and drivel with a bunch of short jokes. Almost as if it never happened, everything will be back to normal next Thursday.
Oh by the way - I know some of you have been having issues with Orsm videos. Have been trying to troubleshoot the cause and think we finally have it sorted. If you have any problems can you please let me know here. Alright let's move on. A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music. The Wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her Husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. The Husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says "You didn't leave an outline". She says "Smell the rim". The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
He presents a worn and tattered leather condom that has seen better days, had several repairs in the past and proudly places it on the counter.
The Scotsman pauses for a moment and in a thick accent says "I'll be back in a wee minute". After about 5 minutes the Sergeant marches back up to the counter and proudly announces "The regiment has all pitched in and decided it's time we got a new one!
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. Don't remove your clothes Retrozoid - So F-ing Awes! A guy is walking along Bondi Beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says "I want to live forever". Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition? Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway.
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out comes little Johnny's favourites - the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says "Little Johnny don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out". At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus.
When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass? Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a sq. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. The water will dry out either way. If you're waiting long enough, someone else will do that.
Continue watching the same channel. Decides to continue sleeping. If they don't, continue what you were doing. Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response". That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".
Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner? So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner? Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner? So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free!
And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do? You may like to try the Guilt function also. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV".
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde? Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!! After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork? The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Two out of work Aboriginal's decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the Aboriginal's and said "Hey guy, would you like a hand job? A few minutes later another hooker approached the Aboriginal and said "Hey guy, would you like a blow job? After the hooker left, one of the Aboriginal's turned to his mate and said "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already! We've all heard the overused " 1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.
Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do!
You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day! While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a check-up. But then the patient added "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems".
Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on! A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. What do you pray for? I'm outta here but because I know you want more you should definitely read the following Yes this does mean you will have to touch his genitals. Want to fight me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to annoy me. Sad to see what's going on Syria. Rarely give a crap about who's warring with who or why but photos of the chemical attack which killed children left a sick feeling in my stomach.
You get that adults are going to die during conflict but anything that puts in harm's way or worse, actually targets kids, comes courtesy of some very fucked up cunts. Even more disturbing is that such an attack could be perpetrated by a government on its own people. Someone needs to step in and put an end to that insanity - I know its such a simplistic view but a couple of well-timed drone attacks on bad guy HQ should have the whole thing over quickly and life can return to some form of normal.
Hot on the heels of last week's excitement to [finally] see some activity on our house build, this week started even more gloriously with the concrete slab [finally] going down.
Made it to site before 7am on Monday thinking we'd be the first ones there but it was already a hive of activity with a bunch of guys setting up and waiting for concrete trucks to arrive. Also wanted to make sure I got to put some of dogs tennis balls in the slab too. After she died I scoured the garden for old chewed-up balls and collected a whole bucket full.
Still haven't been able to bring myself to scatter her ashes yet so thought keeping some things of hers close to where we'll live [hopefully for a long time] would be a good way to honour her memory. One thing I'd forgotten about tradesmen, one thing I've used to be guilty of when I was one, is how insanely unhealthy some of them can be. Watching a guy start the day with an oversized can of Red Bull whilst eating a meat pie and smoking a cigarette hurt my brain.
Funny thing is he'll probably live to We went back past later in the day to have a celebratory drink with a few friends and fam and of course scrawl something on my brothers side.
Now its waiting game again - at least a several weeks before anyone can start laying bricks. Going to feel like an eternity but if ones things for certain it's that I'm used to waiting Orright let's quickly run through all the other crap that's been going on.
I 'll preface that by say it isn't much so now might be a good time to engage your mouse wheel and scroll down a teeny bit to where there's a bunch of outgoing links and enlighten yourself with some websites all probably better than mine.
On the other hand if you like waffle just keep reading Saturday was just bizarre. Started annoying the GF until she woke up. Okay wait that wasn't bizarre. That's how I start -every- day. Bizarre came midmorning - made some motherfucking eggs and sat on the couch only to realise there was not a single thing that needed my attention.
No pressing work stuff. No computers to fix. No one I had to go see. Seriously hasn't happened in years. Perplexed I idled listlessly around the house before finally the phone rang. Male parent on the other end complaining of the same predicament so took off to catch up for a coffee.
Headed north next to meet mother, sister and her appendages for more coffee and that was it. Rest of the afternoon just hung out, did nothing and relaxed. Is this how normal people live their lives? There are two things I really hate and both of them are rugby I'll never admit it publically but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever had to sit through [close to it though]. Thankfully arrived late enough to suffer only about half the match and that was it.
Managed to get myself mildly drunk in that time too so the idea to punish some delicious Italian oily food afterward was one of the best I'd ever heard and the catalyst for a deep sleep not long after. Another slow start began Sunday. Only plan for the day was to meet a friend for dim sum. Despite confirming time and venue 3 times the day before he, was a no show. The least surprised I've ever been by the most unreliable person I've ever known, we enjoyed a quick meal and retreated home.
Spent the next few hours cleaning the house from top to bottom. Impressive how much mess two people can create but once that was done it was back to doing sweet fuck all in the form of a Star Trek Voyager marathon. Perfect Sunday was perfect. Entertainment - Taste Good?
Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine". The second friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine". The third friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!
The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed". She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide". The child thought for a moment and said "So why is the groom wearing black? Tear gas, water hoses, beanbags and rubber bullets, nothing was working. Finally desperate police had to fly helicopters over and dump boxes of job applications into the raging mobs. Crowds were dispersed in less than two minutes. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
He told me where the closet restroom was located, followed me and wrote my ticket in the parking lot as I ran inside to use the bathroom". Later the driver complained that I made him late and the guy died without them, however after the ticket he went directly into the nearby McDonalds. When she returned out to her car, the cop saw she was pregnant. He offered to escort her to the hospital but the woman admitted she just used her pregnancy as an excuse.
He asked to get out of the car to speak with me. After patting him down he walked to the rear of my car. He then asked if I would hurry up and write his ticket, he really needed to get home.
After this request I asked him the emergency. He said I might not understand. I said just tell me what's the problem. He point toward his car and the young woman in it. He said they had been dating several months and she was finally "giving it up" and he wanted to get home before she changed her mind. Thomas glanced in at the wife who wore a smirk on her face. Thomas offered to escort the couple to the hospital. While en route, he watched the couple arguing.
He followed them into the emergency room where they continued arguing. Just as she acted like she was going to check in, the wife stopped and said "I'm not doing this anymore.
You need to take what's coming to you". Asked him why he was going so fast. He replied "I was trying to go back in time" as he looked at me and grinned. So she would put a box of tampons visible in the backseat. Whenever she was stopped for speeding, she would act jumpy, exasperated and irate. When questioned as to why she was driving so fast she would point to the box of tampons in the backseat. No male officer ever ticketed her!
I asked what is all this stuff. She said "I'm a Wicka". I said "A what? I said "Oh yeah". Then she asks "Are you giving me a ticket?
She said "I'll put a spell on you. I told her "Too late. My ex-wife beat you to it". When he told me how fast I was going I told him I had been talking to myself.
I said I was mad at my husband and was practicing what I was going to say to him. I guess the madder I got the faster I got. He closed his ticket book and said "I'll let you finish your conversation, just keep it under the speed limit". My buddy, who is police officer, is gonna kill me! Who is your buddy? Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him!
You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? Just waiting for my thanks. Can you read, ma'am? Can you read my name tag out loud? Ma'am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks.
He let her go. The judge understood because he knew changing out the size of a tire can throw off the speedometer.
Stopped her and she very matter of fact told me "Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I'm going!!
I asked what the emergency was and the driver responds that he was trying to get a fly out of the van and he figured that if he opened the windows and sped that it would work. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer. When I told him I checked him at , he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85mph.
Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was "My speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor". The male said his wife the passenger was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine even though he knew the truth and followed them to the hospital to make sure everything went alright.
When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didn't write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough. Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn.
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed as it does and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again". Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner! That was the old me! A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want? I'll give him the three things I would want A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. He adds "By the way, it's good to see you're all right".
I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation? And tell me, how's yer sex life? How many times a week? Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers "Once, sometimes twice a week". My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode".
But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:.
Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. There's not much that can be said about this weeks Reader Mail that this weeks Reader Mail can't say for itself - it's fantastic, witty, it will make you laugh and cry, it'll shock and excite you but most of all it will never turn its back on you If you would like to contribute think you can beat the contributions below then we're always on the look out for ex or current girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, retarded shit, funny 'haha' jokes, racist jibes, fucked up videos and random pics.
Simply click here and send it over my way! Shooting After reading about Chris Lane this morning, and not quite knowing why, I feel compelled to write. I have enjoyed your site off and on for years and it has become a, perhaps odd, connection to Australia aside from mass media. Although I am nobody but a middle aged citizen of the U. It is a sorry state of affairs that someone is killed because of "boredom.
Sorry that an Aussie got caught up in America's seemingly ongoing lack of respect for Human life. In the 's a pair of Univ. Same thing happened here again in the Chicago area where some teens just killed someone this summer and continued to play their video game.
The most aggressive I got was a magnifying lens and an ant. That was when I was like 10 or something. What is it with youth? Obviously that gun was illegally obtained.
And that's what the story has been in Australia with the media using it as an oppurtunity to say "Look how shitty America is" with their stupid gun laws. The senseless death isn't about guns or boredom. Its about cold-blooded human waste. Emailing Asshole cripple can't park. Lambo owners are allowed to drive and park however they like whether or not it conforms to any rules or laws.
Parking Inspectors are people too. Norfolk Street in Freo. Good luck to them getting it off, looked super glued on ha ha. The most hated people cunts in any society. Jetski croc spotting tours Photo taken in Cairns last week - stuff that! Canberra man lodges fork in penis Hi Orsm. I thought that this 70 year old idiot needed further exposure on your brilliant site. What the hell was he thinking. Hide my Details Thanks. Cannot make sense of this.
Nor this story either. Both these stories leave me wondering WTF has to happen to someone where such bizarre sexual behaviour is okay? Car Wreck Smiley Face I had a friend upload some pics of her son's car wreck, and I couldn't but find something funny about it.
Towel Head Just one more example of "beach camoflage". If there is such a thing as a good towel head, this is it. Just a few of the gems from my travels in Taiwan Enjoy, please hide my email address. Emailing Duct tape is awesome. Tattooing sentences xxx Tattooing sentences is a very personal thing. It's usually to have that message to help you, cheer you, give you strength, guide you You or, in this case, the person who reads it.
Hope you enjoy, Such beautiful pictures, get ready to be awed. Brush your teeth bitch Thought this is worthy. A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!
My wife's dinner party!! He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy.
The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls. While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry". Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".
A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said "Jesus knows you're here".
He nearly jumped out of his skin. He quickly turned his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued with the robbery.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you". Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot. Who in the world are you? In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response. I'm taking next week off but don't fret - there'll still be an update because you cunt's are orright eh! Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember there are no stupid question [only stupid people]. Disgusting is the only way to describe this part, my favourite part, of winter.
It's wet and windy without being ridiculously cold. It's possible to wear t-shirts again. Quite the turnaround from only a few weeks back when 5 layers weren't enough. Not that it gets that bad here Before we know it though summer'll be here and beach days along with it.
At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm sure the next 4 months will just fly along I had my doubts it would ever happen but Rolled by Monday morning to find about 15 guys onsite. Electricians, plumbers, grano workers, an excavator , harmoniously digging trenches and laying pipes. Headed back a few hours later to watch the concrete footings pour.
An exciting moment after spending so long talking about the fucking thing. The slabs go down next week so long as the rain doesn't have other ideas the bricklayers can apparently make a start. Same with width - far narrower than my little brain envisaged. Very concerned right now we're those people who weren't smart enough to realise they were building a monstrosity that they'll never be able to sell.
Remember last week I blogged about ditching my bank after continual shitty service? Well that escalated the next day. After speaking to a few mortgage brokers all agreed we should stay at that bank but not branch There's a bunch of reasons why I didn't want to do that; all too boring to bother covering here except to say its taken considerable effort getting this far. Things became somewhat stressful around then. We have a build underway and no way to pay for it.
For a while there it seemed like I fucked up and would have to go crawling back hat in hand. Then the branch manager called. I let it ring out. Then it was the weekend. By the time Monday rolled around and I took his call Have to hand it to the guy - went the extra mile to resolve everything.
My "We won't deal with that other guy " was met with "I've taken over your file now". Just have to sign some papers and our deal with the devil is official. Okay onto weekendly activities. The next few paragraphs are boring drivel from some guy you don't know or care about waffling about his boring life].
Beginning with Saturday and yet another round of going store to store to store looking at shit I wish someone else could take care of but alas we need to have an answer for "What light fittings do you want? After a few fruitless hours we ended up at Ikea. Wandered aimlessly for a while, collected catalogues, got some good idea and devoured some delicious [horse? Kind of a wasted opportunity to do absolutely anything that didn't involve a computer but as that's what's coming up in the next few weeks it was an unfortunate necessity.
Social splooge Sunday commenced with an overdue grandma visit. Try and see the old duck every couple of weeks but that usually blows out to 3 or 4. From there we headed into the city to meet friends and punish some dim sum. Meet time an hour later than we'd normally go because one of the invitees was with child, child has a sleeping routine etc. It's something those without kids get regularly from those with.
What I don't remember is that ever happening when I was a young'un - if parents had to go out we were bundled in the car and taken along, sleeping or not. Too bad if you didn't like it Some smooth talking along the lines of "Dude I think I left something in your car" got me a drive of a brand new F-Type Jaguar. Don't really rate Jag's Those things are a fucking weapon. If you can't afford one then suck up to a mate who can OR head down to a dealership and pretend you're looking to buy.
Hung out for a couple of hours catching up and watching the football. As we stood on the footpath saying goodbyes I said something about it being a nice day for a beer. Surprisingly everyone found the idea agreeable and pretty soon we were sitting at a pub having a drink.
By the time we got there was a large amount of not unreasonable guilt floating around after having spent the entire day sitting, eating and drinking. Just about the perfect way to round out the weekend. Let's get on with the next update. Shall I stop being lame and get on with it? Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black.
If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?
He gets into a taxi and the driver says "How are you on this lovely day? The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says "Congratulations, I'm Mitch When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her 'private parts'. After a couple of minutes he asked "How does that feel? Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected But it's still on my list.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. To steal from many is research. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Now I'm not so sure. Then it hit me. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Others, whenever they go. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Then it dawned on him. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. You may die of a misprint. Turns out I just wanted pay checks. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. How he got in my pyjamas I'll never know. And at least ten at night. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. It pays no attention to criticism. I've seen too many of them get elected. I hope you can forgive me.
Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off! A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Pearson International in Toronto. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the fuck do you want?
Well let's not dweel on it. It's time for dinner so I'm out of here for another week. You probably still have some quetions so please read the following and save yourself the embarrassment of asking them Every Orsm single update since Jesus was a kid conveniently stored in one place for eeasy access.
Want to fight me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here! As promised, here goes part two of my recent holiday adventures.
It may actually turn into a three-parter because apparently I have a lot to say but let's see how we go. I'll start by saying that HK is an incredible city and everyone should go there. It's also the world's most vertical city - coming from little old Perth where everything is spread out and low density, it was kind of awesome seeing the endless high-rises everywhere you looked but I suppose how else are you going to house 7 million people in such a small area?
Not sure how I'd handle living there Anyway let's rip through it in point style shall we? Makes you a little bit sick when you see just how many high end cars cruise around - everything from Porsche to Lambo to Ferrari to Maybach to Rolls to Bentley. Even more disturbing is when you see those cars fully pimped with aftermarket gear. The display of wealth is staggering and obviously most HK'ers can't afford such fancy toys which is okay because public transport is one of the best things about the place.
Firstly, the subway is unbelievably efficient. Never waited more than 2 minutes for a train any time of the day or night. Secondly, thousands of double deckers buses scream along city streets Thirdly, there may well be more cabs than people.
Oh and they are cheap but unfortunately not always tourist friendly. We had a few drive off when they couldn't understand English well enough [or is that, we couldn't speak Chinese well enough? The only problem we had was going into some restaurants that didn't necessarily cater to [stupid] westerners. Obviously they were good because of the lines to get in but quite often you're handed a menu written in Cantonese [I think?
Meant to speed up the process so they can turn tables over faster but half the time you end up pointing to what other people have on their tables or if you are really lucky, you'll snag someone who speaks English and is happy to help pick shit that isn't feet or offal.
Also a lot of the time they'll ask you to table share, something that never happens at home. If you like McDonald's then all good. They are fucking everywhere Same deal with Starbucks. A huge highlight however is the street food which is cheap and tastes amazing. Most memorable though was a buffet we hit one night. The food was great but truly hilarious watching this small Chinese woman eat her body weight.
She crammed it down her gob non-stop for over an hour, barely stopping to breathe and using a little helper to keep plates piled high so she wouldn't have to stop or move.
There's definitely some who are rude and others who clearly couldn't be bothered with whities but you never feel unsafe or threatened. One of the oddest things I noticed was glasses. So-so-so many Chinese walk around with glasses that have no lenses. Also odd was for how many sunglass shops there are I don't think I saw a single person wearing them.
We'd often see old people rifling through bins [of which there aren't enough] collecting recyclables. Figured out later they take it to these small buildings located around the place for collection and assumingly a bit of cash.
People in general can be pretty fucking disgusting though. Was shocked [several times] to see the oldest granny hock up phlegm and spit it out. Also, cunts don't bother covering mouths when coughing or sneezing. Very likely explains why I came home with a chest infection. Another thing I never got used to was anything toilet related - pray that when you need to shit it's near your hotel otherwise it will likely be into a squat and they are ALL the vile looking contraptions.
Luckily its easier if you have kids and they need to pee Do not give one single fuck about the hundreds of people walking by. One night we jumped on the subway trying to get to Wan Chai and ended up miles from where we wanted.
Because on the same line is another stop called Chai Wan. I eventually got my black belt in haggling and the numerous markets are the best place to practice. They quote a price, you counter offer a lot less, they look sad and ask for more, you say "I don't really need it so I don't care" then start to walk off and hey presto you get the price you wanted [usually]. Walking through these places you are occasionally whispered to by dodgy non- Chinese people asking "You want copy bag?
We were quickly ushered up the street, down a back alley, handed over to another guy, into a building, up a tiny elevator and into a fortified apartment. Here you're shown catalogues of the copies and they have crap loads. When you see something you like a boy runs off to get it and comes back minutes later.
The whole thing is very clandestine although personal safety concerns quickly subside when you realise how it works. Copies are illegal and these guys risk huge fines, jail time and of course everything will be confiscated. Most interesting was how they get stuff into HK All the bags and watches and whatever are then distributed to their network around the city and sold to people like us.
Okay time to start winding this blog bit up. I fucking loved everything about HK. The best shit is found in the darkest corners, seediest backstreets or down the most ominous looking escalators. It's impossible to get bored and there's its busy everywhere all the time but after close to 2 weeks there I was glad to be coming home. So now that you're all clear on that let us get on with an unforgettable update.
As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out". By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view". It said 'Don't stand up in the car'. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this household instead of two". Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said "I'm glad that you feel this way about it! Tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us". The doctor gave her a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong and then told her "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you".
My husband refuses to sleep alone". Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you? Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington. Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of , outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world" Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be.
Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting. Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie-Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of , adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie , it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its lustre.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of , mandating all thermostats which were monitored and controlled by the electric company be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
I'm sorry for your loss". Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of outlawed the use of the combustion engines for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his haemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added 'inconvenience' was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists".
Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via the Anti-Profiling Act of That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny" even when probable cause was involved.
Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots etc had become almost routine. The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.
We should learn from their example" she added. Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner.
Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50, texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.
His year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner" but Jason had developed a kind of Nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of , which outlawed smoking anywhere within feet of another human being. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth". Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realised his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realised their full potential.
Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realised how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them. He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around , when all the real nonsense began. A young bloke from outback Australia goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has foolishly squandered all of his money.
They actually have a program here in that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk". About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read". How do we get Ol' Blue in that program? I'll get him in the class". The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something! Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the newspaper.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked "So, is dad still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub? A husband was watching TV while his wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife "What's for supper? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out here working! I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what - imagine I'm out of town then go inside and figure out dinner for yourself.
The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of cold beer. The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up. So where is mine? I thought you were out of town". An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Following procedure, he asks the biker his name. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. The biker replies "It's a long story, so bear with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, med school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school". Shit would just have gotten out of hand otherwise so what you guys are about to feast your eyes upon is hours upon hours of hard work sorting through and compiling something worthy of the attention usually reserved for big tits If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity.
On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen. Fellow Phuket traveller Hi mate, Saw your blog post and thought I'd share a few thoughts since I also just returned from Phuket. I was there with a group of five guys all in their twenties and unlike you, as a single bloke I was more able to take advantage of some of the local, ahem, attractions Porn job I want porn job.
Grossing people out with shitting pics In the story, grandma says, "Man had not invented: Even if we went with the availability of residential air conditioning, she would be at least 85 years old since those became available in the s.
Of course, we could go back to ancient Rome where they would circulate water from aqueducts through the walls of buildings to cool the inside of the building, but that would make her considerably and unreasonably older.
Emailing A picture of myself for the fans of your site.. One thousand Orsm's to you also. Any other girls out there wishing to expose yourself in any way whatsoever - just fucking email me. Careful on the roads Its legit!! South Rd, Edwardstown, South Australia. Rear-facing speed cameras are now here! By the time you see this one you are already pinged It won't teach anyone a lesson other than to hate us and, sure, going just a few kms over probably won't kill anyone, but that's the law so fuck them!
Emailing Hey Mate, not sure if you have seen this yet? Bill board in NZ. It has been well documented that they are a bunch of scammers who prey on soft targets. What is your first impression of what the girl on the left is doing?
My first thought was 'friend putting on lipstick'. Wasn't until I really looked at it I got the 'other' meaning. Sadly, the Melbourne Cup has less to do with horse racing than it does getting drunk and acting like a slut or yobbo.
Also I was surprised her shoes were still on at that time of day. Have plants for sale Guess what this is Oh no it's not. It's not I tell you! It's a Vietnamese gourd or pumpkin.
Oh yes it is! My bird again after a few years break!!! Hi webmaster, Shove this one on yer site it'll make her wet!!! Here's some of the better ones He called the Talk-Line for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded "I don't know, it's still running around outside".
A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey. Although the Talk-Line staffer recommended the open roasting pan method to cook most turkeys, this time she suggested that the first step was to purchase a fresher fowl!
The caller explained to Carol Miller, a plus year Talk-Line veteran, Thanksgiving with her first husband was a bust since she forgot to thaw the turkey.
She blundered Thanksgiving with her second husband when the foil pan she was using bent and slipped out of her hands leaving the feast on the floor. She was hoping the third time would be the charm so she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line to make sure she was doing everything right! After a conversation with a Talk-Line operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside down.
While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. She later learned that the only reason her mum had been doing that was because their oven had been so small that that was the only way to get the bird into the oven.
She was so proud to have thawed the turkey successfully and continued to rinse the turkey - with dish soap! The tears started flowing when the turkey wouldn't stop sudsing. She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger? She proudly shared the fact that her turkey was stored in a snow bank outside. It had snowed the night before and it then dawned on her that she didn't have a clue which snow bank her turkey was in. At that point, the conversation was really over because she was now on a mission to go find her turkey.
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. Would you like something to drink? Mum brought the iced tea. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back. You will not fucking believe what's contained within. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ummm Business in the front, party in the back. I'm devoting this and next week's blogs to recent travel adventures.
This is preferable because with some of the stuff that's going on around me currently I'd have little more than some sad and depressing shit with which to fill this section. But more about that another time. Let's start with my week in Phuket which is an island off the south west of Thailand.
Direct flight from home is about 7 hours unless you have a connecting flight in the middle Touching down and exiting the airport was about what I expected - warm and humid. From there it just got better.
Read on as I whip through the highlights or scroll down a bit to where the rest of the update starts Basically a several hundred metre long road running away from the beach full of bars, clubs, shops and restaurants.
During the day it's busy but night is when it comes to life. Tourists and locals fill the street, it's loud and shit is going on all around. All throughout the crowds are people holding signs trying to entice you into a club and see a show. They're strip clubs full of strippers who are mostly hot but every hour the main event starts - two older, uglier strippers come out and perform various unforgettable acts.
The most fucked up shit you can do with a vagina, they do. It begins timidly using the aforementioned lady bits to fire darts and pop balloons. Things progress - before you know it they're squirting out goldfish, baby turtles, flames and even razor blades. They prove the blades are real by slicing paper too.
Can't imagine what that does to a vagina. From there we wandered around before being lured into a titty bar with much cheaper drinks Some of the funniest shit I have seen - they do not hold back and are happy to be hit back. Thankfully doesn't hurt unless you're sunburnt. The ride that home that night was in a tuk tuk which is kind of like a small van that holds about people. Most of them have insanely huge stereos which they crank.
Great way to end a night. They are all Indian or from somewhere in that part of the world and stand on the footpath waiting for tourists to go by asking if they want "Suit? Engaging in any way, even saying "No thanks" only spurs them on. That said, I did get a suit made. Chose a place where no one was outside harassing and seemed like an okay dude. Getting what you want isn't hard - they have piles of catalogues from all the major designers [Armani, Versace etc] and, for a fraction of the price you'd pay at home, can tailor anything The GF spent almost forever deciding what she wanted, was very descript in material type, style, fit and it was a disaster.
They made a mess of everything except my suit which came out perfectly. Compliments to the sweat shop. Stationed out front are anything up to 8 girls screeching "Massaaaaaaaaage? If you sit and watch them for a while you quickly realise the tempo varies depending on the passer-by. Families and kids are left completely alone, couples may get a few offers however guys or groups of guys are descended upon.
Anyway, I had some time to kill, it was too early for beer and my shoulders were killing so decided to get one. Stopped at the nearest place and chose a half hour massage from the list. The warning signs were there from the first moment. Massage in a private room upstairs. Take your clothes off. Why do I need to take my clothes off for a shoulder rub?
Honestly the massage sucked - they know fuck all about soothing your aches and pains. Happy endings a different story entirely. Couldn't get out of there fast enough and stayed away after that. Tens of thousands of people flock there Saturday's and Sundays to get their hands on everything from the most weird and wonderful food imaginable to clothes to trinkets to fake mobile phones to sunglasses to whatever. If you can't find it there it probably doesn't exist. Haggling is what it's all about and is good fun if you don't take seriously.
They quote a price, you offer back one third and hopefully meet somewhere in the middle. It doesn't always work - one guy snatched his t-shirts back and screamed at us to get out. Others will chase after you when you walk away and then agree to the offer. Without a doubt the best markets I've ever been to. I didn't really give a fuck about doing an island tour but when the girls darted off to one of the many, many roadside huts selling tours, the decision was taken out of my hands.
So the next morning we were picked up by a van which whizzed by various other hotels collecting passengers and then taken to some docks. A few hundred others were gathered around before being assigned to a speedboat and ferried out to sea.
The first stop was an island an hour away. In some reality it's a beautiful tropical paradise. In this reality it's noisy and there's people and boats everywhere. You also have a strict time limit or risk being left behind. Next stop was hurling peanuts at monkeys, all a bit sad, and then Phi Phi Island to a tour company owned restaurant.
Unequivocally the worst meal we had not only in Phuket but maybe ever. Was shocked no one got sick. After leaving there it was off to another island for some snorkelling. My first time in an ocean not The Indian which was fab except the coral was all dead and there's junk scattered everywhere.
When you question the tour people about it they say the Tsunami and global warming are to blame but pretty obvious the hordes of boats and visitors each day isn't helping. I'm glad we did the islands, was a nice day out and all but wouldn't go again. I could easily babble on for a few more pages about all we got up to. Phuket is an awesome place, the people are very friendly, the shopping is great, the food is almost all good and it's much cleaner than I was expecting - especially compared to Bali.
Like any tourist geared destination you have to keep your wits because they're all looking for a way to get your money. Anyway let's get on with it. As alluded to above the last few days have been fucked, I haven't slept much and interruptions have played havoc although I'm still sure that the update you'll find below will satisfy. I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me out shagging her sister behind her back. His buddy had two black eyes, so he asked him "How did you get those two black eyes?
So, being the gentleman I am, I reached down, and pulled the dress free. She turned around, and hit me between the eyes". His friend said "You mean to tell me that woman hit you so hard it blackened both eyes?
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? I've already got a fuckin' cat!!! The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire.
Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement". After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boo's and hisses. He walked from the stage only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards.
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun? Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time.
This is my last performance". The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious! It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like? His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas.
The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end but miraculously he survived! As the guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade? At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience.
The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
Afterward, again, his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. The weeks dragged on and the conductor had all that he could take. By this point it was all too much for the conductor and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. A SWAT team was called in this time and he was dragged away. You're supposed to be DEAD! The conductor just shrugged. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power.
Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control some two kilometres away.
The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference.
One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it? He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, He comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the drover "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time".
The cattleman replies "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Tassie Tasmania , the other one's a sandgroper West Aussie. When we all left our home in Echuca' we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself". The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss". The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
Bartender says "We don't get many kangaroos in here". Kangaroo says, "At these prices no wonder! The bartender looks at him and says "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there! The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!! Again he shouts out "39!! Lastly he shouts "14!! The visitor is curious so he asks the bartender what's going on.
The bartender says "This is a small town with small impressionable children so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full".
The visitor is astounded "Let me try!! So he shouts "46!! The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied "Well, some folks can tell a joke and some folks can't". You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price". So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots.
He asks the bartender how much. It'll stay on all by itself". Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask "Where's the bathroom? One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. Do you wanna know where the bathroom is? He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any instrument in the world. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pyjamas off! Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here The bartender asks, "Whatchu' do up in Pennsylvania? The bartender asks "A taxidermist The guy says "I mount dead animals". The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! Bartender says "You guys better not start anything in here".
How 'bout a free drink? Bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar". Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say Father, what causes arthritis? The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
How long have you had arthritis? I was just reading here that the Pope does". I can't hear you. You have to speak up! Bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey buddy, your pants are down".
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger. I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!
The bartender promptly serves up a beer. Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! We don't serve your sort in here". Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.
Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars. Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself trying to disguise the very fibre of his being. As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out, "Hey! One says "I think I've lost an electron". The other says "Are you sure? As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say "Nice tie!
A few sips later the voice said "Beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over "Hey I must be losing my mind" he told the bartender. Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn? The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry".
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
The farmer screamed up at him "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter! There just isn't enough time in a month let alone a week however what you'll find here should keep you guys happy, occupied and amused. Been a while since submitted anything. Thought I'd send you a selfie the current bird I'm shagging sent me. I'm a tit man myself but this ass has near converted me. Facebook - another mother of the year contender Gday Orsm.
Trawling through the old FB and came across another mother of the year contender I'd love it if my mum had this pic of g-banger-clad arse hanging off a chair for all the world to see Cheers, keep up the great work. Ventolin funny pic for the random pics which I love For the Do-gooders Hey mate, how ya been? Wrote a little letter into The West and it got printed.
For the dumb-ass do-gooders who hide among us. Not sure if it's something for your audience well they like their drink I guess , but feel free to spread the word: Here's a pic for you. Thanks for all you do orsm. For your random shite Emailing Found this on tumblr tell me whats wrong here lol. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start".
We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
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