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I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject. It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed. I personally know people who have gotten together while one party was separated, and in one case the wife refused to sign so they had to wait for it to lapse and got married as soon as it did a few years later, and in the other instances where it worked out, there was no faffing about with the divorce, Future Faking etc.
Avoid falling into the trap of not seeing the wood for the trees: The experience over time that we spend with a person means that we get to see if actions and words match and whether what we thought or they suggested was on the cards is actually happening. That said, keep in mind the following:. And that it ended. Is this what you want to be in the middle of? Judge who they are on the merit of who they are.
You camouflaging their issues is only causing you to blend into the background of your own life. I have been dating a truly kind man for 8 months. We previously knew each other as friends in college 30 years ago and just coincidentally met up again.
He had been broken up from a 6 year relationship for a few months. She was a narcissist with capital N and he is an empathic people pleaser who truly cannot bear the thought of ill feelings with people.
Our first few months were heaven and he really appreciated my insight as i had a relationship many years ago with a narcissist type. So it is truly affecting us now as he knows he cannot go forward emotionally with me right now and he is also clinically depressed over it.
I love him so much and want to help him. He needs to process this, then stay on his own a bit to get over it. And if you find someone in the mean time, well, the timing was off.
I have enough drama in my life. Wish him well and run like hell. He did start counseling. Thanks so much for responding.
My ex was going through a clinical depression stage and I stuck by him. He eventually used me when he was down and as soon as he was better it was off to new women! I thought I was giving him all the love he needed through his recovery, but he really just needed a doormat while he planned his next sexual misadventure.
If he needs the closure, it is important for him to find it on his own. And wait until he is better. She needs to cut her losses. How many months has it been? He is still deeply involved with her as evidenced by his being so hurt over her not returning his feelings.
Where do you think you fit into that picture? And, you should not be involved in helping him break it off with her so that he can be with you. He should be a man and do it on his own. Think more highly of yourself. You deserve someone truly unattached. You are not alone. I so appreciate your help and concern. We were not lovers in college.
I felt so happy to find a genuinely kind man and when he opened up about her and his hurt I felt I did the right thing by being there for him as a partner is supposed to do. I texted this am and said I think our conversation today deserves to be in person, if you can spare time later.
Seems too congenial given last night you know? What I find so hard to believe is his degree turnaround in his treatment of me lately and knowing I have done nothing to deserve it, causes me the exact hurt he is feeling from her. How could he inflict that on me?? You MUST walk now! The first 3 months were the honeymoon period as with my ex -bf and then after that you keep trying to recapture the guy that sucked you under and he is not the same.
You deserve so much more…. I finally realized I do too! This guy has some serious baggage right now. That he knows that and wants to deal with it is to his credit. I always likened it to seeing pig fly. There are pigs out there, just flying around, and around, and around. Give him some time and space to let him work on himself. Give him the gift of sorting out his own problems on his own time.
Well we are broken up and my heart is just shredded. Could he see getting bank with me when he feels happy about himself? There was so much good that those memories are suffocating me. I told him it was suspect we break up and same time as she returns and for now seems to be cordial with him. She is a narc I know just from the detailed stories so I know SHE wants something other than wanting harmony…. He truly has never made any real references to our future ie no future faking.
So for him to say that to me want the world— and 2 weeks later we break up?? Try to establish what your own limits are. Grace-I know you are right, I need to know when to draw that line for myself. Why am I so hesitant to do that…. Stop martyring yourself for this man. Forget him and his ridiculous issues with the narc ex and go out and find a man who will actually appreciate the wonderful woman he is actually WITH. It has to be related to her— she is seeking something from him and he is prob going to go back and think she will not abuse him this time.
What gets me is I asked him straight up for the truth, just tell me!! Just really hard to feel good about myself if being a good person doesnt matter…. You have to stop being concerned with him, and be concerned with yourself. What he did was not very nice. Time to think about what he did to you. Hey Mary, just so you know, what happened has nothing to do with you. Whatever this guy is telling you, it just reeks of BS.
I understand how hurt you are and these painful situations can make you obsess on all kinds of stuff and the why, why, why? Whether he is or not, ask yourself where is his empathy for you?
I am not going to tell you what to do, but that you are in the state you are in over this guy speaks volumes. That you are here at BR is great. Start reading, you sound like you might need some boundary work. Take care of yourself first and get out of the crazymaking cycle by focusing on you. I wish you peace, you are going to be ok. Thank you Allison and Lucky Charms! I know I absolutely need to look at my own co dependency and stop fixating on him and the whys.
But I do know that. Mary You have decided that his ex is a narcissist, seemingly based purely on what he has told you.
For example; he gave her the house when he left, and got nothing. And he paid no child support, ever. See what I mean? People lie and tell half truths. You are WAY too invested in this mans previous relationship. If that was the main thing you bonded over analysing her then, by definition, once he is over her then your role in his life is finished. Hi mymble, I appreciate your experience— but I have had many interactions with a number of others via him they all know each other thru a large business enterprise and the consensus is unanimous- she is a narcissist.
What he chooses to do now is not my concern. Yeah, I was harboring the fantasy that, after a certain age, divorced men are less suspect than someone who has been eternally single.
And that was soothing, strangely. I would like to share my life with someone, though. I identify with your lack of interest in dating anyone. I feel the same way. I prefer to be on my own than to make the mistake of investing in the wrong person and wasting my time.
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Use their comprehensive search feature to browse by things like similar interests, sexual orientation, location, and newest members. Standard members can make a profile, view others in the database, save favorites, send virtual pokes, and access various poly resources — no wallet needed. Are you unsure about whether you want a divorce? Or, are you just scared to do what you know you want? Being scared is perfectly understandable. You have been married a long time. Getting divorced will turn your entire life upside down.
It will change everything. Plus, there is no guarantee about how things will turn out. But, being scared is different from not knowing what you want.
Unhappily married people do. The first step in making a change whether that would be to start working on your marriage to make it better, or to begin exploring divorce is to be honest with yourself. Do some soul searching. Ask yourself what you really want, and what you need. Then listen to the voice inside that already knows the answer. Just face the truth, whatever it is. Once you have gotten that far, you can begin to move closer toward doing what you want, and what you know is right.
If you want a divorce, start exploring your options, and learning about what you are facing. Learn how divorce works. Get a handle on your finances. Start figuring out what your future as a single person will look like. Knowledge will help you deal with your fear. Finally, be kind to yourself. The decision you are facing is not easy. Just take it one step at a time, and you will find your way. Thank you for your insight Karen….. I struggle so much with that fact that I have been in the marriage as long as I have.
And I feel guilty that stayed so long…weird right???? My husband is an addict, drugs and alcohol. We lost everything because of it. And I think he might be a narcissist. No closeness at all. I have sorta figured that this is just how my life would stay, I feel like we are room mates.
Well, I got a job a year ago and I moved out. He was shocked I wanted out. I keep wondering if I should just stay with him simply for fear of being lonely. I wonder which would be worse. I am taking things one day at a time, that is the only thing that keeps me sane….
Now, for a little more …. The fact that you got a job and moved out is an enormous step in the right direction! You are already living alone. If you get divorced, how much more alone are you going to get? In my experience, doing anything from a place of fear rarely works out well. If you want to stay married because you are too afraid of being alone, you can. But, what kind of a marriage, and what kind of a life, are you going to have?
We only get one shot at this life. How do you want to spend yours? I want a better life. Will you be lonely after you get divorced? Everyone is lonely sometimes. But, there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone.
I can tell you from years of experience, that being alone can be awesome! And, yes, if you are alone long enough, you will experience times of loneliness. But I also had times of enormous joy and fulfillment and peace. Being alone gave me the time and space to learn and grow in ways that I never would have been able to do otherwise.
Your life, and how you want to live it, is your choice. The really cool part is, if you look deep inside yourself, you will know what rings true. Thats why your article spoke to me. I recently stumbled across some really unusual text activity when paying the cell phone bill.
About , texts a month for two months. Scared of the consequences and so terrified of hurting her and what she may do. I plan on talking to her next week. Of course a part of you is waffling!
You have been married for 8 years. You also know how hard things are going to be for awhile. I wish you the best when you talk to your wife. Be as kind as you can. But, you have to stay true to yourself, too. It sounds like your wife has made some really bad decisions, and that she is an active substance abuser.
Living with her is not likely to get better unless she gets clean. Even if she does, it will be a journey of years. I know how hard this is for you. Hang in there, though. You have the strength to do what you know you need to do. Ive beeb divorced for 3 months. My husband is now living with a woman who he reconnected on facebook.. He didnt leave anything for me to maintain the outside, such a lawnmower or a snowblower for this winter.
I still love him. I regret my divorce. I am Catholic and i believe we are given our spouses from God and that binds us. Made horrible decisions in the last 3 months. Dont want to move on. The truth is that you are divorced.
I suppose you could remarry your husband. So all you can do at this point is to move on. That is why I think a therapist would be great for you.
A therapist can help you work through your feelings. Once you get a handle on your emotions, you will start making better decisions. So, truly, the key is to work on yourself, and deal with how you feel. But you have to be willing to let go and start working on healing. But, you have to decide you want to move forward. You have to do the work. A therapist will help.
Give it a try. You will feel better. Hi Karen I have grown up finding it difficult to express or know what I want. As part of this insular group we raise 3 wonderful children and I hada successful career that distracted me from the doubts.
Now with grown children and mental heathissues and 67 I am afraid to get off the fence and make a decision. Been seeing therapists for years and been hospitalized numerous times over the anxiety provoked by the fence sitting. But I can tell you that your anxiety is costing you a lot. So, the question is: And, of course, the second question is: You said that your anxiety is caused by sitting on the fence about your marriage.
The problem is that divorce can make even calm people get anxiety. And, staying in a bad marriage can do the same.
Neither one of those are easy things to do. They both involve inner work — a LOT of inner work. Finally, know that it is entirely possible for you to change the way you feel about your marriage. If you do, you could find happiness right where you are. It is equally possible for you to walk away and get a divorce. You could then find happiness in your new life.
But I do know YOU have the power to find it for yourself. I sacrificed my career for a long time for my marriage, but handled my 3 kids and managed to publish as a researcher.
Having an independent group leader job was a fading option, but at the last minute I grabbed an opportunity. It meant to move from my husband and we could see each-other only on weekends. He did not want to sacrifice his job so we stayed apart. Two kids are gone for university and the 3rd is ten and lives with me. We live like this for almost 4 years and I gradually realized that I am happy without him and in fact hate the weekends when he comes.
I am telling him this and that I never want to move back with him again but he then brakes down and cries. While my career is ok considering that I practicality raise my kid alone. We have one house for each of us, divorce seems easy. Except that if I just mention it he brakes down and loudly cries in the night to wake me up.
My friend tells me that he might turn violent if I left him for good. The other 2 children are financially depending on us, divorce might mean that they cannot finish their studies, but no other adverse consequence would be expected.
Some evenings I just need a drink and I am ready to cry at any moment yet I am holding it back and concentrate on work. You are in a tough spot. Getting a divorce will probably also cause you to have many more sleepless nights, even if your husband stops crying all night. On the other hand, staying married out of guilt and obligation is not the recipe for a happy life.
You are holding in your emotions and turning to drink as a way to cope. You seem like a strong person, but you are not a machine. If you continue to live the way you are, you are either going to develop a serious drinking problem, get sick, or explode. One way or another, your subconscious which is telling you that you are miserably unhappy is going to make sure you listen. It sounds like you need to think about what you want in your life, what is most important to you, and what you are willing to do to get it.
I also challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions. If not, why are you staying? If it is for work, are you willing to sacrifice your personal happiness for the sake of your research? If it is for your kids, are you willing to put aside your personal happiness so that they can finish school? What if doing that means you stay in a miserable marriage for another 10 — 12 years the time when your youngest graduates from college? What if your husband does fall apart if you get divorced?
Can you live with yourself if that happens? These are the kinds of questions that you need to answer for yourself. If you need help figuring out your answers, you might want to find a good therapist or a coach who can help you. Having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Only you know what is right for you.
But, at the moment, you are not being true to yourself. If you decide to get a divorce, will your life be easy? You have a lot to think about. Just remember, you only get one life. Thank you Karen, You are so much right!
I am strong and weak at the same time. I have to deal with so much! My daughter for example is a social person and very close to the brothers.
I am financially OK, if I took a loan it might push the boys through but we will hardly see them. I am alone for most of the week, so I cannot go out without my daughter, but at least I have my privacy. I am dealing with my husband by pretending he does not exist for most part of the week. I avoid drinking by not keeping any at home, only a certain part of the evening is dangerous.
I wrote a letter to you instead. My scientific success is important because that is the mind games that keeps my brain fit and ,not least importantly secures my financial independence. The problem is the publish or perish nature of the scientific work, I cannot get out without loosing ground. I am unhappy, you are right! I try to wait out until at least one is the boys finish. Last time I suggested one of them to try for a PHD instead of first doing an MAc, he replied that he might even go to travel for a year.
This made me burst out crying and drinking. My husband sufferrs, too. He suggested to go to counselling, but then wanted to make me promise that we pre-agree that we both say that we are here for making this work. In my eye this makes counselling together pointless. Thanks again, I think I will get to the point to get out of this situation, but it is not easy. I am in the exact same situation. Except ;I dont have kids.
How did your situation turn out? I remember when my husband still had the ability to make me cry, or hurt my feelings, or make me smile. Coming up on 18 years of marriage I realized recently that I cannot remember the last time I felt any intense emotions for him at all. We are not intimate at all and have not been for more than 2 years — he expresses interest but I do not. I do not feel close or connected to him at all — I actually feel more like I have had to do most everything while he tends to his work or sits on the couch playing on his tablet.
I am starting to understand that I want out of this marriage; that I am very unhappy and tired and just absolutely spent. I work 2 jobs and go to University full-time so my time is stretched very thin.
I will admit part of the reason I keep this schedule is to avoid being home, but I also genuinely want to finish my degree and continue moving up the ladder.
I think the thing that keeps me where I am is feeling utterly and hopelessly trapped. Another major fear I have is change in general — can I afford to be on my own? What if I end up alone for the rest of my life? Too much fear and uncertainty. Logically I know that divorce is difficult and that people will get hurt — so how does one overcome that and take the leap into an empty void?
I can hear how you are torn between wanting to leave, and being afraid to leave. I can understand your hesitancy. If you leave, everything will change. That change may or may not work out the way you want.
So, it seems to me that your choice is not between happiness and uncertainty. It is between unhappiness and uncertainty. Of course, if you and your husband could repair your relationship you could be happy, too.
If you have gotten past the point of no return in your marriage, then your only choices are to stay married and miserable, or get divorced and maybe be miserable, or maybe start to actually be happy. You also asked how you would know if you could afford to be on your own. That is actually a little easier to figure out. Compare your income with your expenses and see whether you will be able to make ends meet on your own. You may have to cut your expenses, or get a second job to be able to support yourself.
Or, maybe you will be fine. But actually making a budget will show you your financial picture pretty quickly. It is yours alone to make. I can tell you that not making a decision IS a decision. Your life will pass you by as you anguish over what you should do. If you want to take control of your life and have any chance of making it better, you will need to decide, one way or another, what you want, and then take action to make your decision a reality. I am so happy I moved out and I have been able to make it work financially.
There are times when I wonder if I want to possibly be alone for the rest of my life but then I am reminded this is better then being with him. So I need to consider my options…. Sell it and split it? I also feel so stuck and i have no idea how exactly to explain my situation.
Fact is I do love her but sometimes I wonder if it is more of a best friend or family type of love. I feel very unattracted to her and maybe that is a big part of why i started losing my connection with her in the first place. Understand also that i have tried,,, i have put much effort into being more sexually attracted to her but she just never is what i need.
I also Have tried rebuilding the connection but i do not feel the same with her as i used to. I have never known another adult life and maybe that is why i am so afraid of the idea of being away from her. Whatever the reason is, simply put I feel unhappy. I can hear how unhappy you feel. What about individual therapy for yourself? What about sex therapy?
If you try to push down your feelings one of two things will happen: Or, you will crush your own spirit and end up trying to bury your emotions in some unhealthy way, perhaps through alcohol, or food, or whatever your vice of choice may be. As scary as it is, if you want to be happy, you have to DO something.
Maybe that means getting a divorce. Maybe it means working more on your marriage, or on yourself. What you do is your decision. You will just get more unhappy and more frustrated. If you truly love your wife, you owe it to her to be honest with her. You owe it to yourself to face your fears and deal with them. Once everything is in the open, maybe the two of you will be able to work together to create the marriage that both of you want.
But, one thing is certain. Doing nothing means nothing will change. The content of television, movies, books has always been the main point of contention leading to name calling and threats of divorce. Is that a valid statement? Maybe I am just a non-discerning jerk. Do other people get divorced over issues like this? People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. It seems to me that getting divorced because your spouse thinks you are scum and treats you like scum is a pretty decent reason to end your marriage!
You said you were afraid to get divorced. The prospect of spending the rest of your life alone is scary. But, personally, I think that giving up any chance at happiness and allowing yourself to spend the rest of your life in a marriage with someone who thinks you are a jerk is scary too. Will you find out now that you are a horrible human being and that no one else will ever want to marry you?
I am 37 and have been married for 16 years, been together for 19 years. We have 3 beautiful daughters. He has been the bread earner as we decided it was better if I stayed home with the girls. I have always felt guilty that he was the obly one working so I always did what i could do to help, shop at the cheapest shops, not ask for much, be supporting the best I could…tried to be the wife that I thought he wanted and in the end I would get the love and respect from him that I desperatelly wanted.
Saddly instead we never celebrated anything ie, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Every wedding we went to he would go off sociolising, dancing with other single ladies, etc, while I looked after our children and kept his close fam company. Every time we visited mine or his family he would just get lost catching to to everyone not knowing we existed, again.
I hardly ever got any presents or any kind of spoiling. He worked abroad while again I took our kids to school, tended to their needs, if they were poorly I did it all myself, never bothered him with anything as I wanted him to have the energy to work. I have spoken to him, explained how I felt and asked what we could do about it all on many occations yet nothing ever changes.
The more I mention anything he goes in the exact opposite direction. He will go away with work people and do all sorts of activities yet when I mention that I want to do something he says I have already done that its not much fun so…. We do nothing together any more. Bisiness is now really bad so financial troubles are not helping. Now that kids are bigger, 13, 10, and 5….
I have started working too…. Saddly there are many many more problems than just that…. I have been unhappy for…. It just makes me so sad…. Not to mention the bigger thibgs. I always make an effort for his bday, to make him feel loved and special, but all I get is…. Someone you have given ur life to….
Every night am sat alone with a glass of wine glass of wine not every night as he cant help falling asleep…. He is home all day…. I give up everything to be there for my fam…. Every comment I have made about him making me unhappy is somehow my fault in his eyes. And he makes me feel that way too. How on earth is that my fault? I gave birth to 3 children and make sure I look as beautiful as can be every day. People tell me I look like JLo, not that it matters but to give you an idea of how much I do take care of how I look.
I get approached on a daily basis with compliments from men and men who ask for my number so we can sometimes hook up. I never have ofcourse. I cook, I clean, I look after our babies, i serve him his meal every time he comes home and I clean up after him, I take our kids to bed which is something he seriously never does!
Now am brocken, am used up, and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, cry, cry….. I then take it out on the kids, and I hate myself for that. I have gotten better at it and try to protect my girls as much as I can.
Its all just sooooo exausting…. Therapy and lawyers are expensive…. My heart goes out to you. I can tell how much pain you are in and how tired you are. Lets start with the obvious. You are not happy! Nothing has changed and nothing has gotten better. Unless YOU change, nothing else will change either. Believe it or not, you have the power to reclaim your life and be happy again.
You hold that power in your own hands. But you have to have the courage to use it. Trust me when I tell you that the answer to both of those questions amounts to way more than all the therapy and lawyer bills in the world. Years of neglect and poor treatment have made you question your own worth. You feel like you could never do that! Your girls will always come first! There is a reason why the flight attendants tell parents to put their own oxygen masks on first, then put the masks on their kids.
Find something you love to do and do it just for you. Get yourself into therapy! Find a good therapist and GO! Check with your insurance company. Some of the cost may be covered under your health insurance plan. It will be well worth it. Find a support group, or friends you can go out with and have fun.
Yes, I said have fun! Do whatever you need to do to start feeling good yourself. Stop waiting for your husband to treat you well. So treat yourself well. The bottom line is that, if you want to be happy, YOU have to change. It will give you a good start. Hello I need some help. My husband abuses me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we fight and he is cheating on me.
A lot of lawyers will give you a free consultation. I would start with that. Make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer in your area, preferably one who has experience in military divorce. You can also try consulting with your local legal aid office. Another idea is to see if there are any law schools in your area. Sometimes law schools have legal clinics that are staffed with students, and supervised by practicing attorneys.
If you can find a local law school with a program like that, they may be able to take your case too. One last idea is to call domestic violence organizations. If your husband has not hurt you physically, they may not be able to help you.
But, they may have a referral list of attorneys who they work with who might be willing to help you anyway.
Lots of lawyers give free consultations. If you could find a local lawyer who will give you an initial consultation for free, that would be a good place to start. At least you would have educated yourself a bit about what your options are.
Plus, you may be surprised. You should also check out your local Legal Aid offices. They usually have tight budgets, but they help as many people as they can. Sometimes law schools run pro bono for free legal clinics and they may be willing to take your case, too. Thank you so much for this excellent article. I feel so lost. Superficially we have a great relationship. We do lots of things together and we are an excellent parenting team he is really such wonderful father.
We have common interests and we respect and support each other. But the truth is that I do not love him. In fact half the time he really irritates me. I feel like we just see the world differently and we do not know how to have fun together any more. I would be really happy if I never needed to have sex with him again.
He has strong sexual appetites but I could pretty much do without, I sleep with him about once a month but for him not for me. Also I do not feel stimulated by his conversation what little of it there is. When we go away just the 4 of us the days drag a little. I feel like there is a thick skin between us that we cannot penetrate.
However he does tend to show love by being very helpful and practical like looking after my car, buying me flowers, picking me up from the train station if I need him to. Until very recently I thought I was happy. Now I am torn. I think that is probably a pretty awful thing to do to someone, I feel terribly guilty. Either way I guess there is pain. I can feel how torn you are. But, on the inside …. The first question I have for you is whether you have shared your feelings with your husband?
There may be things that you can work on in your relationship together that will bring you closer together as a couple. Of course, in order for you to create the connection you desire, you are going to both have to work at it.
The real question is: Those questions are deceptively simple. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to start your wheels turning. There are only right answers are the ones that are authentic for you. Can you ever be deeply in love with your husband? What if he changed? What if you changed? Can you change the way you view him, yourself, and your relationship, enough to create with him the kind of connection you truly desire? Will you regret it if you did? If you never leave, and you never find true happiness, will you regret that when you die?
What if you do leave and you still never find the kind of love and connection you are looking for? Will you regret leaving? While you are going back and forth over all of these questions and more , you will likely be extremely uncomfortable.
You may even be in true agony, because you are not asking easy questions. But nothing is for free. If you put in the time, and the soul searching, eventually you will come up with the answer you are looking for. You will know the answer in your head, and feel it in your heart. But getting to your answer wil probably require you to go through a lot of angst. There is nothing wrong with that. But that means that you may end up living a life of quiet desperation — never being truly happy or realizing your dreams, but never be entirely unhappy either.
PS If you want to know more questions to ask to figure out whether, and when, you should divorce, you might want to check out: When is it Time to Divorce? Thank you so much Karen, I am going to read and re-read your answer. Everything you said rings true.
I have so much to think about. I think I need to take my time to do it! I also feel like he drains the pleasure out of our shared experiences.
We had a day in the sunshine at an idyllic park last weekend and he was so absent he hardly added anything to the day, I felt like i could almost have been on my own although admittedly 2 boys under 4 would have been harder. Anyhow, I have 2 questions. Can you recommend who I should talk to? Still even spend time together as a family. I have this gut feeling that he has emotionally checked out of this marriage too.
And when I tell him how I feel he might totally understand, even feel relief! I also imagine in these fantasies us making this really smooth for the boys, and having a custody arrangement that works seamlessly. OK so just writing this makes me feel naive. Can you let me know if couples from non conflict marriages where the love has just gone ever achieve this kind of divorce?
Sometimes it takes me a bit to respond to all of the questions I get. I answered this in your second comment. However 2 questions — where can I get informed about everything I might need to know before I talk to him?
Question 2 — is a really nice divorce possible! Have you ever seen this happen? How do you find out everything you need to know before you talk to your husband? I have created an online divorce program that is designed to answer exactly that question for a price that is much more affordable than what you would pay a lawyer. Here is the link if you want to check it out. I want to be honest with you, though. If you want to give it a try, by all means, sign up.
It comes with a money back guarantee. That means you are going to have to pay a lawyer in the UK it would be a solicitor to sit down and educate you about what you need to do to prepare for your divorce, and what you can expect to get. You also might want to get some guidance from a local divorce coach. They can provide you with a wealth of information at a fraction of the cost.
As for question 2, yes! Whether you can pull it off also depends on you and your spouse. Some are able to achieve that right away. But, most go through an ugly time. They try to be amicable, but their emotions are just too raw. They are in too much pain to be friends. Eventually, they can grow to be friends again. But if often takes time. I have worked with many people who have gone through their divorce and remained civil with each other.
Later, they were even friends again. But, it usually took some time. But, know, though, that it can be done. Give yourself and each other a break. Article is the only one I have found new to this that addresses this situation. I like that you use Socratic method and have refrained from giving advice. I am well within my rights according to God. I tried to leave years ago— moved to another state for a year. He sold MY paid for vehicle, against my desire.
He bought us a new truck because I needed something more dependable. He finally admitted he was wrong the other day, but says all he can do is apologize.
And pray that that time is not in my near future. But what if it was amazingly better? I have been with my wife for 28years 3dating and 25married. I recently had an emotional affair that turned physical and have leftmy wife and in middle of a separation. When asked why I did it, my answer was that I was controlled and the relationship lacked any real intimacy. The response to that was that I let myself be controlled and that she becam emotionally detached.
A love that I really want to explore. I am so scared of moving forward, feel guilt for not going the counselling route even though she was well aware of the coercive control techniques threats etc. Kids have alienated me and refuse to communicate with me to be fair they never saw us really arguing as I would usually concede before it got to that point, so this has really blindsided them. My children were really not afforded the opportunities to develop close relationships with my side and have alienated them as well.
Have visited with psychologist and therapist but it has s still hard. What I have learned through this is that when you constantly put others first you teach them that you always come second and if you do something that contradicts this the guilt and fear is overwhelming!! Moving forward with a divorce after such a long term marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances.
Hopefully, your children will come around. Keep the door open to a relationship with them. Make sure they know that, even if they choose not to communicate with you, you are always open to communicating with them. In time, they may start to understand your position better. It will take time. I wish I could say something to you that would make this difficult time easier. Unfortunately, nothing I can say will change what you are going through. Only you can decide what is right for you.
You are stronger than you think. Keep talking to your psychologist and therapist so that you can work through your emotions. Make sure you get the support you need right now. That will help a lot. We all change in one way or another as we get older.
Anyway thank you for your article and for taking the time to read my comment. If your husband could see the effect that his jealousy is having on you, perhaps he would change. Of course, that having been said, the only person who can change your husband is your husband. So, he will only change if he sees the need to do so. I was so clear in what I said. This is exactly my problem. I changed my religious beliefs after we got married, which was devastating in and of itself, but the problem is now we disagree on how to raise future children.
He is also very fundamental in his beliefs and his employment is related to his religion. I am in school and have no income for another year yet. I love him to death. We are compatible in so many ways. Let me start by saying that, you are right. I can hear how much you want children. Do you think your kids will have a peaceful, happy childhood with parents who are so at odds with each other?
Getting divorced is traumatic for everyone — but especially for kids. If you are going to get divorced and it sounds like that is the road you are headed down why bring kids into your life? It will also tie you to your husband, and his religious beliefs, forever. I can hear you want kids. I hope that someday you have them. But, having them right now may not be your best choice. It may satisfy you, but it will create a life of drama for your kids.
I can hear how much you love your husband. But, the issues you are facing have nothing to do with whether you love him. They have to do with whether you can live with him, and whether you can raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children with him. It means finding a way to truly be okay with your different beliefs, and your different parenting styles.
Thanks for this article. I have been with my husband for ten years and married for five. We met when I was We have one young child. I have been going back and forth on the decision to divorce for ten months. I thought it about it since the day after our wedding, but I first brought up the idea to my husband ten months ago. We have slept in separate bedrooms since then and barely spoken about non-childcare related topics since. I cannot seem to bring myself to file even though everyone in my life from my therapist, to family and friends think it would be the right choice.
Basically, I will be very much screwed financially if I move forward and I think that plays a huge part. I have a ton of debt from when we were much poorer and I was unemployed. I still care about my husband. I feel so guilty and broken. I recently became suicidal over the guilt and started taking antidepressants under his urging. It was wrong, but over the past eight months, I developed feelings for a female co-worker.
We were just friends for two years, but over the past eight months it became more and she shared my feelings. This probably did not help fix anything with my husband, but for the first time in my life I loved the person back that loved me. This affair has since ended and my husband did not know about it. He hates this friend. The end of the affair was crushing and devastating.
I think the end of the affair has made me doubt the divorce even more, and I think my lawyer and people in my support system are getting tired of the back and forth. Like the boy that cried wolf. How do I move forward? I can hear how much you are struggling right now, and I want you to know that you are not alone.
So many people are caught between staying in a marriage they know deep down is wrong for them, and getting a divorce, which will also cause more heartbreak and hurt. You asked how you move forward. You do it by deciding who you are and what you want. You say that you are staying in the marriage for selfish reasons — to be supported and to see your child every day.
Are you the kind of person who would stay in a relationship just for money? Is that who you WANT to be? Of course, it sounds like your husband is also piling the guilt on top of you, too. He is using guilt and fear to keep you from leaving.
But a marriage built on guilt and fear is not the kind of marriage anyone wants to be in. What you need to realize is that you can either live the way you are living now, or you can decide to change your life.
If you want to move forward, then get yourself into action. Start moving in the direction of your dreams. Talk to your lawyer about child support and spousal support. See if you have options to start living on your own sooner rather than later.
What are the problems with being Separated and Dating? In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, Since I counsel men and women before, during and after a relationship or marriage, a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine'. Coming out of a marriage and into the brave new world of . Kevin says, “I went on a couple dates shortly after I was separated, and . Because this is what you' re looking at. uninitiated) tips, which FWIW were the things the recently divorced So you haven't had to flirt with a woman in a decade, but you. “Unicorn” describes a person who joins a couple as their third with couples more easily than ever (there's even an app for seeking out a unicorn relationship, Feeld). We settled into conversation that felt natural and flirtatious, and When Sarah, 40, a unicorn I spoke with on the phone, got divorced, she.