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In Japan, it's not strange if a woman asks a man out but in America, it seems that women tend to wait for men to ask them out. Even though it had been my dream to live in America, I was very excited but nervous at the same time. I did have a Japanese boyfriend but I ended things with him to go to school in California.
Unlike Japan, California is a true melting pot of cultures but since I had so little dating experience back home, I was nervous about getting into the dating scene in America.
Mostly because I had no idea how the American dating culture worked. In this article, I want to talk about a few major differences I saw between Japanese and American dating cultures. One thing that is very different in Japan is that it is not uncommon for a woman to ask a man out. I have to confess that I had a crush on a boy in junior high and my friends forced me to do the kokuhaku ritual. In America, it really depends on the person but I have never experienced this type of initiation.
I did the online dating many years ago and a couple of men say that it was getting too expensive for them to ask women out because even if you meet them just for a coffee, it quickly adds up. Anyways, these are the things that I have learned from dating men in America and these are very uniquely different experiences. Do I prefer American or Japanese dating custom?
On the other hand I like that American men are more chivalrous than Japanese men and will do things like pay for dates and hold the door open for me. What do you guys think? Has your dating experience in Japan been different than in your home country? Japan born, US educated, language teacher. More articles by Yumi Nakata. I think we know that we both have feeling for each other.
The thing is, he cannot visit to me very often, since he has to travel a lot. Should I just simply do my Kokuhaku? Women should pay too. Hold the doors open for girls? Well, I would say, do it by yourself. Modern women can only lead all modern men of all nations to a single, logical conclusion. I do admit that Japanese guys are intimidated by western girls. There is somethings I noticed that were different from the get go. Although kissing for him is more like if no one is around and people cant see us.
I wont lie it will be but it all worth it. Have a great day everyone hope this gave you something haha idk guys buy. When I lived in Japan, Japanese guys were just Sooooooo not interested in western girls at all.
They only like Japanese girls. Life was very lonely for me in Japan and my self esteem went down drastically cause Japanese men just only like Japanese girls. Maybe American men were just paying for her cause shes foriegn and they were trying to impress her? In my experience, the guys in America do ask the girls out tho and hold the door open which never happened in Japan. You immediately realized that the author has a differing opinion and you recognize it as foreign, and thus, bad?
You apparently see it as an intentional rumour started in order to bring down the image of Japanese men instead of a simple personal narative about ones individuals experiences.
Do I agree with the author on everything? On top of the nastiness that is your comment it is astonishing that you did not even read the blog that is attached to the link you sent. In fact, I found one to be quite rude and atypical.
There are no generalizations because the people quoted in this article dated different people from different countries and they all have their own personalities. So, keep that in mind! Please read If you continue to read you will also find two more stories of Japanese women, one whose boyfriend paid for everything and another one who did not. They never pay for you! Why do you keep acting like the voice of all Japanese women? Thank heavens you are not. American guys never pay for you?
You seem like you are not the most friendly of people! You guys should know. You fail to grasp that everyone experiences the country differently, and thus, on a personal level, there are going to be many different people that have many different experiences that all make up the real Japan that you are talking about.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating from a long time and i am so happy with him as he treats me like a princesses. I found him while online dating and i am really happy with him. Makes you want to shower her with time and attention ,take her places,because you KNOW that she is interested and not playing games! I agree that there are great differences between Japanese and American ways of doing things.
In each situation, there is an unspoken understanding dictating how to act and how to proceed, and the Japanese people are very compared to Americans nervous about not acting properly in the given situation. In America, the better you communicate with your partner, the better the relationship will go. Which is why I dont generally date American women.
They either want a perfect gentleman or hate them and you never know until its too late… I will say this. When I was in Japan, the Japanese males I saw treating women very well were all taken…. Konnichiwa, My name is Johnny. I gained alot of insight from your article. I cannot wait to go to Japan. I am into the building of old style, rigid, choppers. The buildings and history, I cant wait. Just began learning Japanese. Anyway, I would love to meet an amazing woman from there, I just dont plan on giving up my citizenship.
People have done worse, for love though. Your article was so awsome. I know alot more now. From my experience, American girls expected me to pay and to be asked out.
As far as marriage goes, once you get married, you never date other people. Why get married in the first place? American girls are much more forward and direct, from my experience, and more physically active in terms of being sexually forward. That being said though, America women love playing hard to get.
My ex wife is Japanese and dating her in America, after she had lived in America for a few years, was different from the normal experience.
I told her first, verbally, then she told me. She was more Westernized though, so she was more receptive to the dating culture. We were both in college, so we were both broke for the most part, haha. Japanese women that have dated other Western men tend to be more open and honest and Japanese women that have never dated a Westerner tend to be more reserved.
More reserved in general life and in the bedroom. One super confusing thing though with Japanese women, in Japan, is that they are super nice to you. Here, single and married women, will be super nice to you and have no romantic feelings behind their actions.
Every time a woman cooked for me in the USA family aside , they were always interested in me, or we were dating. I think its simply adorable that a woman would send me a message confessing her interest. I am a SoCal native and have also lived in a Japan. On the surface all Japanese girls seem to be the same—polite, a little shy, stylish, and easy to get along with. She said there are different boyfriends who fit the following categories: I never questioned other Japanese girls that I dated which category I was in, rather I just enjoyed their company and the experience.
BTW, I always paid for the dates. I have heard this as well but I really only dated one Japanese woman before, my ex wife, so I dont really know. I do like the fact that Japanese women let you know how they feel and usually dont play stupid games…. I think we are definitely more complicated underneath..
Hi Mieko, I was talking about the beginning of dating.. I used to pay most of our expenses for my boyfriend in the past and we cover equally and these days he picks up much more as things are better. But actually my experience with American guys asking me to pay at least here in Hawaii was often not too far into the relationship.
As in, we were still in the dating phase and not officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet. But also, they ended up being not good guys…. Lol so I guess that is why. From the sounds of it, Japanese people have a saner policy when it comes to financing dates. Equality is a two-way street people.
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I had the opposite experience. With American guys, if you offer they take you up on it. This can of course vary depending on the individual. I also doubt that women in Japan regularly ask guys out. Talking to my friends, the number of women who ask men out on dates is quite small.
I wonder if the author is mainly speaking if her experiences in junior high or high school, which is of course quite different from dating as an adult. Yup I am talking about dating differences among young people teenagers, 20s in the US and Japan. I am not sure why that is but American women whom I know seem to wait and throw hints but they are hesitant to ask men out.
Japanese guys may offer to pay if you are a foreign girl.. They probably offer to open the doors too.. In short, many men that I knew back in LA young men of course were jerks. Hmm, allow me to help fill in some gaps. Men were to be charming, polite, intelligent, and women under a similar code were to be polite, ladylike, and more from both sides.
However in modern American dating, it has gotten very complicated. With people being more open and gender roles blurring, people play more games rather than be honest. It has become an enigma, dating in the states. Yes Fortunately I found a really nice handsome American guy.. They think girls are expensive being a mom, I think they are too young to get serious.
Of course, in America, the dating custom here is more lax than in the Philippines where the guys do the confessing of their love.
Yes I was mainly talking about young jerks who live in Southern California. Asking out on a date is only a very small part of how it is different. How to handle Public Display of Affection is totally different. Men in both places expect it will develop into a physical relationship sooner than later. When you finally do realize you like each other in the west you hang out quite often but in Japan you might go a week without seeing each other sometimes longer. Also end game expectations are quite different.
It is very difficult for women to advance their careers especially in Japanese corporate world.. Japanese government needs to work on this issue.. I heard they were doing something. But single women who dont want to work and not raise children are pretty high too.
All this is the bigger reason for the decline in Japanese population. The culture has to change and unfortunately Japanese as a whole are horrible at fixing cultural problems because of the lack of true debate skills. Seems like I need to move to japan. Asking a girl out can be pretty risky…. Women do not approach me ever. I guess half of it is my fault for not going to them, due to the fear I mentioned above.
Sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself.. SOME women are shallow. There have always been shallow women. There are, and always have been, an equal amount of shallow men. It is easier for others. I asked out a girl a few months back but she declined. And she was worried that i was mad at her. In the past when a girl had rejected me, she had asked if I was angry at her. Lol had the same problem at home. I went from 0 real girlfriends to like 6 and finally found a wife.
She isnt even Japanese. Being a good man is not enough in America. You have to be cool and look be the right fit with charisma. I am a dreg over here. I totally sympathise with you, the intention of asking them out completely ruins the approach unless you are one of those alpha guys like you say. Asia is so much more agreeable as the women seem to be much more interested in the inner aspect of you…and not so much about how you present yourself.
I think in this globalised society we have the chance to change our environment so that we do not have to conform to unsuitable cultural rules! I know many nice American girls too. Sometimes it is a matter of preference. I think splitting the bill is gaining some traction in the US as well.
Anywho, I think I had a different experience than you dating in the US. Online dating is very very common and you can never trust men because they could be paying the bills to get what they want! You just never know. To be honest, I have never had those issues. I guess it really depends what kind of people you get involved with. But it also depends on the state, individual values.. We usually pay because we ask the woman out and do not want to be a financial burden to them while they are spending time with us….
I lived in Japan for 9 months and as an American female I was approached by a couple of Japanese men who clearly were only interested in me because I am a Westerner. I am attracted to asians and women of central america….
We have to connect in a way like any other relationship. I grew up in Germany and we have the American customs too, but that never stopped me from asking guys because at some point I got really frustrated just waiting for guys to finally have the courage to ask.
So typically I take the initiative. Girls should be allowed to open ask men out. And did he need glasses? I think in our modern culture it would be nice if a girl at least offers to pay for the whole meal. In the beginning men in the US usually offer to pay but usually women start to pay our shares.. You know what they look like and a few superficial things they like soccer, Mickey Mouse, etc but other than that, it seems to be based on appearance.
Asking someone out and spending time with them in the US is supposed to find out if you like them, not date them because you already like them.
A lot of the time love is based on appearance. So we look for people we consider attractive, and when we lay eyes on them, we want them. I think the love part is more of a lost in translation thing. As in the translation would be a love confession but thats not exactly what it means. I think both Japan and the western countries have some good and bad things when it comes to dating.
I have lived in Japan for 15 months and I discovered that the Japanese women are much more open when it comes to dating. They are not afraid to go over to you and say hi if they like you. I have also experienced some Japanese girls who was really directly and you knew from the start what they wanted.
Those experiences is very rare in the Western countries I think. In my country Denmark the girls are usually waiting for the guys to come over and say hi, plus it is also the custom that the guy pays for the date. So I think the Japanese way makes the whole dating process more equal for both parts. It seems so much easier in Japan! How lucky most Japanese guys are LOL. Here, you decide whether you want to confess first or go out with the person on dates a couple of times to see how things fare; it all depends on the particular situation.
Happy New Year Nakata-sensei! I can Identify with your feelings about the dating customs in America being a myriad of confusion! There are so many walks of life here! Many people do tend to just fill space and choose to start a relationship carelessly. Some low-lifes take hostages and wont be honest that they are not ready to be involved with someone else. I think of dating like an ice cream shop.
When we were kids our parents gave us ice cream and it was our favorite flavor because its all we knew. As we grew up and find more independence we try new flavors.
Then we see that there is not just Rocky Road or Vanilla, there is also butterscotch, or mint chocolate chip. Someday walking on the road of happy destiny we get to that combination of personality, values, aesthetics, etcs. It can also mean compromise between two individuals with completely different tastes. That is a HUGE word for people.
In all honesty, I feel I can identify with you about the western dating customs being a myriad of confusion. We have so many different walks of life here in America. Every individual is different! I think there is a blurred line between the ultra-conservative principles in a courtship and the reckless independent liberal dating we see from our youths. Beyond that it is just two people who are or are not compatible in a relationship. As well as, choosing to be involved in a relationship for the right intentions and the wrong intentions.
When we are kids are parents gave us ice cream. That was our favorite because it was all we ever knew. Then as we get older and go to new shops we try new flavors. Some people find they like Cookie-dough, Sherbet, or Rocky Road. Some people like to add sprinkles or jelly beans or chocolate chips… But suddenly, there is always that one type of Ice cream we unexpectedly and whimsically purchased from walking into the shop one day!
I found there is nothing better than that irresistible flavor combination that is impossible to turn away from! I have no issue with paying for things.
The social conditioning and downright self-preservation are the reasons Western women are so reluctant to be assertive. In my opinion Japanese people are far more interesting than American people. The thing which I like about Japanese people is that they are very nice people and give much more warm welcome than any other person can give.
I may be wrong bt Japan is better than America. Why is this a surprise to you? It is obviously a cheap place, so you should have no problem paying for it. I learned the Japanese dating customs from watching anime so I copied them back in high school when it came to my crush, I pushed myself to confess to him even if my friends were already telling me I dont have to which ended badly since the guy wasnt interested in me. My country follows the American dating customs so my parents frowned upon my actions of confessing to my crush as well ask asking him out because they feel that it would make me a cheap girl if i do those and they believe its the guys job to confess to the girl and ask her out.
It can cause so much frustration…. It is really a catch 22 in the U. Some of it is also the social conditioning, and how we will be blamed for making the first move if anything goes wrong later, up to and including abuse or rape.
Mm…I really like how girls in Japan are more willing to confess and like u said. Boy approaches girl, date, boy pays and half of the couple they decide of relationship. Thanks for the information. Please keep up the good work! Relationships are difficult enough already without the games…. From samurai hunks to bookish nerds, these games will have your fingers and hearts racing. If you can find an uncrowded romantic spot in Tokyo, add it to this list. Yumi Nakata Japan born, US educated, language teacher.
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