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During my 30s while going through my own romantic drama and heartache, a friend once said to me, "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
There is no doubt that one's behavior is the telltale sign of someone's true nature, words are fleeting. It is the age old advice that actions speak louder than words.
Although I have seen women, including myself, barrel thru these neon red flags of behavior when it comes to romantic interests. One of my favorite episodes of "Sex and the City" is when Carrie's new boyfriend, Berger, is having dinner with the girls and Miranda is sharing her recent date experience.
The girls are coddling Miranda and affirming that the guy will call her and that he is in fact interested. Berger's opinion gets solicited and he simply states, "Honestly, the guy is just not into you. Miranda however, is interested in the male perspective and asks him to expand. He shares that when a guy is interested, he's coming inside when invited in at the end of a date, whether he has an early meeting the next morning or not; and he's not leaving without booking the next date.
In summary, if a guy is interested, you will know, there is no second guessing. If you have to second guess, then he is not interested. Women have all had these exhausting conversations with our girlfriends trying to decode his behavior, to the point of ad nauseam. We also waste time and energy over-analyzing the behavior of a guy we are dating, making excuses for him, and justifying his behavior.
These hours of wasted suffering, worry, and anxiety couldn't be more counterproductive. The truth is, if you are having to try and determine if he is really interested and available, then the answer is crystal clear - He is NOT. When a guy is truly interested, there is no question, no wondering, and no self-imposed drama trying to figure it out. You won't have to ask yourself or anyone else, it will be obvious, because his behavior will tell you loud and clear when he is interested, anything less should reveal to you, "he's just not that into you".
We drag ourselves thru hell not wanting to see it. We waste time on the wrong guy, we lose hours of productivity, and we can end up with a guy that is not emotionally available, who will never commit, and ultimately won't respectful to us. I have always known the answer had something to do with women not wanting to feel rejected, so we lie to ourselves to try and avoid the inevitable hurt. However, through my own recent experience in recognizing quickly that this guy was just not that into me and letting it go quickly I realized something that felt profound to me.
We don't want to acknowledge the truth because we deeply personalize the rejection, to the point of attaching our value and self-worth to whether or not this guy is interested.
We give our power away and rely on the validation of a man to tell us that we are good enough. If they aren't interested, we then ask ourselves, "What's wrong with me? In fact, we are often so consumed with whether or not the guy likes us, that we don't even bother to check in with our own feelings of whether or not we like him.
Miranda demonstrates this perfectly in the Sex and the City scene. When asked how her date was with the real estate guy, she responds with "actually it wasn't horrible".
She didn't say "it was great" or "I really liked him", yet the dilemma was still whether or not he would call! Wake up ladies, this is a two way interview. Your value and worth has nothing to do with his perception of you, good or bad.
Take your power back and trust the process. If you two are meant to be together, there is nothing that will keep you apart. But, even if you are really into him and he isn't into you, trust it is meant to be, for your well-being as and his.
Most importantly, it is not personal and it says absolutely nothing about your value as a human being, how lovable you are, or whether or not you will ever find Mr.
Giving our power away, by basing our worth on someone else's opinion of us will always create emotional suffering. When you shift into what you want, instead of whether or not someone want's you - freedom and liberation will take a hold of you and move you forward gracefully.
When he is just not into you, it is a gift! For now you have the perfect situation to practice your own awakening and remembering the truth of who you are You were born into the world as pure love and nothing outside of you changes this.
You only have to reclaim your power from within and let your own heart sing. I can promise you this sister, when you are over flowing with love from within, you will only attract and be attracted to the real deal when it comes to romantic love. Even more importantly, you won't waste another thought or emotion on a guy that is just not that into you.
It won't even register on your radar, because it just won't matter to you - it will no longer equate to meaning anything about you. You won't take it personally you, you won't allow it to devalue you, and you'll move on quickly and happily. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you.
So the big question is Why don't women believe a man's actions, when they show us who they are? If the answer is that black and white, then the real question is YOU, beauty, are the one you have always been waiting for! Go to mobile site.
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Nicole Scherzinger Strictly Come Dancing: Nicole Scherzinger reveals what she really said to Tess Daly during 'awkward' encounter The on-air interview with the star got fans talking thanks to its slightly awkward and frosty nature. She wrote and directed the new film "Private Life" starring Paul Giamatti and Kathryn Hahn as a couple trying to conceive, each of them having problems with fertility.
So they're trying alternate means - IVF, egg donor, kind of you name it laughter and adoption. So it's a comedy, but it gets to, like, really serious issues within that about marriage and about all the complications of trying to conceive. So the movie starts with the Kathryn Hahn character on her bed in her bikini underwear, lying on her hip. It's a kind of sexy pose. What's really happening is that she's waiting for her husband to inject her with whatever the hormone is that she's getting at that moment.
And it's a great shot to show how what should be a very sexual process - do you know what I mean? Making love and then conceiving - when you're having to go through fertility treatments, it's, like - it's injections and pills and, you know, all this stuff that's, like, not only not sexy, but it also kind of is going to have an effect on your body 'cause you're ingesting all these hormones.
And so can you talk about that shot? Can you talk about, like, framing it as something that looks like it's going to be really sexual And there's also sound.
So before you kind of come into the scene, you're hearing Paul. And Paul has that amazing kind of whispery voice. And he's saying, scoot over. And you're hearing breath.
And it sounds sort of like you're overhearing kind of a bedroom scene. And then you arrive, and then it's a shot of Kathryn's lower haunch. You don't see any heads or - it's not attached. It's kind of her lower body laid out on the bed. And then Paul arrives above her and pulls her underpants down a little bit to expose sort of her haunch. And you see a wedding ring, and he lowers it. And then he says, are you ready?
And she says, yeah. And he's like, OK. And he starts counting, one, two, three. And you think they're going to, like, try some new erotic act 'cause there's all this preparation. And instead he lifts up a hypodermic needle - an intramuscular needle and, you know, spears it into her butt.
And then you cut wide, and you see, wow, that is not a sex scene. That is a medical situation laughter. And to compare it to, say, pregnancy, like, instead of the husband putting his hand or the partner putting their hand on, you know, the pregnant belly, feeling their baby inside, he's kind of like stabbing her with needles in her belly and her hip.
And, again, it's just - it's not the moment that you dream of when you dream of having a baby and what that's going to be like. It's pretty alienating in the body department. I mean, and then of course it's even taken to a new level when instead of having your husband inseminate you, you're lying in a, you know, kind of a - with stirrups and having a, you know, endocrinologist between your legs with some strange catheter device saying, OK, let's get pregnant. And it's not your husband. It's the doctor laughter.
That's pretty strange, too. And you shoot those scenes in the stirrups laughter in the fertility clinic from the point of view Kathryn Hahn. And I have to say the doctors don't come off very well in your movie. Was that your experience? Laughter No, I actually had great doctors. It's a very bizarre job. I love Denis O'Hare, who played Dr. And he - it's a weird job because there's a salesmanship. I mean, first of all, you know, it's not an indictment about the fertility industry because the fertility industry makes amazing things occur.
But it's not an easy fix. Well, that leads to another scene that I want to play. The Kathryn Hahn character is a writer, and she has a new book that's about to be published, a novel that's called "Women's Studies. And Kathryn Hahn says, no, no, no. And so she runs to her email to open the PDF of the cover.
And she looks at the cover, and she's horrified because the cover is of - you know, Kathryn Hahn's a feminist - the character - and in the novel - on the cover, there's a woman in this, like, white, flowing dress in a field of, like, purple and green. And it's so, quote, "feminine," like, old-fashioned feminine. And so she's mortified. And so here's the conversation she has with her husband afterwards, who's played by Paul Giamatti. I should mention that as they're talking, she's finishing brushing her teeth.
As Rachel You know, the bull-[expletive] I was fed in college - feminist ideology, you know, the lie that I could have a career and then kids. As Richard You can't blame second-wave feminism for our ambivalence about having a kid. As Richard Well, now you're not because you realize that the boat is leaving the dock. But before, you kept changing the deadline, remember?
Oh, you know, we'll start as soon as I finish the play, right after I get this story published, once I finish the book. As Richard No, I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that we need to take some responsibility for the situation. As Rachel Whose fault is it then? I guess it is mine 'cause I was too busy writing my stupid book. As Rachel All the doctors ever talk about is my advanced maternal age, my old eggs.
And we're in the middle of an IVF. And, oh, what a surprise, your sperm is, like, on a sabbatical. So did you have this kind of conversation in your head laughter when you were trying to conceive in your early 40s and wondering if it was just too late, if you'd waited too long?
Did you play both parts here in your own mind? I think I was. I think that it - that's fair - a kind of, you know, how did I end up here?
I mean, her blaming second-wave feminism for her - I mean, it's such a demented thing to do, but then I sort of understand what she's saying. I remember my producer was trying to follow the logic of the writing, and she was like, well, she sort of leaps to the - and I said, you know, it's sputtering.
This isn't, like, a rational - this is a kind of upset, sputtering person, and this is what's flying out of her mouth. It's not a well-thought-out argument, but I get it. On an emotional level, I get why she feels betrayed by some notion of, like, you know, be independent, and you don't need - you know, pursue your career. And it's not like Gloria Steinem ever said that exactly. You know, she really can't be blamed.
But I know what Kathryn's character is talking about - some sense of, like, license to pursue your - to pursue the other part of your life - not the wife part, not the mother part but the other part. And then suddenly she feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her, and this thing that she delayed is now possibly not available to her. I think for a lot of women, when you're trying to reach a certain point in your career, there never seems to be a great time to take time away from that, to, you know, get pregnant and raise a child and take some time, either a little or a lot, away from the work that you're pursuing, from the career you're trying to establish.
Were you really afraid you'd waited too long and that, you know, work had gotten in the way of becoming a parent? I mean, it's also - it's work, and it's probably my own hesitation about taking that plunge and what it means.
And sort of maybe as you were getting at in our last interview 10 years ago, my own weird family also played an impact, which isn't really - you know, that marriage and having babies didn't look so good from my childhood's point of view.
So maybe I wasn't rushing to do it anyway. But that combined with the, you know, pursuing a career and being a writer - I was a performance artist, and then I was an actor. I was a performance artist. I was making theater. I was - you know, then I decided to go to graduate school and film and then trying to make films. And it was all very consuming and not conducive to having a kid. I mean, I didn't have any money, for one, and I lived by the skin of my teeth and didn't have health insurance.
And, you know, it was not - I wasn't doing anything that seemed particularly stable. My guest is Tamara Jenkins. She wrote and directed the new film "Private Life," which opens in theaters and begins streaming on Netflix this Friday. After a break, we'll talk more about trying to have a baby and then becoming a parent after having not been well-parented herself. And Maureen Corrigan will review the new memoir "Heartland" about being broke in America.
Singing I want to get married. Yes, I need a spouse. I want to get married. I need to cook meals. I want to pack cute little lunches for my Brady bunches, then read Danielle Steele. I want to escape Let's get back to my interview with Tamara Jenkins. Trying to have a baby has become like a full-time job for each of them.
It's emotionally draining, and it's draining their savings, too. And it's become a source of friction in the relationship.
I think it's fair to say that in your movie, you give pretty equal weight to how the husband and wife are experiencing trying to conceive or to adopt. And they each have their own, like, emotional crises that they have to go through. And I think it's interesting that you did that. You didn't just try to do the woman's point of view and have the man be, like, totally uncomprehending and cold and, you know, not going through his own issues. I love - I'd like - I'm glad you said that.
And I love Paul's portrait of Richard, her husband. And I think when I set out to do it, I remember thinking to myself, oh, this is a mutual midlife crisis.
This is happening to both of them. And in a way, sometimes I think of it like a buddy movie. And I did this with "The Savages," too. When you're writing something that's so character-driven, sometimes you need to create order in your brain because it's not a genre. And I remember thinking with this that it was like a buddy movie. And instead of getting in a car and driving across the country - I don't know, a bank heist or something - they're getting in a car and driving through, like, infertility land.
It was important to me that it was a mutual, I don't know, crisis, that it wasn't just her problem or - I mean, they're both falling apart. They're - you know, they're hitting up against the limitations of being a human being simultaneously.
It's not just her. One of the differences, though, is that it's the woman, it's the Kathryn Hahn character who's getting these hormonal injections that are affecting her mood. They're affecting her whole, like, body balance. So I think that that's Yes, because she says, oh, my God, my shrink had a really weird name for it. What was it again? So did you go through that of feeling like you didn't understand your own emotions, that they were kind of a little out-of-control for you?
I mean, you are taking hormones. I mean, I think that just - even if you weren't taking hormones or if the hormones themselves didn't make you feel like that, the process of going through the - you know, going through IVF is so bizarre that psychologically it's upsetting. And then on top of it, you're injecting yourself with hormones that make you feel crazy and weird. And it's just such a non-natural - there's nothing - as Paul later says, there's been nothing natural about this so far.
Why should we start now? I mean, it's so not natural that it undoes you. And - but, you know, there's a lot of indignities on the male - from the male point of view, too, I mean, 'cause you're saying, oh, but she has all the injections. He sits in a collection room where he's, you know, expected to produce a sample.
And that's pretty demoralizing. And then he has sperm blockage and has to go through some procedure. The document recounting the incident, which Jenkins submitted, should have read: He states that he took off his body armour, leaving his T-shirt, and then took down his trousers to his ankles in order to engage in sexual activity. Jenkins was dismissed in January but a police appeal panel gave him his job back in April These findings can only undermine public confidence in the credibility of the police discipline system.
Those who carry firearms are rightly subject to the highest standards of training, procedures and discipline. The IPCC said that Supt Paul Griffiths, head of Gwent's professional standards department when the case was originally dealt with, had since been moved from that role.
PC caught having sex on duty reinstated 'because his firearm was within reach' was said to be within easy reach in its holster albeit attached to his trousers then later dismissed for having sex with a married woman at a house he did not mention the fact the officers were on firearms duty nor did they. did not seem to articulate a desire for power over their female interview with Alan Jenkins. .. the men 'did mean it', that they did get what they wanted has been removed from his home I am often required to being further totalized by labels such as ―abuser‖ and ―sex . He remains connected to the shame of. Women produce more of this hormone, although it's not clear why, and . the body wants to be relaxed afterwards, not get up and go to work.