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We use cookies to make sure that you get the best experience on our website. By closing this message, you consent to having our cookies on this device as set out in our cookie policy , unless you have disabled them. Receive a high-quality printed guide straight to your door. Our print partners print guides on demand and despatch them within 2 working days. This is just one of our resources to help you manage your divorce, and save you money. This guide is for people who want to sort out their finances themselves when they get divorced.

It is also for people supporting others in this situation, for example Personal Support Unit volunteers, CAB volunteers, housing support workers, advice workers and court staff as well as relatives and friends.

This is because the law for couples who live together without being married or in a civil partnership is completely different. You can find more information about what the law says about couples in this situation here: You could try reading through the whole thing once and then refer back to key headings to find the sections that are most relevant to you. We do not explain how to apply to the court for a financial order. If you need to do this we have another guide that explains the process: How to apply for a financial order without the help of a lawyer.

We do not deal in detail with child maintenance. Visit Child Maintenance Options: These cases often raise complex legal issues which we cannot deal with in this guide. You should seek legal advice if you are in this situation. In all these situations, get legal advice as quickly as possible.

We will use your feedback to improve our guides, inform our future work and seek funding. In the end most people agree how to share out their money and property when they split up.

Very few couples end up going to a final hearing in a court and having a judge decide the outcome for them. There are no set answers. You have to decide between you or ask a judge to decide what will be best for your children and for each of you. Sometimes where you, your ex and your children will live is obvious to you both. But often this is a really hard decision.

The most important thing is for you both to be clear that, if you have children, you are making the decision based on what is right for them at this point in their lives, rather than accidentally putting your needs ahead of theirs. If you would like to know more about sorting out arrangements for your children, see: A survival guide to sorting out arrangements for your children.

Going to court can often cause relationships to be permanently damaged, and leaves the adults involved hurt, stressed, and poorer. Children can often be upset too, even if you are careful not to involve them directly.

So it is usually best to come to an agreement between yourselves, or using a family mediation service, or a solicitor to negotiate on your behalf. However you do it, you will both need to compromise. If you have recently split up or if you have a lot of history together, you will need to find ways to discuss things without all your emotions getting in the way.

Agree in advance with your ex how you will try to come to an agreement. For example, will you find a date to meet on neutral territory, do it over email, or will you use a family mediation service? Nobody likes to feel ambushed and you have a much better chance of agreeing something if you start your discussions feeling that you have both chosen the approach you hope will work for you and you want it to succeed.

If you have a lot to discuss, try and agree what is urgent and deal with that first. You may have different priorities, but dealing first with what is most worrying for each of you can make the other things go much more smoothly. Before you discuss it, think about what you want to agree. What is best for any children you may have? And then work out what you would like and where you can be flexible. Try to stick to the point as much as you can. If you are meeting in person, having the main points written down on a piece of paper can be helpful and give you something to focus on if you feel yourself starting to get upset or angry, or if your ex strays from the point.

Listen to any suggestions your ex makes. Even if you can immediately think of 10 reasons why it's a bad idea, resist the impulse to say so. Instead let them see you are giving it some serious thought. This is where you meet together with your ex and a mediator, who has been properly trained to help you put your feelings aside and focus on the issues that need to be sorted out. Many people say that a positive side-effect of mediation is that it helps them to communicate again, which can only be a good thing, especially if you have children.

For more information about how family mediation works see our separate guide A survival guide to using Family Mediation after a break up. You do not have to use mediation to make an agreement. You may be able to reach agreement between yourselves, perhaps having had advice from solicitors. However, if you cannot agree and you want the court to decide how to share out your assets, then you will have to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting MIAM.

This meeting allows you to find out more about how mediation works, including whether it is right for you, how long it is likely to take and how much it might cost. In some situations you do not have to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, for example, if you have suffered domestic violence or abuse. Whilst the fees are usually charged per person, it is open to you and your ex to decide who will actually pay or how to share the cost — for example where one of you has a higher income.

If you are entitled to legal aid help from the Government to pay for legal advice then the Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting MIAM and any later mediation sessions are free. Legal aid may also be available to pay for you to get some early legal advice to support the mediation process, for example, about what would be fair for you to agree to and then to turn any final proposal into a formal agreement, recognised by the courts.

You can check if you are eligible by using the legal aid calculator here: Check if you can get legal aid. You will be assessed separately to see if you qualify. For more information about how family mediation works, how to find a good mediator and whether mediation is still going to be suitable for you if there has been domestic violence or abuse in your relationship, see Using Family Mediation after a break up. Many divorcing couples want to reach agreement but find direct communication with each other very difficult.

Another option is to use a solicitor to negotiate on your behalf. Many solicitors offer a fixed fee or even a free first appointment. You can use this to get some initial advice and meet the solicitor to see if you feel you will get on with them. They should explain what your options are including mediation as well as what and how they charge for their services. You could ask them to limit their charges to a particular sum to start off with, so that when their charges reach that amount you can review your situation and decide whether or not to carry on using their services.

Using a solicitor will be cheaper if you can get legal aid. For information about how to find a good family solicitor see More help and advice. This is an approach to sorting out your finances that involves each of you having your own lawyer and all meeting in the same room to discuss things openly and to work things out together instead of negotiating over the phone or by letter.

However, in some cases it can help couples reach an agreement that both are happy with. It involves both of you agreeing to the appointment of an independent arbitrator often a barrister or maybe a retired judge. You will need to disclose all the same information that you would in court proceedings. The advantages are that the same arbitrator will deal with your case from beginning to end, and you will have a lot more control over setting the timetable for reaching a conclusion and how, when and where any hearings happen.

The arbitrator may try to help you reach agreement first. Their decision will be final, but to make the outcome completely binding, you will need to apply to the court for a consent order.

The court process is designed to ensure that you will get opportunities to see if you can negotiate a settlement before any contested hearing takes place. So even if you have to start court proceedings, perhaps because your ex refuses to negotiate with you or to disclose their assets or is not making reasonable proposals in your negotiations or mediation, you may still be able to reach an agreement before a judge decides the case for you.

Whichever option or combination of options you end up using to sort out your finances when you get divorced, the aim is to produce a detailed document setting out what you have agreed, that both of you are happy with and that can be turned into a court order.

A consent order turns an informal agreement into a court order. This means that if necessary the court can make sure that what you have agreed actually happens. Without a consent order, it is always possible for either you or your ex to apply to the court for something different from what you originally agreed.

An informal agreement is just that — informal, not necessarily final and not legally binding on either of you. To get a formal agreement — one that is officially recognised by the courts — you must get a consent order. If you have agreed that you want to share a pension, then you will always have to get a consent order because pensions cannot be shared by private agreement.

The pension fund manager has to receive an order from the court telling them to share the fund. To get a consent order, you must apply to the court. You may be able to get a consent order without having to go along to a court hearing unless the judge wants to be sure that you understand what you are agreeing to.

This is more likely to happen if one of you is applying for a consent order without the help of a lawyer. If you want to reach a fair agreement which sorts out your finances between yourselves then you need to understand what the law says. The law does not set out hard rules or use a mathematical formula to sort out your finances when you get divorced.

Instead, a judge has to decide each case after considering its particular circumstances. But the law does give judges and you too some basic principles that apply to all cases. If you and your ex try and agree how to share out what you have between you, the court expects you to take these principles into account. And they also apply if you ask a family mediator to help you reach an agreement without going to court.

This is a very important factor and will be the first thing a court considers. In many cases, it can mean that most, maybe all, of your joint resources should go towards providing a home for your children. Typically the children will live with the person mostly responsible for their day to day care. This is why it is common to come across situations where the person mainly looking after the children stays with them in the family home.

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By finding successful strategies to deal with the loss and pain, both partners can find an effective pathway to facilitate the process and end up with a peaceful outcome. Menghadapi Perceraian dengan Damai. Deal with the emotional aspect of the breakup above all else. Divorce is a time of great emotional pain and enormous change.

You may have done your utmost to save the marriage, only to have it result in a definite end. If you're finding it difficult to work through the changes and sense of emotional loss, it is vital to seek counselling from a neutral party, as this will help you deal with the loss of trust, respect and affection within the relationship.

Learning coping strategies will help you to survive the pain and losses. Emotional problems you may encounter include: It may become very traumatic to accept that you have been rejected or replaced. It leaves you feeling as though you have been rejected and affects your self esteem , especially where you're the partner who has been left behind. Feelings of anger and resentment need to be diffused to allow you to reclaim your life as a single person again.

A sense of emptiness when looking into the future can overwhelm you. Worries about ever sharing your life with someone again are naturally pervasive but can blur your ability to recover. Feeling wounded, sometimes very deeply and not wanting to open up to anyone else about any of your emotions. Your sense of trust can be shattered. Aim to see the positive side to dealing with lawyers and the courts. While this part of divorce proceedings may be stressful, once over this does provide some tangible benefits to the divorce process.

Partners are now legally separated from their duties to be responsible for one another. Moreover, the certainty as to assets that arises from the legal process can settle the messiness that emotional attachments create. As part of coping with the legal aspects of divorce, the following considerations will help a more peaceful process for you: Know your legal rights. It is important to know your rights and how to enforce them in relation to property settlement, maintenance, and custody.

Knowledge can help to keep you calmer and more at ease about what is happening to you. Find a lawyer you click with. Don't settle for the first one if that lawyer doesn't feel right. Sometimes the strain of divorce can be more than matched by your irritation with your lawyer's antics, so be sure you're happy with this person before agreeing to retaining them.

The more aggressive and "take-all" the attitude of your lawyer, the less amicable the settlement process will be, so bear that in mind when choosing one. Consider a mutually lawyer-free divorce. Recognize that a bad divorce lawyer's interest lies in smoothly, calmly sucking you in to a war.

Divorces are largely boilerplate; a Google of "divorce for" returns "divorce for dummies" as the first hit. Unfortunately if you have children divorce may be too complicated for the "do it yourself" approach. Good divorce lawyers are not interested in sucking you in to war. They make more money in the long term by providing fast, quality service that leaves you happy with them and willing to refer them to your friends, family and even total strangers.

While reading up on how divorce works is a good idea remember that book like "divorce for dummies" are written for a national market. They are not State specific. If you and your spouse are able to reach an agreement on every single aspect of your divorce you can draw up your own paperwork using a form found on the internet but you should at least pay for an hour of an attorney's time to have them review it.

This could save you time by having them point out minor mistakes that could prevent the judge from signing your decree. If you have children the situation is even more complicated as there are numerous additional requirements that the State may impose on you that a lawyer can make sure are there and done property.

Paying a lawyer for an hour of their time to review your document makes more sense than spending 2 hours at the courthouse just to have the judge tell you there is a flaw in your decree and that she isn't allowed to tell you what it is because that would be giving legal advice and she can't do that. Avoid bitterness when assets have to be divided. This creates major unhappiness as each partner feels robbed and this generates arguing as to who is entitled to what.

Most couples struggle to agree on who should get what. Couples ideally should focus on creating a new life , new environment with no lasting memories of the cancelled marriage. This notion will help them not to fight over items that will bring back memories and pain of the once held marriage. Have all the facts and figures in hand to assist your lawyer in building a sound financial case and to convince your spouse without arguments and assumptions being involved.

Use receipts , documented evidence, and other reliable sources of information to back up your wishes. This could include writing out a complete financial history of your marriage that reflects the resources you have, estimated value of shared property, individual assets, and liabilities.

While this may sound calculating, it is no more than being factual and facts are your best approach in keeping emotions down. Give your spouse the option of what to take from the house.

You may be extremely surprised at how little discussion is required to divide a household when you free up the taking. For many couples, it becomes clear that there always were "his and mine" or "hers and mine" divisions in the house and it is only when arguing that these evident divisions are used as weapons to wound one another. Take away that chance by simply offering your spouse the opportunity to take what they please. Their own sense of responsibility and guilt will do some of the sorting for you!

Toss a coin for items you have each paid half for. It will even out in the end. Are your belongings so worth the angst otherwise? Decide on how family life should be organized when children are involved.

It is not healthy for the children when parents use them as weapons against each other. Children are not protected from the conflict and bitterness that rages between angry parents. Put the children first and avoid creating situations whereby children become emotionally trapped by their loyalty to both parents. Watch out for transference of emotional abuse from an abusive parent onto the children. Neither do this yourself nor allow the other spouse to do it.

Signs include "You'd choose to live with me if you loved me. Use a consultant or mediator to assist with determining custody arrangements if you don't feel you're able to do this yourself. If the custody arrangements have to be agreed to by a court, or you end up in court anyway, a court that can see the parents already trying hard will be impressed by the teamwork and consideration given to the children's needs first of all.

Be prepared to trial a few systems before settling on the one that works for both of you. You can't possibly know what will work out best until you've given different arrangements a chance. Take into account the children's impressions too. For the greatest peaceful transition, both of you should be prepared to share the major decisions about the welfare of children and to continue to interact with one another in relation to the children's lives.

Deal appropriately with adjustment in the community. Most often divorcing couples have to leave a community of friends and colleagues to join another. Shared friends from the former marriage often need to choose whose "side" they are on. Deal with losses in a mature way, knowing that some of these friendships, like the marriage were never meant to be. This can be a huge loss for many people who had valued the relationships formed and a sense of belonging that they once shared. However, being realistic about the relationships can help smooth the path for you.

Avoid expecting your friends to take sides. If you don't speak ill of your ex-spouse, they have less ground to do so either. If you reassure them that the divorce was amicable and that the two of you are still friends, sometimes this may ease the tension with friends provided what you say is true.

Equally, don't bring up your spouse at all; this breaks the connection for both you and your friends and allows everyone to move on. For more ideas about how your friends see the situation, read How to be a good friend to both parties in a divorce. Learn to regain your sense of you as an individual. This part is marked by seeing yourself as an individual again rather than being a part of an intimate couple.

The intense reactions of denial, anger, bargaining and grief need to replaced with feelings of acceptance. Initially you will probably feel fragmented, vulnerable, broken, low in self-esteem, and various other emotions depending on your gender, whether you initiated the divorce or not, and what has happened through the course of the divorce.

For some, there may be an absolute sense of relief! Whatever the feelings, coming to terms with your new life requires time and the formation of new routines and habits. In order to keep your own inner peace, avoid self-blame. Relationships require two people and the consent and involvement of both. If you try to blame yourself for what has happened, then you will feel guilty, angry, and helpless.

Blame is a useless emotion and when it is related to the end of a marriage, it simply causes you harm. Accept that the marriage has ended and that there are new things to do in life now, including finding a new sense of purpose. Take up yoga, meditation, or a martial art to give you the chance to develop your inner focus and as a source of relieving stress.

Distance yourself from all aspects of the broken relationship. Move on to rediscover your own individuality. Remember, sometimes divorce is just a solution that becomes a bigger problem. I teach couples a new way to interact and will coach you through better communication tools. You might even restore lost sexual intimacy.

For some of your spouses, this might be an easier sell than a weekly commitment to therapy sessions. Your deeper feelings of love and respect will re-awaken. In the hands of a competent Marriage Therapist you have a good chance of saving your marriage and avoiding divorce! By using this form you agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Blog You are here: You might also like Who Has the Power to Decide?

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Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you. Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding. Nothing can quite prepare you for this big life change, but there are some A woman who's getting over a divorce looking out her window. When you go through the facts and you realize a lot of these happened in the last few months before separation, they look at you and say, 'Did.