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Whether you call it chit-chat, banter or chatter, small talk has the same troubling effect on introverts. It pushes us to the edges of a room. It is the reason we are reluctant to meet new people. It is one of those social pleasantries that is inherently unpleasant.
Our distaste for small talk might cause some people to think we are socially inept or snobby. They imagine us turning our noses up at something that goes to the core of our culture.
In reality, the opposite is true. Introverts recognize that small talk creates boundaries between people. Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.
Unfortunately, our culture has deemed small talk a social necessity. Small talk is meant to be light and fun. It flees from depth and meaning. Personal questions are considered inappropriate. Likewise, any emotion besides happy or neutral is discouraged. Consequently, authenticity dies on the vine. The truth is that small talk allows two people to have an entire conversation without really getting to know each other.
Instead of being light and fun, the conversation is flat and boring. It is a predictable exchange with predictable results. Sometimes small talk can provide a slippery surface to slide into deeper topics. It can also help us network, make new friends and make a good first impression.
For introverts, it is one of those annoying hurdles we must cross to get to the good stuff. We indulge in it hoping that we will meet someone who hates this formality as much as we do. We wait for that brave soul who asks inappropriate questions and laughs at all the wrong times. We cling to the hope that our path will collide with someone who is unapologetically authentic. We are ever in search of people who crave depth over breadth. More than anything, we hope that just beyond the barrier of superficial banter we will find true connection.
But I do note it comforts some friends because they can still make a connection with me when they are not up to deep conversation.
Especially very old people. Some people become adept at sounding deep and meaningful while saying nothing. Because revealing something in some families can be dangerous. Many of us have been burned by family members who gossip, distort, even lie about the secret, sacred things we share from our heart. I totally get that. It does give us boundaries; it lets us feel out comfortable areas for conversation.
It gives us direction of where to go deep without crossing lines. And unfortunately, as much as I try to practice it, small talk has yet to become comfortable for me. If we only have so much energy, small talk is definitely not the best way to spend it.
Small talk can be more like an appetizer but not the main course. Small talk as it drones on is superficial, pointless and a waste of time. A lot of conversation without really saying anything at all. When people ask me what would be characterized as personal often makes me feel like the person wants to actually know me—know who I am, may actually care and see me as a person who matters. I hated life to. I gave my life to Jesus. Understand what that means and your perspective will change.
I unfortunately i found that being told to shut up constantly or being told that i talk too much or made no sense making conversation took a toll in later years. This made me stay away from people. This can make anyone feel like they dont fit in. I think you hit it bang on, for me any way!
I can engage in a conversation with a topic but hate the how are you doing? How is so and so crap! I can do it for a few exchanges and then I am done. I thought a lot about it yesterday when I was at a funeral with family I had not seen in years. I honestly do not know a single one of them personally, except their name and relation to me and maybe what they do for a living. I have engaged in conversations with people who I thought were genuinely offering to assist me in doing something and yet three years later I have yet to hear back.
Turns out it was polite conversation with no substance, i actually avoid the person because why engage in something so blatantly unauthentic.
I would really rather get to know some one on a deeper level and not base anything on a facade they create in a 15 min window. Glad I found this page, made sense to me personally! Oh yes, I totally get you there! Shallow is a Hollywood trait: Small talk people have a tendency to brag.
Either about a new car, about their fabulous love life, about their trip to Paris. I really enjoy this post. Im not sure whether im a extrovert or an introvert because i will walk into the office and ask everyone how they are because i do actually care. Family and close friends i can enjoy this type of chat more. I find small talk abit like what another user said; a platform for boasting where the only way you can reply is to either look like you have low self esteem and be like wow your amazing, or boast yourself lol I boast back now, the awkward silence after is just too funny.
I love sharing ideas or even humor when both people are on the same page, but its got to be two ways, i cant do sit an listen to one big fat gob. But I agree, small talk creates barriers because it stops those who maybe have something meaningful to say from bothering.
Food for thought, maybe those who can only do small talk are infact the ones who are socially unfortunate, as i find these individuals cant actually maintain a real enduring conversation.
I agree that small talk is a barrier to really getting to know someone. I smile and act interested because that is socially appropriate behavior. If you tell someone you have a child or grandchild , what are you revealing about yourself that is not true of hundreds of millions of other people on this planet?
If you tell somewhat what you do for a living — again how unique is that? If you really want someone to truly KNOW you, tell them your views on the meaning of life, how you think consciousness emerged, and innumerable other philosophical topics.
People seem to need a little meaningless chit-chat first. Haha, yes, a little bit of conversational foreplay is often needed, Marie. Too bad most people never get to the good stuff. I can't tell you how bang on this card is!!! I feel like the ending is still happgnine, continuing to make way for the new and clarity and focus are returning bit by bit with each opening. I liked your comment about asking someone what is the meaning of life and they looking like a deer caught in headlights—made me laugh out loud or LOL as they say.
Being an introvert and also shy I find I tend to babble on about my cat and think afterwards that I probably bored to death the person I was talking to. Although I am not sure, but I would call myself an introvert. I am fond of having a philosophical conversation. After moving to a new country, I just crave for it with someone.
I do avoid small talks, but on the other hand, I try to engage myself in the small also mundane talks, because as you said the foreplay is socially more acceptable. So far, I am getting more and more philosophical just to myself, without having anyone to discuss on it. I know there are people out there, but everyone is bounded in the social norms. Well, another thing I have realized that its not that bad at all, as it is making me artistically more expressible and creative.
This is so cool. I think I am an extrovert but regardless I hate small talk mostly with family. Calgon take me away! I love hearing how people find this site.
Its SO true in how i feel! I will def have to read more things in this site since am i finally discovered that my personality is that of an invert lol!
You know the sort of thing. However I passed the Social Phobia Inventory test that indicated that I had no social anxiety at all. I went to the hairdresser the other day, and my hair was cut in silence, thank God. I too feel uncomfortable in certain situations and totally confident in others. Thanks for sharing your experience.
He could then pull the trigger, steal DeCastro, and bask in the spoils of his coup. He knew that the talking heads were all going to love this! Since the dust had settled down from the 1st three picks of the draft, this 25th pick would surely make him the topic of praiseful conversation for the remainder of the round and beyond. Roger Goodell strode across the dais toward the microphone.
The entire Patriots' war room stood in anticipation and readied to submit their pick once Pittsburgh chose the linebacker. Talk about a bitter pill to swallow. Bill folded his arms and hung his head, ruing the premium paid to move up, only to miss on DeCastro. He could barely collect the breath to mutter, "Take Hightower".
His momma told us to. Chuck Norris hates him Whats good enough for Chuck is good enough for me. He models his girlfriends undergarmets for her. He fears the San Francisco 49ers - John Fenner 8. Well just saw another reason to hate this tool! It's third down and this dick just runs a QB sneak for 1 yard when the pats are already up by 32 points.
S HE punts on 3rd down while winning in the 4th quarter. He sits when he pees. He beats Jesus Tebow because he's the Anti-Christ. Because he's Tom Brady - Tom Bateman He's a spokesmodel for UGG Boots. That's gayer than AIDS. Just wanted to let you know the Raider Nation stands with you in hating Tom Brady. Fuck the tuck, it was fumble and everyone on Gods green earth knows it.
Or, as he likes to call it, his "Chin Pussy". Send us your reasons! Hating Brady and proud of it! Jackson and crew flippin' the bird to Brady! I'm willing to bet that Lambert spends a lot of time daydreaming about throwing on the cleats just one more time just to pummel Brady into oblivion!!!
Ryan and Jennifer, two of the greatest Steelers fans on the planet, tailgating before the Jets game. They know Tom Brady Sucks Regardless of what the misguided Pinkie says!!!
Pippi Longstocking Click here for Boston Herald article. Riding the shot-ski with Kris, Randy, and Hawk. The editors of ihatetombrady. Patriots drink beer, smoke wacky, carry muskets, and get around on horses It was beautiful watching Tom Brady mistime his passes to his stinkin' WR corps all game.
The look on Brady's face for nearly the entire 4th quarter was comical! SNL has nothing on The look that says, "I'm Tom Brady This could not possibly be happening to me!!! I am going to write my congressman and complain. I'm supposed to win every game! Hey, doesn't that team know I am the best?!? Why don't they back off and let me win like I'm supposed to? What other sport can you be proven to cheat at and still keep your trophies?
Even in amateur sports like the olympics, they take your medal away when you are caught cheating. The NFL has this one wrong. At least 2 of those Lombardis should be confiscated from the land of effeminate QBs and chowda! My only hope is that Shady Brady and his cast of characters root for the Jets so that they may be disappointed once again this weekend!!!
I know what you might be thinking, but no I'm not losing it and I'm certainly not being drawn into the irrational, metro-sexual vortex that is "Brady-worship". Honestly, I just don't derive anything positive from his injury.
I adhere to the rules of "The Book of Kimo": Hit him hard, watch him fall, but don't kick him when he's down Somewhere Carson Palmer is bursting into spontaneous tears! There are some other reasons, I'm sure, why I'm not more pleased with the unexpected turn of events: Maybe it's because Brady is like a pesky fly -- if it's on the other side of the window, I can't swat at it when I'm in a bad mood.
What a double standard the NFL announcers have with him by-the-way. So, go ahead, announcers, and keep touting him as the classiest act in fooball, we'll tell the real story here!
Or it could be that he reminds me a little bit of the Cleveland Brownies -- When they lost their franchise for a few years, I actually felt a little bit sorry for them. After all the years of hating them and their fans, it was a little pathetic and sad to see their steaming-pile-of-a-franchise spread out as manure in the barren fields of Baltimore.
But as it turned out, many of the Cleveland fans chose to root for the Steelers during this even darker period of time in Cleveland when they had no team. So we placated them and let them believe they were welcome So Tommy, while you're out -- if it makes you feel better -- we'll make you an honorary Cleve-Brownie and let you root for the Steelers this year.
Just don't stop over with your girlie-drinks and think you're gonna crash any tailgaters. Let's not get carried away, here! I don't feel guilty for not being happier that Brady's out. Hey, I hate Hillary Clinton, too. But I wouldn't wish for her to lose her cajones in some freak mechanical bull riding accident! So, there you have it -- that's the 'official' take on the whole deal. Get well soon, Brady, so the Steelers can plant you into the Heinz field turf in the playoffs next year if you make it!
Don't worry, the groundskeepers will cover the stain with some god-awful sod that's too damp to be used in a rice paddy That's just how they do it in the 'Burgh. Tom Brady, Bill Belidick are walking, talking ass-terisks. It is undeniable and indisputable. Goodell, the NFL, and the zebras can give them , but they cannot remove the tarnish, the stain that is "Patsies Cam" or prevent it from following them into history.
There is no legacy. There is no dynasty. There is only humiliation and controversy. Followed by global warming, Hillary Cliton, oh, wait Hillary just moved in front of global warming! A good snack, yes, but not really a chip And regarding Coors Light. C'mon man, give me a break. This is the biggest marketing success in the history of the U. When I count to three, you will wake up. Aww, man you spit it back all over yourself! Tastes like airy, foamy, dishwater, now doesn't it?
Not that I'd know, but I imagine it's close! Grab one of those, at least it's beer. Drinking just HALF of a Coors Light makes me think about that snotty girl in Willie Wonka who blows up like a blueberry -- I think she actually drank some experimental blueberry - flavored Coors Light The sad thing is, regular Coors is actually pretty good.
I can guarantee that there is NO similarity whatsoever between the two beers. Sometimes I get the impression that Brady has a link to this site and he just uses it to light a fire under himself for the games. I sure as hell hope that's not the case. If it is, though, use more gasoline next time, Tommy! Is it possible that he just wants to make my life miserable by throwing TD after TD???
Hey Belidick, I got a letter from some orphan kids in China who want to donate their sleeves. They feel sorry for you and think you can't afford a decent sweatshirt. Thanks kids, but he can -- he just chooses not to because he's a prick!!! I love how the league lets him get away with showing up dressed like a bum to the games. That's the professionalism that you want representing your product, Goodell?
C'mon man, grow some and start fining the cheating s. Send more, Jeannie -- gotta' love good literature! And also some fresh ranting against the Haters from the certifiable Scott and Joe It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. The pay is not that great, but it's incredibly rewarding Is there a cheat code in Madden 08 that allows you to put a skirt on Tom Brady? A friend showed me and now he can't remember how to do it.
Pats need to build a dome -- quickly Last year, the New England Patriots laid down carpet in Gillette Stadium during the season to replace some terrible natural turf.
This time around, they might want to quickly throw a dome over the place. With an offense that's built to score points through the air, the Pats looked like anything but the "greatest. Especially because 14 of the Pats' 20 points came from the defense which returned a pick for a short touchdown and special teams which set up a short touchdown with a blocked punt.
If New England's pass-early, pass-often, pass-always offense is going to sputter in the elements, then it would be wise for the Pats to avoid playing in the elements -- particularly because the archrival Colts are playing a lot more like a team that's built to win without a roof over their heads. When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity. Sometimes self-hate is emotional exhaustion from the blame game.
Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you get some rest and forgive yourself for any mistakes. Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you.
I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden, like Tom did, will give you great joy. Thinking poorly about yourself is is kind of like self-rejection.
You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Either about a new car, about their fabulous love life, about their trip to Paris. I really enjoy this post. Im not sure whether im a extrovert or an introvert because i will walk into the office and ask everyone how they are because i do actually care.
Family and close friends i can enjoy this type of chat more. I find small talk abit like what another user said; a platform for boasting where the only way you can reply is to either look like you have low self esteem and be like wow your amazing, or boast yourself lol I boast back now, the awkward silence after is just too funny.
I love sharing ideas or even humor when both people are on the same page, but its got to be two ways, i cant do sit an listen to one big fat gob. But I agree, small talk creates barriers because it stops those who maybe have something meaningful to say from bothering. Food for thought, maybe those who can only do small talk are infact the ones who are socially unfortunate, as i find these individuals cant actually maintain a real enduring conversation.
I agree that small talk is a barrier to really getting to know someone. I smile and act interested because that is socially appropriate behavior.
If you tell someone you have a child or grandchild , what are you revealing about yourself that is not true of hundreds of millions of other people on this planet? If you tell somewhat what you do for a living — again how unique is that? If you really want someone to truly KNOW you, tell them your views on the meaning of life, how you think consciousness emerged, and innumerable other philosophical topics.
People seem to need a little meaningless chit-chat first. Haha, yes, a little bit of conversational foreplay is often needed, Marie. Too bad most people never get to the good stuff.
I can't tell you how bang on this card is!!! I feel like the ending is still happgnine, continuing to make way for the new and clarity and focus are returning bit by bit with each opening. I liked your comment about asking someone what is the meaning of life and they looking like a deer caught in headlights—made me laugh out loud or LOL as they say.
Being an introvert and also shy I find I tend to babble on about my cat and think afterwards that I probably bored to death the person I was talking to. Although I am not sure, but I would call myself an introvert. I am fond of having a philosophical conversation. After moving to a new country, I just crave for it with someone. I do avoid small talks, but on the other hand, I try to engage myself in the small also mundane talks, because as you said the foreplay is socially more acceptable.
So far, I am getting more and more philosophical just to myself, without having anyone to discuss on it. I know there are people out there, but everyone is bounded in the social norms. Well, another thing I have realized that its not that bad at all, as it is making me artistically more expressible and creative. This is so cool.
I think I am an extrovert but regardless I hate small talk mostly with family. Calgon take me away! I love hearing how people find this site. Its SO true in how i feel! I will def have to read more things in this site since am i finally discovered that my personality is that of an invert lol!
You know the sort of thing. However I passed the Social Phobia Inventory test that indicated that I had no social anxiety at all. I went to the hairdresser the other day, and my hair was cut in silence, thank God. I too feel uncomfortable in certain situations and totally confident in others. Thanks for sharing your experience. First of all, thank you for writing about this.
I always thought that my lack of social interaction with people was due to my inherent cynical personality, but reading this made me realize that it is normal for people to recognize the barrier created by chit chatting and in turn become hateful of it. Lots of people despise small talk! Glad that my article could help you realize that. It makes me glassy-eyed and drains every last drop of my energy. I like talking to people, preferably one-on-one about something interesting, serious or deep.
I definitely find small talk boring, exhausting, draining, irritating, and downright idiotic. For example, holiday time.. I am definitely an introvert, no doubt about it other reasons besides. I just kinda wonder off, do other stuff, pick up the wrap from the presents and clean up, which is probably more interesting. I hate crowds, I get anxious, nervous, irritable even in crowds, the less ppl around the better. You hit the nail on the head for me there, Cheryl.
And so it goes on, hour after hour. Use small talk to your advantage. It is how you find people who share your interests so that you can have a more meaningful and deep conversation. Good small talk techniques allow YOU to guide the conversation and get information from other people. A good open-ended question gives the recipient permission to share as much or as little as they want about themselves. Then, you seize onto any part of the information they have given you to expand the conversation.
The book I mentioned above contains many small talk techniques. But my mind goes blank when someone wants to talk to fill up air. I immediately clam up. At least to my way of thinking, I feel like I have established a reputation at my job for being the quiet boring guy.
How do I get rid of this perception? I want to improve my small talk skills for the sake of connecting with people and establishing relationships on a professional level. Allen, I just posted a similar comment below about two years late! Personally, I like to talk a lot, about almost anything. Small talk is a pointless conversation. I honestly could care less. All I can think is I could be putting this time to good use. I feel that small talk drains me. It sometimes annoys me to the point I feel stress and start getting annoyed.
It seems like the so-called introverts here have a greater capacity to embrace a bigger world and a deeper, more meaningful sharing of experience with other people. Funny they should be deemed the introverts. Seems like the extroverts can look outside themselves as long as what they find out there is another one just like them.
Extroverts might have an EGO situation like reflecting back their own sameness or likeness with commonalities perhaps banalities: In-depth topics overshadow the more meaningful works in life such as tragedies or situations where much self-sacrifice is required.
Introverts have a depth all their own that of seeing beyond the outward facade mask that society has invented to hide its true feelings, emotions, etc. I have no effing clue who you really are deep down. I have plenty to offer, just no one here is interested in it.
You are presumptuous and mean. No one is sentenced to anything. There was no internet 60 years ago, so what do you think we did then? I find the world quite interesting, not boring.
I bet YOU find the world boring. Typical person trying to act like they understand something they know nothing about. Introverts are very emotional and caring people. Honestly, small talk is very annoying and it drains down my energy. After reading a lot of your articles and comments I have learned that my son is an introvert. Tonight was my AHA moment!!! I only want the absolute best for my son and I want to be able to always connect with him. My heart is totally broken because I was so blind and misinformed about our differences.
I feel for the first time that I understand who he is and how he feels. I want to learn how to support him throughout these tender years and throughout his life and to be the best parent possible. I sincerely Thank You for this website. Man oh man, I loved this article!!! I despise small talk with a passion and I did not realize how common it actually is to dislike small talk. It is stupid, in my opinion. Never have, never will.
There have been a few times when I have made small talk with people just to humor my husband. I do agree with another comment, though, about how some people who make small talk are usually just people who like to brag about meaningless crap and small talk is their way of accomplishing that.
I am glad I found this article. I am a natural introvert and it has become a problem where i work. I am required not only to provide quality top notch information technology support desktop support but management at my company are now asking to engage in more small talk with the people I support.
My shortcoming is that I hate small talk, out of sheer boredom and awkwardness of it all. I naturally have a distaste for anything that seems trivial or fake. Yet in society we are forced to smile nod and engage in this meaning less banter! I am trying to learn of effective ways to engage in small talk and cringe under the surface of my smile while engaging in it.
I am so glad I found this article. Now I understand much better why some conversations are so annoying. I love to talk , but small talks lead nowhere for me. It takes too much effort to fake smile , they are boring and meaningles. I would rather have short conservation that makes at least some deeper sence. Small talks are all about pretending , attention seeking in annoying way.
They mean nothing to me, except making me nervous. Glad there are more people who share my opinions here. It might sound pathetic, but this is what I become after having pretended to be an extrovert for more than 20 years… very mentally unhealthy and twisted…. Where is the 3-part video series?
Another issue is that with guys small talk is often about spectator sports, a topic for which I have zero interest. I have no problem if the other person approaches me. This can be about any subject; politics, religion, philosophy, history, psychology, etc.
Some get quiet, many try to steer the conversation back to small talk, and a few will leave or even get hostile. Other introverts I know have similar experiences.
What I found interesting with this is that even the very outgoing people can get shy if the discussion goes from shallow to deep while the introverts become more outgoing at the same time. This might not be true for everyone. People start to talk over each other, everyone would have to take turns, people argue, music etc etc.
I would think it would be harder for extroverts to get enough energy with out a social break down of the group happening. When extroverts are in smaller groups along with some introverts it seems like everybody kind of gets what they want at least at some point. I have noticed in big group settings house parties mainly that the introverts tend to stick together and so do the extroverts but once and awhile both groups split away to join other groups. They share the social space not just section off with police tape for the night.
So in conclusion I think both groups need to recognize this otherwise the only way for both groups to get what they want is to find people who are in the same social category. Studying introverts like myself and some friends, i do realize we want our interest to be bought, our interests are up for sale at a high price, infact our interests are auctioned to the most fascinating person of the day.
We want to see something fascinating, something interesting or just something different, we do not want just ordinary stuff. Small talk can be a task on introverts because firstly we count our time as priceless, we would rather have our time to ourselves so the fact that instead of being alone at that moment, we are with a complete stranger who might add no value to us, who might be annoying and intruding, who might just not offer anything sensible to us, we feel burdened.
For introverts personal questions should be avoided, a general topic with which you both have opinions about is best to start a conversation.
Thanks for this information. It makes me feel awkward. Even as a teen, I yearned for deep relationships but instead found friends who fluttered from person to person as the wind blew. I am equally an introvert and extrovert. I crave alone time. It helps me recover from social time. I have always longed for deep conversation that goes beyond the small talk and I do not have a problem moving conversations to deeper levels.
Parents often shove difficult family content under the rug instead of having open discussions. People are Not brave enough to take conversational risks. Small talk is effortless banter where the people involved never get to know each other on a meaningful level. I used to attend potlucks, parties, and other social gatherings that my co-workers hosted. The only non-small talk conversations that are successful are ones about work, and complaining about work for three hours is emotionally draining.
Small talk does not allow me to do this. Since I have a wide variety of interests, I can have meaningful one-on-one conversations with pretty much anyone, but the other person has to willingly make herself vulnerable. My friend from Japan was confused by American social customs when she first moved here.
She was extremely hurt by this. As a somewhat extroverted personality, I like ALL talk, for the most part. Is small talk just less in-depth? I hate small talk because it allows me to feel better than the other person. I love hiding behind my facade of aloofness while silently screaming how lonely I am. I love this article because it totally validates my anti-social personality, even though it has nothing to do with being an introvert.
I apologize for the introvert that has made you feel like a donkey. I think it displays a complete lack of understanding. What I would say instead is that introverts and non-introverts can see small talk differently. Non-introverts can see small talk as a non-intrusive way to more personal discussion. For example, you can start by talking about the how nice the weather was last weekend, which can lead to a discussion of what you each did last weekend.
Which could leads to all sorts of further discussion. To dismiss this as a barrier between people, shallow, without meaning etc simply dismissed the fact that it can function as a route to a deeper conversation without throwing someone into the deep end when they might not want to go there.
A thoughtful understanding of a different communication style might help you to meet it halfway, or even use it to get to the point you want to get to. Dismissing it as shallow, a barrier, etc is over-simplistic and achieves nothing constructive. Seems to me, people are better at giving out advice than they are about having a two-way conversation. Like I could never have thought of anything by myself. This is why small talk is so prevalent and will always be so.
So gimme your hand, let me take you to the river, no one is around. Do you wanna .. And if you want, we can go out tonight and be alone. And if you .. And I'm gonna dig a grave for everyone I hate, when their lives get in my way. Won't you. items Trying to get you alone Let's make this a private party I'm so glad don't Tell me did you see the news tonight? .. We are the kids you love to hate. Die for You Lyrics: I'm findin' ways to articulate the feeling I'm goin' through / I But tonight I'm gon' let you know. Let me tell the truth. Baby, let me tell the truth, yeah You hate that you want me And it makes you feel alone.