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It started with porn. We watched porn together sometimes, more his desire than mine, but whatever, it was kind of hot. I mean, porn is weird and unsexy and a bit depressing if you think about it too much or pay a lot of attention to it, but if you can find a good one and pay attention for the beginning only, it can be good.

Anyways, we watched porn together sometimes and I knew he watched it alone. One night, loosed by a few stiff drinks over ice we drank on his balcony, watching the city lights come on and turn off — the full metropolitan life cycle in one night — I asked him what he liked about porn, and whether access to me or all the other women in the world hotter ones, I even gave him would be better, ideally. With me, and he loved me very much, he clarified , he had to woo me, constantly.

Sex was never a given, and this is a biological difference between men and women. As loving and as open and assuring as I was towards him, he was still getting rejected by me in this way, often and even more often if he would be honest about how frequently he wanted sex. And so watching porn made sense to me in a way it never had before. The fantasy, the real fantasy, was a world free of rejection, from the tired trope of the guy who wants sex more than his girlfriend does.

I felt bad about it, to be honest, as much as I loved him, why did he have to suffer these feelings that he was somehow not enough? By personality, I am a maximizer. The very first thing to do was to switch places. If our sex life was currently running solely on Adrienne-time we needed to switch it to Boyfriend-time, at least to try it and see what it was like.

So we decided that for one week, we would do just that. We would be running our relationship on his biological frequency instead of mine.

I could try anything for a week. Boyfriend was too cautious to be excited, as if I would change my mind if he showed too much enthusiasm. We started on Monday with morning sex before he left for work. But today was the first day of Sex-On-His-Terms week and I woke up to his breath on my neck and his hand running up my leg, grazing the boy-cut panties I wore to bed — and running back down again. He was ready to start. I opened my legs to him immediately.

There was something freeing about the choice already being made. For an overly-analytical maximizer like me, decisions are a lot of work, and knowing this one was already made felt relaxing and luxurious. I made him 45 minutes late that day. He blamed it on a faulty alarm clock. I napped afterwards and woke up to several text messages from him, rare for having just seen him off a few hours ago. This was part of a fantasy he had about my schedule. When we first started dating he thought that a freelance schedule meant that I would always be available to him.

He talked about lunchtime rendezvous — coming home to pillage me and then leaving me naked there while he returned to work. I filled him in on the reality of deadlines and the hours of uninterrupted focus it took to produce something really good. Today was going to be his redemption. I have to admit, it was hot to snuggle back into his linens, smelling him, waiting for his return — to be instructed not to dress.

I was wet for him, more than usual — it was all the waiting. He felt like a stud, I could tell, as I crawled across the bed towards him, still naked from the morning sex, and climbed on top of him. I rode him without even unbuttoning his pale blue work shirt. I wondered if it would smell like me for the rest of the day. Usually I would have let myself out long ago, gone home and showered and have several hours of work at the corner coffee shop under my belt. I had to save time somewhere, and he was probably just going to undress me again when he got home anyway.

Tuesday morning I told him I was going to go home and work, and that I would make dinner for him that night if he wanted to come over. I wanted to keep going with my promise, but I also needed to get some work done so I figured the added promise of a home cooked meal would be enough to tide him over through the day.

I made a lasagna so I would have plenty of time to get ready after I was done cooking. I showered and sprayed perfume in all his favorite places. I was kind of sexed out and I needed to get back in the mood so I put on some relaxing music and laid in bed.

Without trying to get off or do anything other than relax, I placed my vibrator inside me and thought about him — again, nothing too intense, just kind of opening myself up for the evening.

As robotic and forced as the action seemed at first, when I put it away and got up to pour wine for dinner, I was in an entirely different mood. I kissed him, open-mouth, in the stairwell, surprising even myself with my unwillingness to even walk up the stairs before I touched him.

I was already ready, already wanting him and he, in turn, was turned on by my suddenly elevated interest. I wanted to feel his weight on me, and I placed my hands on his lower back, pulling him into me and feeling his jeans rub against the thin fabric of my negligee. I turned, finally, to lead him up the stairs to my kitchen and felt his hands left the back of the slip and grab my ass fully in his hands. While we ate, his hands never stopped touching me — rubbing my thigh, pulling me into him by wrapping his arm around my shoulder, brushing my hair back from my face.

It was, oddly, an extremely romantic meal we both prolonged because the tension building between us was so fun to play with. Every touch was becoming unbearable. We went to my bedroom.

He walked me back to my bed and laid me down beneath him, kissing my collarbone and murmuring sweet nothings between breaths. He slid a finger inside me and held his face above mine, watching my reaction, cherishing my reaction.

He told me I was beautiful, that he loved watching me respond to him. His confidence at this point was intoxicating. He knew I was on board with whatever he wanted to do and instead of it turning him into a greedy tyrant, it relaxed him, it opened him up. I felt closer to him than ever before. When he pulled me to the edge of the bed and entered me, it was slower and more lust-filled than usual.

This was vacation sex on a Tuesday night. He took a pillow and I obligingly lifted my hips so he could place it underneath them and return to pushing himself into me, deeper now. He places his forearms next to my arms as he leaned over me, maximizing our skin-to-skin contact. Convinced now that this sex session would be leisurely he pulled out of me and bent down, flicked his tongue over my clit as my eyes rolled back into my head and I squirmed before him.

I wondered if he could taste himself in me? His finger was inside me again, swirling around, feeling the width of me while he kissed and flicked me on the outside. He stimulated me all at once, like an expert. Every erogenous zone was on fire.

I heard myself begging him to fuck before I realized that was even what I wanted — and he was on top of me again, thrusting into me like I asked, like I needed , filling me, driving me over the edge. He came next, catapulted into it by me spasming around his dick. I felt his heat inside me and his breathing slow, finally. A new Thought Catalog series exploring our connection to each other, our food, and where it comes from.

And Yet, Here We Are! I Asked A […]. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time.

By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. Dedicated to your stories and ideas. A website by Thought. This morning was so hot. The second was more forceful than complimentary: For once, I came before he did — in a hot sticky dizzy wave that came roaring out of me. Sex For Smart Women available now. More From Thought Catalog. Just read this […]. Get our newsletter every Friday!

My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me

All this talk of the man 'getting it from somewhere else' has me worried, but surely that can't be the case for us girls otherwise if they were feeling bad enough to not have sex with us after cheating then surely they would have confessed by now. I am at the point where I want to see a professional about our issues or have the man go see a doctor, but he seems to have no interest. It would obviously seem like an easy solution for us all to just leave our relationships, but we're all here because we're deeply invested in our love for our men.

Hopefully it will work for us all! I presume these methods took a while for things to work for you? Was your partner also lacking enthusiasm to help the issue at first?

Again I am not very helpful but I will definitely post if hopefully I can find something that works. Although it's terrible that other's feel the same, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one with this issue. So he doesn't initiate but then gets angry at you for not initiating as a form of deflection, in the same way that he blamed you for "forcing things" by getting dressed up and wearing perfume etc.

I know that it is frustrating and very hard not to take it personally, as women no longer feel desired in this, but it literally has nothing to do with you.

This is his issue unfortunately, one thing that I do agree with him on is that undue pressure on him is going to exacerbate this. That being said, he also needs to face facts and talk about this more openly instead of blame you. I'm in a long term relationship and my girlfriend and I have and are still having difficulties in the bedroom department.

Unfortunately I was on medication that had a severe effect on my ability to perform in the bedroom. This happened several times, my girlfriend was understanding at first but eventually stopped being so understanding. There's no word to describe how demoralising and how pathetic it made me feel.

I felt and still do to an extent like I'm not a 'real' man. I remember one instance where I couldn't 'perform' - I was screamed at, verbally abused and left to cry myself to sleep. Just recalling this experience to share here is painful. My medication situation is okay now- everything functions as it should- but I am scared of intimacy now after these horrific experiences. I see a sex therapist and am making positive progress but the key to getting anywhere with things like this is communication.

For quite some time I was scared to bring up the topic with my girlfriend in fear of being scolded. My girlfriend felt as if I didn't love her or find her attractive. She couldn't have been more wrong, but I can completely understand why she felt that way. We are working through these issues now, my girlfriend is much more understanding now, and I'm working hard to ensure I communicate properly.

I do see a light at the end this awful tunnel, where as a few months ago I didn't. I'm so sorry that your girlfriend reacted that way, that must have been traumatic for you. My most recent ex we broke up for other reasons had issues in the bedroom department too, but it honestly didn't bother me one bit, all I cared about was that he was having a good time with me and felt comfortable, and we worked with what we had on the day and after time it actually became a non-issue because he felt so relaxed in a judgment-free environment.

There's a quote that goes "watch carefully the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves", it's what I would most like in a person so I try and be that for someone else. But I think communication is key. We're all insecure in relationships, and so there is always that doubt that "maybe I'm not enough" "maybe they don't find me attractive", and so I think reassurance is key.

There's nothing for men to be ashamed of, women are just spoilt that there's no such pressure for us so we don't really understand. I am in the exact same position as you are however I am 23yo and my partner is We are lucky if we have sex once every two months.

We are both fit and active and in love too but the only thing that lacks is sex. I have also tried approaching him about it, even burst into tears because i was so embarrassed to be so upset about the topic. He also reacted the same way as your partner saying that me wanting it made him not want it, but he didnt want to be the one to always initiate it, when I try to initiate it he mocks me or just yawns and says he is tired.

I wouldnt jump to conclusions to say that he is cheating or anything, some women in fact have a higher sex drive than males. It definitely isn't normal though. I have read alot of different articles on this particular topic, there are a few things that have stuck out to me - maybe try increasing his - but if you want to be subtle you both could do it intake more fat in your diet. Now i don't mean sugary fats but i mean the healthy fats such as Avocado or almonds. These apparently increase testosterone levels.

Also, when it comes to the act, don't 'prep' yourself, maybe, when you are both lying in bed, start slowly trying to seduce him or do something that you may normally do like cuddling or something and try to make the seduction semi-normal Also, lack of sleep will affect his sex drive and if he has alot on his mind with regards to his anxiety and depression that definitely lowers the sex drive too.

Take it one day at a time. Maybe try increasing the good fat intake, maybe exercising more, or don't exercise 3 hours before you go to sleep, and try getting more sleep. If he says he is 'keen', just go straight for it up to you. Ultimately though, i have been considering this decision myself lately, if he doesn't come to the party or try - then you need to evaluate whether he is in fact meeting your needs?

I hope this helps! Yep another woman with a higher drive than her spouse here. It sucks to be rejected. Truly is a giant kick in the guts as a woman although I'm sure blokes feel just as rubbish too. I went about the problem a different way. By accepting I have needs. Sometimes that means if he's sitting on the couch tuning out I'll strip off where he can see and go take care of myself.

He usually turns off the tv. And those days he doesn't I just accept his comment "have fun? I don't ask or nag for sex.

I aim to flirt and make him curious. Doesn't always work but I try. Purposefully shaking things up helped too. I remember him thinking I had a shopping list and then going red when he realised it was a list of fantasties. Yes or no husband of mine? Basically what I'm getting at is I've given up feeling shy or ashamed. I don't want sex with anyone else. And he knows that sex and intimacy for me are a dealbreaker. I don't care how we go about being intimate.

But if we're in the same house and he's acting like a housemate then something has to change. Completely understand what you are going through in terms of your boyfriend not initiating. I had the same issue with my boyfriend until a little while ago. We have been together for almost a year now. Until about a month ago we were living in different cities. Him in Melbourne and me in Sydney.

We live together now. He never initiated things with me in the sexual aspect. Eventually I felt that our relationship was kind of in a rut until one of us brought it up. I took the initiative and I asked him about it and he was honest and said he was waiting until we were in a more stable situation so it had nothing to do with him not being attracted to me or anything like that.

That way if he has any concerns he can express them to you as well. At the end of the day you guys need to feel like you can talk about sex with each other. I posted here last November with the same issues I'm 25, he's 24, almost 9 years together now. I spoke to the man after my last post, when I was exhausted from trying all avenues except counselling simply because I'm poor , and I have tried to be so open and a good listener; to make him feel safe in what he tells me and that I won't get upset or angry.

It took him years to tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but apparently the reason he did not want sex any more was mostly because he became sick of it or bored of it after moving in together. He compared it nicely to him eating so much of one fruit that he became sick of it. Now, I know for certain that he loves me and he assures me that he's still attracted to me and does not want anyone else. Apparently he just doesn't feel like sex any more. This is of course as well as some standards such as being too tired after work etc, but that was the biggest reason.

After he came out to me I tried to do my part, to not pressure him and to just make things fun and care free this is one reason contributing to why he was wanting it less apparently , and this worked for a while!

Things were great again for a few months, and now he feels well I hope that he can be more open to me. His confidence at this point was intoxicating.

He knew I was on board with whatever he wanted to do and instead of it turning him into a greedy tyrant, it relaxed him, it opened him up. I felt closer to him than ever before.

When he pulled me to the edge of the bed and entered me, it was slower and more lust-filled than usual. This was vacation sex on a Tuesday night. He took a pillow and I obligingly lifted my hips so he could place it underneath them and return to pushing himself into me, deeper now.

He places his forearms next to my arms as he leaned over me, maximizing our skin-to-skin contact. Convinced now that this sex session would be leisurely he pulled out of me and bent down, flicked his tongue over my clit as my eyes rolled back into my head and I squirmed before him.

I wondered if he could taste himself in me? His finger was inside me again, swirling around, feeling the width of me while he kissed and flicked me on the outside. He stimulated me all at once, like an expert.

Every erogenous zone was on fire. I heard myself begging him to fuck before I realized that was even what I wanted — and he was on top of me again, thrusting into me like I asked, like I needed , filling me, driving me over the edge. He came next, catapulted into it by me spasming around his dick. I felt his heat inside me and his breathing slow, finally.

A new Thought Catalog series exploring our connection to each other, our food, and where it comes from. And Yet, Here We Are! I Asked A […]. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. Dedicated to your stories and ideas.

A website by Thought. This morning was so hot. The second was more forceful than complimentary: For once, I came before he did — in a hot sticky dizzy wave that came roaring out of me.

Sex For Smart Women available now. More From Thought Catalog. Just read this […]. A million things could go wrong and it could break us. I was ready to learn through exploration. I was ready to learn for myself whether Gossip Girl had some grain of truth, or merely drama amongst emotionally immature teenagers. I wanted to push myself and experience through concrete exploration.

At the end of the day, I trusted my relationship with my boyfriend to be strong enough to handle any follow up drama, should it happen.

Daphne wore a tight white dress to the party. She has very high EQ, something I for sure can work on. We each got a glass of wine, danced a bit on the dance floor, and soon found ourselves upstairs. Time went by quickly and looking back, the events all seemed like an entangled blur.

It started with Daphne and I kissing. At one point, we were both on his dick, each licking one side from balls all the way up to the tip.

Very quickly, multitude of couples were asking my boyfriend if they could join in. He said no because he wanted us gals to himself. That was my first time sharing my boyfriend with another girl. Expectedly, the experience gave me all sorts of sensations and emotions. It was as if I was looking from behind the curtains at a colorful menagerie.

For brief moments, the curtains lifted and I gained a clearer vision. However, before I could see the exact shape of these figurines, the curtains fell again. There was no logical order to the components either, yet somehow everything felt harmonious. The next day my boyfriend and I did our normal Sunday grocery run. We had an in-depth discussion about the night before, what we liked, how we felt.

m. It started with porn. We watched porn together sometimes, more his desire than mine, but whatever, it was kind of hot. I mean, porn is. Our sex and relationships columnist answers your questions. I've been dating my boyfriend around three years, and lately I've been wanting for a long time, but I just want to get one hookup in while I'm young. rule: When you think about stepping out on someone, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. How sharing my boyfriend with another girl made me feel. A night of desire and exhibitionism at a hidden sex party. It was a white She was good, for someone who clearly had not taken more than a couple pole dancing classes. She was able I'm glad he did so, because I wanted him to feel like a king.