Cautiously Optimistic About Internet Dating
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I've never really been into going to bars or dating around but I am just looking to find that perfect woman. A alone STRAIGHT girl (not married, not it's complicated, not I got a man but I need a 'friend,' not I'm straight but want to experiment, not I got a girl-crush, not I'm a submissivewant a dominating, not I'm bi-sexual, not I'm curious, not a man in drag, not a male with girl aspirations, not someone surgiy altered.
I am 37, a single mom and am looking to find someone , but not a boyfriend. After years of slowly losing my mojo and sexual confidence, I am slowly rediscovering my drives and desires and now want to find someone to explore that with.
I am looking for a semi-regular hookup with someone I can get to know over time and explore my sexuality, but I am not ready to actually meet someone for the longer term. How on earth do I ask for this on an app like Tinder without getting scary messages? This is a great start! I have long believed that the secret to finding a lasting partnership is less about meeting the one but rather about meeting some one who you find attractive and interesting but who also — and this is crucial — wants the same kind of relationship that you do at the same time that you want it.
This can apply to casual relationships as much as serious ones: Being real friends-with-benefits requires the highest level of emotional honesty and communication in order to make the parameters of the relationship clear and avoid hurt feelings.
Your point that advertising this on your profile may elicit creepy messages is not an irrelevant one, but I do think for maximum efficiency you should be pretty clear that you are looking for something casual because of your existing commitments. And you do want someone who is very sex-positive. One option is to look for people with similar profiles to yours: If your tastes run to the kinky, you could also consider investigating in apps and sites that are more open about their focus on sex, such as Fetlife.
Once you do decide to meet people, remember to take the same precautions that you would if you were dating for more romantic reasons: Dear Eva, I am 37, a single mom and am looking to find someone , but not a boyfriend. Basically, I want someone to have sex with and not much else. Topics Dating Swipe right - online dating for the real world.
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After years of slowly losing my mojo and sexual confidence, I am slowly rediscovering my drives and desires and now want to find someone to explore that with. I am looking for a semi-regular hookup with someone I can get to know over time and explore my sexuality, but I am not ready to actually meet someone for the longer term.
How on earth do I ask for this on an app like Tinder without getting scary messages? This is a great start! I have long believed that the secret to finding a lasting partnership is less about meeting the one but rather about meeting some one who you find attractive and interesting but who also — and this is crucial — wants the same kind of relationship that you do at the same time that you want it.
This can apply to casual relationships as much as serious ones: Being real friends-with-benefits requires the highest level of emotional honesty and communication in order to make the parameters of the relationship clear and avoid hurt feelings. Your point that advertising this on your profile may elicit creepy messages is not an irrelevant one, but I do think for maximum efficiency you should be pretty clear that you are looking for something casual because of your existing commitments.
And you do want someone who is very sex-positive. One option is to look for people with similar profiles to yours: Okay, "think" is a bit of a stretch.
If you try to change men or just don't get them, you'll be stymied -- but if you accept how they are and forgive them and work with them, you will have enormous power and effectiveness. Men want to look. First, foremost and always, men are visual. Men's eyes are always wandering, seeking out that which they could and would impregnate. Why is this so, Mr. The fact is men can't help looking, even happily married men, even codgers who think Viagra is better than money.
So the first rule is, let men see you. This may seem too obvious to even mention, but in fact it is the key to the whole thing. If you make it difficult to be seen -- for instance, if you sit in the back booth with shades on -- you stop Step One from happening.
So none of the other steps can happen. Note that being seen is particularly crucial -- and achievable -- if you are trying to meet Mr. Now let us ask, what are men looking for?
What are they hoping to see? If you're feeling cynical, your answer may be, "Cameron Diaz. Men are, in the first place, looking for "attractive. Well, the good news is, it means completely different things to different men -- but it almost always involves a combination of face, and body shape and size.
Different men like completely different bodies. Many men in our culture like slender, athletic female figures -- some men really do, and some say they do, because they are ashamed of admitting anything else to their male peer group. Some men want the rail-thin model type. But many men in our culture do not want a slender woman: Some men want very large women. And some men don't really care that much about body size or shape. Then we have faces.
Here there is even less consensus. No one agrees on faces. A face that strikes one man as masculine may seem feminine to another.
A face that strikes Tom as sexy may look shallow to Harry. Ralph may hate a lot of makeup on a woman, while Shawn considers it a turn-on. There are no objective standards concerning faces. Even in the realm of extremely good-looking celebrities, you will find a whole gamut of opinions. I know men who think Britney Spears is homely. I know men who think Pamela Anderson is grotesque.
I know men who hate all blondes. Men who hate brunettes. Men who appreciate a good tan. Men who adore very pale skin. I knew a guy who got very turned on by a woman's handshake, if it was "as strong as a man's. All this may strike the sensitive, intelligent woman as superficial, even offensive.
Surely the cultured, educated, spiritual yet masculine man of your dreams doesn't look only at the outside of a woman. Scientists say men and women are both designed to be ruthlessly pragmatic in their criteria for a mate.
Women are programmed by evolution to choose men based on their father potential, which is closely associated with status in the group -- what we now call money and power. Men -- regardless of their conscious attitude to having kids--are designed to look for good reproducers; a low waist-to-hip ratio of around. And in both sexes, facial beauty is associated with grace, intelligence, popularity and, in general, fitness for survival.
So forget about how superficial men may be and realize that they, like you, are hard-wired in mysterious ways, which may or may not be as shallow as you think. Fortunately, many of them don't toe the evolutionary line anyway--apparently their wiring has come loose. Take faces, for example. It's clear that we read far more in a face than looks.
We think we are reading souls. We look into the eyes of the person we are talking to, and we feel as if we can tell who they are, deep down -- what they value, what they love.
With certain people, something about the face feels familiar, even familial. Many people strike us as somehow alien; but some faces arouse in us a strange empathy from the first time we set eyes on them. What is a man doing when he looks you over? On some level, quite possibly unconscious, he or his genes are trying to decide, could this person be a lover or is she just a potential friend?
If the answer comes up "lover," his charm will probably kick in, and there will be a lot of twinkling eyes and banter and smiling read: Let's assume he finds you to be above some basic threshold of attractiveness -- what other factors come into play?
Well, as odd as it may sound, you are being checked out in a number of ways to determine whether you are too intimidating. You are being studied to see whether you are likely to defeat him as a lover. I mean this in the most literal way: The average male who is old enough and mature enough to want to marry has realized that sex is not always a triumph.
I'm not saying he is sexually insecure: But therein lies the rub: Our evolving male has tried, with those few cells in his brain devoted to self-knowledge, to wrestle with this question. This has made him attentive to factors that influence his chemistry with women. Many of these factors are hard to pin down: And how many men have bravely catalogued the qualities of particular women that threaten their ego, and thereby their arousal?
But one area, at least, seems to be a no-brainer: So he tries to screen out anything that might lessen his prowess if a woman invites him to perform. This isn't all selfish. When a man spies a woman who is really "his type" -- whatever this may be -- he thinks he has found someone whose sexual needs he could enthusiastically fulfill.
Shall we blame him for thinking this is good news for her too? Randy and Tom find themselves sitting next to a rather elegant woman in a yuppie bar in the business district.
They strike up a conversation with her while they wait for their respective tables. The woman, Rachel, is friendly, glad to have someone to talk to while she waits for a friend to show up. The men are responding in kind, but meanwhile they are both, as discreetly as they can, checking Rachel out. Now it happens that Rachel, though strikingly attractive, has a slightly hawk-like cast to her features, a slight fierceness built into her face, that reads to Randy as intimidating and as slightly masculine.
He senses in her an unswerving confidence in herself and in the cosmos, and a capacity for aggression, that make him feel he may be out of his league. So Randy is leaning toward a no on the "lover" issue, except for one thing: He is having trouble getting good views of her legs, because he is right next to her, and has to lean back and tilt his head to inspect them. To make matters worse, Rachel has said she is a criminal lawyer.
Randy is a tax lawyer, and they are bantering about the legal scene. But he opted out of court work because it was too scary, and he is very conscious of a threat to his ego in this woman.
Those legs make him wish that she didn't intimidate him, but he can't fight the verdict of his genes. Meanwhile Tom, who is one barstool over, is caught in a different struggle. Tom does not perceive Rachel as hawk-like or aggressive; he came from a family of women who had features somewhat like Rachel's, and to him her face represents not only beauty, but comfort, femininity and warmth.
Tom is half in love already. He is not a lawyer and is not directly threatened by any status Rachel may have in that area. Tom's problem is that he can't seem to get into the conversation because Randy is the one sitting next to Rachel and they're talking shop , and is therefore unable to tell how he and Rachel might get along, or even how she might react to him.
Tom is divorced, has been lonely and horny for ages, and he has checked Rachel's hand and found no ring. Tom has one other problem. Don't laugh at him, girls, or think he's a lout: Tom is a breast man.
This does not mean that Tom thinks he deserves more goodies than the next guy -- that he wants a luxury that he could do without. Rather, Tom's problem is that his sexual confidence is tied to the large female bosom: I said he didn't choose to be this way. Tom didn't sit down with a notepad at age thirteen and write, "I now decide that I will find the following features of the female anatomy unbearably exciting.
Like a man who hears western swing music for the first time and knows he has found his Holy Grail. So what did determine the matter? It could be cultural: The problem with that theory is we have too many different men liking too many different body types: It could be genetic: Or perhaps it was early childhood experience, or lack thereof. Maybe he imprinted on the first woman he fell in love with--and maybe that was his art teacher in Grade Four. At any rate, ever since he noticed how lovely Rachel is, Tom has been trying to lean around his stocky friend Randy and get a gander at Rachel's chest.
But Randy is always in the way, and unfortunately Rachel is wearing a business suit and the jacket pretty much hides her shape. Just as the men's table is announced, two things happen. Rachel says to Randy, "The only place that really matters to me is our family cottage on the lake," and Rachel twists toward them on her stool, her jacket falls open, and Tom has his first unobstructed view of the generous curve of her chest in a cream blouse.
Tom is now completely smitten, because his own sacred place happens to be a cottage on a lake, and he is absolutely clear that Rachel, as a physical specimen, is his wet dream.
Tom now has achieved what we will call a "sighting. He knows right now, with the same certainty that he knows his own address, that he could be happy with this woman. Behind his exterior calm he is hyperventilating, because this never happens.
He sees women whom he finds attractive, sometimes, but they are not alone. And they are usually married. Mostly he sees them across a room or across the street. And he never gets to hear them talk about their lives, never gets even a hint as to whether he might be compatible with them in a personal sense.
On this occasion in the restaurant, all these sad rules have found an exception. This woman is classy, she is smart and she cares about lakes. And in Tom's eyes, she is a goddess. Randy gets up to go to their table. He says goodbye to Rachel, who gives him a warm smile.
Tom suspects that Rachel is attracted to Randy. Tom has no sense at all of Rachel even noticing him. He smiles at her but his smile comes out anxious and stiff, because for him there is too much at stake and he has no cards to play. Randy says, "Let's go, bud," a little sarcastically--and Tom realizes he is just standing there in a haze, gazing at Rachel. Randy tugs him away and says to Rachel, "This guy needs to eat. Tom flushes and follows Randy into the restaurant area, and they order.
Randy says dismissively, "She was nice, but kind of butch-looking. A little hefty, too. A few minutes later, they see Rachel sit down in a nearby booth with a very good-looking, well-dressed man, who seems to be locked in constant hilarity with her. Tom abandons a half-formed plan of somehow talking to her before heading back to work.
What makes men insecure and how do women feed those insecurities coupled by the conscious conviction that society is always watching . “If my girl makes me feel disrespected, then I feel inadequate; I don't measure up. Even when their partner wants sex more than they do, a man might withhold sex it is possible that partners in the primary relationship could examine what the. A lot of people, men and women, can't handle that. Your point that advertising Good luck! I hope you find what you're looking for. Love,. Eva.