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Just looking for friends in a new city

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Just looking for friends in a new city

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This article will cover three situations where people often find it harder to make friends - generally being an adult, being in a new city, and being out of university. The advice for dealing with them is similar enough that I'll cover them all in one spot. They share the common obstacle you're no longer surrounded by hundreds or thousands of your peers like you are when you were in high school or college.

Post-graduation, people are also way more likely to be busy with work and family. You have to hustle more to find a social circle. This article will assume you know my basic thoughts on making friends - more or less that you need to take the initiative to meet potential friends, then actively try to hang out with them outside the context you met them in.

If you're also married, either literally or you're in a serious long-term relationship where you may as well be hitched, you may want to combine the advice in this piece with the info here:.

In university someone can often get a good-sized social circle together pretty quickly if they're good at that kind of thing. There's endless people to meet all at once, and they're often eager to make friends themselves. All they may have to do is join a frat or sorority during their first week at school, and instantly have twenty friends to hang out with every day. Outside of college you don't have those easy opportunities.

Sometimes things will fall into place and you'll meet a new group all at once, like by joining a rec sports teams. But it's also likely you'll have to put together your social life one bit at a time.

You may make one friend through work, maybe two through a place you volunteer, one through the bridge club you joined. You may check out a bunch of classes and events and find they're a bust. There may be stretches where there's not a lot of progress.

When you were a student you may have met a lot of your friends seemingly without doing anything. Like you may have moved into a dorm, and there was an unspoken assumption that everyone on the same floor would hang out together every weekend.

Once school's done friendships don't fall into your lap as often. If you want to improve your social life you may have to be much more purposeful about it, and do things like go to a meetup specifically geared around making friends, or join on a club just so you can meet new people. These approaches may be outside your comfort zone, or feel too forced or unnatural.

It may make you nervous to walk into an event full of strangers and try to make small talk with them. It may feel like too much work to take a class just on the off chance you might meet someone you could go for coffee with down the road. You might hold out for some casual, effortless way to make friends like from before. Sometimes you'll get lucky post-university and meet a group of buddies easily, but it doesn't happen as often.

Try to make peace with the fact that you might have to search for friends in ways you're not used to. In general you shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting to make friends, but I know some people are self-conscious about it anyway, and feel like they're some needy wretch who's bothering all the people who already have social circles.

People get that someone may need to freshen up their social life. They realize that adults can fall out of touch with their current group little by little. Of course they think it's normal that you'd want to get a social life going if you just moved to the area and don't know anyone.

No one will hold it against you or look at you with pity if you try to strike up a conversation with them or invite them to hang out. In fact, they'll probably respect your gumption for trying to meet them. The hardest scenario is to be in a new city, not know a single person, and have to build your social life from scratch.

It's not always that drastic though: If you're older you may have lost touch with many of your friends, but may still be able to rekindle some relationships, or even downgrade them to acquaintances who you may be able to meet other people through. After moving to a new city you may know one or two people who live there. That may not be a lot, but it could be a way to jump start your social life.

For example, you could get in touch an old classmate, who may invite you to a small party they're throwing with their roommates, and you can meet all their friends. Assuming you and at least some of your friends stay in the area, your social life doesn't have to change that much right after you graduate. You can keep hanging out with your current group. Nothing is stopping you from continuing to meet people through all the non-school methods you've already been using e.

Just because you've technically graduated from college doesn't mean you have to throw all this stuff out and start from square one. Once you've graduated you get to go to work instead of going to classes, and that becomes one of your big sources of potential friends.

However, some jobs are a lot better for this than others. If you're lucky you'll have a position in a large organization and be put in a department with a bunch of other fun people your age.

But you just as easily could be in a small company with only six other employees who are all are thirty years older than you. If your job is a bust you'll have to look elsewhere. On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation.

Click here to go to the free training. When you're in university you can meet lots of people through your classes or your living arrangements. If you meet anyone through a sports team, part-time job, club, or association, that's just a bonus.

Once college is gone your hobbies become a lot more important. People who have social hobbies have a way easier time making friends when they move somewhere new. As they're settling down in another city it just comes naturally for them to join a bunch of sports teams, get involved with a theater or improv comedy group, or start volunteering for a non-profit, and before long they've made new friends.

It's a lot harder if you mainly have more solitary hobbies like reading, watching movies, or going for long hikes by yourself. Of course there's nothing inherently wrong with enjoying those things, but at least on the "helping you meet people" factor , they fall flat. If someone has mainly individual hobbies they can fall into a routine of going to work all day and then hanging around at home during most of their down time. If that describes you, try to find some more social hobbies.

You don't need to totally overhaul your personality or all your pastimes, but do enough that you can meet as many friends as you'd like to. Make a general shift towards doing more stuff outside of the house. It may also help to try to find a way to make your existing hobbies put you into contact with more people. Like if you normally exercise at home, try joining a class or running club. If you like reading about new ideas, try to attend some seminars or book clubs.

Maybe the members on your favorite web forum arrange local meet ups. Don't be reluctant to stretch yourself. You may not have any social hobbies now, but that doesn't mean you never will, or that there aren't a some out there that you would like and just don't know it yet.

You'll be picking up new interests throughout your whole life. Take the opportunity to try out some new ones, and potentially meet people along the way. When you're in college you can afford to be a bit lazy about making friends.

If you meet someone you get along with, but don't pursue the relationship as hard as you could have, it's not the end of the world. You may see them again in class for the next eight weeks. There are tons more prospects where they come from too. When you're in a new city, or no longer in college, the opportunities usually don't pop up as often. You have to be a little more on top of things when it comes to following up with people you hit it off with.

Sure, at your job, or at the start of a sports team's season you can still be a bit lax. But there will also be more times where you'll meet someone only once or twice, and if you don't jump on the chance right there, you'll have lost it. You may go out to dinner with a few other people and meet someone whose company you enjoy, and could likely not ever see them again after that if you don't act.

A lot of hobby-related venues like dance classes, rock climbing gyms, or Toastmasters have people who will only drop in a handful of times and then move on. When you do meet a person you could see yourself being friends with, and there's a chance you may not cross paths with them again, be more active about getting their contact information the first time.

If you've only chatted to them for a bit, it's still probably okay to add them on Facebook. If you've gotten to know them fairly well the first time or two you met, I'd see nothing wrong with asking them for their number or if they'd be up for hanging out. The last point got at this. You'll be lucky if you can find one reliable way to meet a ton of new friends. It's more likely that you'll have to test out a bunch of them. Some approaches won't go anywhere at all. Some will lead to you making a friend or two.

Get into the habit of keeping your eyes open for new methods to try. My article on meeting people covers that stuff, so I won't repeat them all here. As you move through adulthood the age range of people you meet and could hang out with increases. Similarly, you could very well become good friends with someone who's from a different socioeconomic background, or who comes from an area with values you're not used to. Look at everyone on a case-by-case basis.

This point is mainly for younger, unattached people. If you're a bit older and you've moved to a new city with your family it's not as applicable. Aside from not having social hobbies, the other way I've seen people end up lonely in new cities is when they live out in some far-flung area away from the downtown.

Not having access to reliable transportation makes living far from everything even worse. It's a lot simpler to get a social life going if you live close to where all the action is, or failing that, if you have a method to get there easily. You have more places to go. There are more of your peers in those areas.

How to Make Friends in a New Town: 13 Steps (with Pictures)

I had a boyfriend who was verbally abusive and eventually it turned into physical abuse. Honestly these people never change. I learnt that the hard way. I was introduced to a guy through a friend, we text a few times and seemed to get on well so we met up. That went well so we met up again, it also went well and we continued to text etc and were planning another date I said it was fine, but from my point of view we weren't friends before so why pretend to be now?

So I pretty much took that as a "I don't want to see you again but want to let you down gently" Nothing flirty or anything, just friendly texts. So now I'm confused, is this just him "being a friend" or does he want something more? Don't want to come right out and ask him, obviously. I don't see why you couldn't ask him directly.

If I were you I would send him a message saying "Look, I enjoyed dating but don't have much interest in being just friends. Total co-sign on this post. I agree entirely with your post, Andrew, except in my experience, men are the ones who have the issue letting go, lol.

I really think men have trouble "burning bridges" and like to keep the door open for something casual. I know this is old Mine is backwards from 1 in the OP. The dumper is the one who has kept in touch. I cut my ex off months after he dumped me but only after I realized he was doing this trying to be friends I guess with occasional communication?

When I called him out asking what his intentions were I got that he misses me, cares about me, thinks I'm amazing yada yada, but thought we weren't "compatible enough". Why even keep in touch? I'd like to know what happened in your situation. I was dating a guy for two months, and we had so much fun together, but I acted needy and he ended things.

He wants to be friends. I realized what I did wrong and would like to date again, but I don't know how to make that happen. Great post but I'm really confused now!

So, I was the dumpee 7 months ago after a 10 month relationship. He did the whole lets still hang out thing but it obviously didn't work.

I've done as much as I could to move on, dating etc and think he's probably been dating too. In the last couple of months he's been in touch a lot, invited me for dinner, hung out a few times etc. Really can't he just be after friendship? He enjoys being with you too, and by allowing him to enjoy your presence without him committing to be your boyfriend, you are letting him have his cake and eat it too.

I suggest cutting him off. If he doesn't understand why, tell him "Look, I wanted to date you but you chose to break up with me. Being around you makes it difficult for me to move on and raises questions in my mind about your intentions. If you don't want me back, please allow me to move on by finding other girls to be 'friends' with.

Thanks for the quick reply. After 7 months with very little contact though I couldn't expect him to commit to being a boyfriend now and he probably thinks I have moved on from having feelings for him st least.

I don't necessarily want that but I am confused why he's back now. Or maybe he thinks enough time has passed that we can genuinely be friends? Which I think I know your answer to! That is possible not likely , but that is not the same thing as seeking friendship, which is what you asked about originally.

Andrew-u r a dork with extremist-type views, but I guess they let anyone call themself blogger. It's perfectly normal to be friends with someone you may have had romantic interests in. Your all or nothing approach says three things about you 1 you are incapable of a mature or meaningful relationship, 2 the type of women you date are probably easy niave chicks who are desperate to date you, and 3 you should seek psychological help for your issues seriously because you seem to be wrong most of the time and seem confident in your misguided views.

I think you're failing to see the subtlety in what Andrew is trying to convey. They aren't strictly his opinions. What he has posted is based on what he has observed of social behaviour. Social behaviour does not adjust to gender equality rules. You can't live in an idealistic world. You have to live in reality. Maybe I'm a pragmatist but that's what I think. Besides, if you do not like what he said, you do not have to read this blog.

He is not committing a crime here. It is rude to be so close-minded and make personal attacks rather than try to reach a dialogue. Make it into a debate, not an attack. Make your criticisms charmingly. But what if you want to get back together with the guy?

Is it still best to tell him So what about this.. Me and this guy have been talking and flirting for months now and he did tell me on one occasion that he liked a girl who was in a relationship. Although he told me that, he continued flirting with me and talking to me all the time. We have nothing in common, literally. He hates animals, I love animals, he hates kids, I love kids. But we still can carry on a conversation and enjoy talking to one another. He had also told me that he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend because he was leaving on a mission has to do with religion and he would be gone for two years.

Eventually we hung out with each other and he kissed me, not once, but twice, afterwards he left because he had to go and it was an awkward drive home because no one was speaking. I wasn't speaking because I was speechless and as embarrassing as it sounds, I was his first kiss. A couple of days later though, he texted me and told me he had thought about the night a lot now and gave me a compliment sandwitch. Where you compliment, then break the hard news, and compliment again.

That's exactly what he did. He said that he didn't want a serious relationship at this point in his life which I didn't mind because I don't want either and he said that he was sorry if he made me think that he wanted us to be more than friends and that he doesn't want us to be more then friends. What does this mean? Does he really have no interest in me whatsoever?

It means he was sorry if he made you think that he wanted you to be more than friends and that he doesn't want you to be more then friends. This is so right. I said to myself "I'll be friends with him". I genuinely do not want anything else but he will see it that way.

He seems decent enough. He was not tried to wing his way into a FWB scenario, which I wouldn't let happen anyway. HELLO, I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months, 3 months to be exact and he never directly told me the ' I love you" phrase but we frequently went out for dates and even kissed like twice but neve engaged sexually.

He admitted and it was evident that he is a poor communicator, would all or even text for weks on end till I probably made the initiative and called or texted. I eventually started confronting hi about it ad he promised to improved which seemed wasn't happening though he kept insisting I bare with him and be patient. Recently I called him and e couldn't pick and set a text that he would call me back the next day.

I insisted till he evenually called me late at night and when I asked him and even mentioned that I had seen him that evening with a girl though I hadn't. Don't no what came oer m but I was in tears,he noticed and quickly re-phrased that he I'm a nice girl and really caring but it seemed his lack f cmmuncation owing to his job is really affecting me and apologised for being a bad friend but insisted that we could still hang out.

I know this may sond dumb but I need assistance. Accept it , cut him off and move on. Easier said than done, of course, but it is the best move nonetheless. Andrew, Please - I need serious help here!

I started getting involved with a married man who was apparently having troubles at home with his wife. We didnt have sex til him and his wife decided to separate and she moved states. He told me he was falling in love with me the day she returned.

We kept seeing each other, getting intimate He chose to go overseas with her to try and work things out. He told me there wasn't a guarantee things would work out, but he was gonna try. So that was no. And he communicated this via email! I found myself waiting while he went on holidays with her and hoping to see what happened upon his return. When he returned, he texted me telling me his back and his wife was returning.

At that point I knew they were reconciling. I found myself so sad during when he went away, to a point that I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. All this time, he kept telling me he had strong feelings for me. And that was what made me hold on for so long.

Because I have feelings for him and 'thought' he had feelings for me. When he returned, he asked to speak to me on the phone and said he hoped for a close friendship because he thought we got along and understood each other.

Before he left on his holidays he also said he wished he never lost me as a friend. So now I am going crazy wondering what I should do. Has this man been lying all along? Was his marriage on the rocks? Were the holidays not 'marriage evaluating' like he said, but perhaps even a romantic getaway for them both? He keeps telling me he cares, talked about our friendship for so many times even before he left. What are his intentions for a friendship and should I cut him off completely? Did he play me all along?

Please kindly provide advice. He might have lied, but it isn't unbelievable that he could have been telling the truth. Either way though, the best and really only viable thing to do in this situation is to cut him off. Trying to be friends with a married man is playing with fire. I don't even understand that kind of thinking.

Wait till a man is completely separated, and available to even go on a date! Do yourself and these women who are in a life long committed partnership a favor, and don't set out to be a homewrecker, and then expect it to work out for YOU in the end.

Bad karama either way. I wish I had listened to advise about not even being friends with a married man. I thought I was the exception like the many women on Baggage Claim. I have only had one partner and despite being in my 30's due to lack of life experience I fell for the "friendship". He seemed like a genuine friend of 3 years. Then I realised that he can't help his sexual desires like I can't help my desire for a relationship. Understand that if he really didn't love his wife, he would leave.

There are no ifs whats about it. You dont want a man who cheats on his partners. You want a good guy. Power up girl and cut him out!!! You are worth a good man not a cheat. What about a guy who was cheating with you, but left his partner to be with you.

Can you ever really trust him? Andrew a few months ago i was dating this guy. He approached me saying he wanted to marry me. And i could not help it so i said yes. A few months later he again says the relationship can not work out so we just remain friends.

I got angry and told him to pretend like we never shared something. But he keeps calling me and sending me christian messages. He then tells me that the reason as to why he approached me was because he wanted to be my close friend.

Is this some kind of problem or a temperament. I am a woman and my best male friend was apparently playing mind games. We grew very close emotionally. Then we hooked up. He was like "let's be friends" and I said "all or nothing at all" we'll either be together or we'll never be in touch again. And I brought up all points you mentioned in your post. He then said that I am having a 'jealous girlfriend syndrome' and that I am disgusting because I wanted clarity and because I thought basically what you stated in your post.

So he exploded then and said our conversation is over. LOL I'm still very hurt especially because we were very good friends for a long time. Don't hook up with a guy who is not courting you. Or if there have been no discussions of an interest in you romantically. Men will try to hook up with women, no matter what their intentions. And then for you to say "all or nothing" after that is like dropping a bomb on him.

Communicate your intentions, and desires beforehand. Just don't give it up like that, period. If you read the other posts Courting doesn't necessarily mean that a committed relationship will come after hooking up. I believe in due diligence. We pace ourselves and proceed with care, focusing on whether we are satisfied with the state of affairs. Guys can back off at any stage of the relationship and we have to accept that.

This is how I write off a recent episode similar to that of Anon Haha above: Thank God I wasn't with him long enough to be introduced to his smelly socks. We will not have to read any blogs after getting our hearts broken.

It is called arranged marriage. I think you're better off. True, you may have shocked him with the relationship expectations. But he didn't have to be a dick about it. Its not a mans way of saying that he hasnt let go?

I admit I would look at your fb a lot more than an ex bf should. This falls into the spirit of category 1, even if he isn't looking for sex. The point is that he has chosen not to be with you first by his action of breaking up with you and now by his inaction of not asking for you back.

If he wanted you back, he would ask for you back - especially when you told him he can't kiss you because he isn't your boyfriend. Let me know if that doesn't answer your question. No at this point that definitely makes sense. But what about the part before with him acting that way because I wouldnt talk to him? Hes been trying to keep in touch since so I recently told him he was flirting with me by acting "couple-ish," and trying to kiss me As if we all act the same way with every ex, because when ppl break up they still do things like that simply because their ex's Plus we are long distance because we go to separate colleges anyway.

Andrew, can you explain then the phenomenon of the hit song by Gotye, "Somebody that I used to know". This person seems very emotionally upset that the person they were with cut them out of their lives completely, even though they were okay with the breakup.

It seems a lot of guys related to this song. Doesn't this song demonstrate that men want women to remain in their lives for some kind of emotional reason? And what would that be? I know a guy who fell really hard for a girl and posted this song on fb as she completely screwed him over cheated and didn't want him anymore and then cut contact with him well, at least for a while. If you listen to the lyrics, he was fine with the breakup.

He just didn't want to be cut out of her life like they never even had anything. But you didn't have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love. But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. No you didn't have to stoop so low". AnonymousJanuary 13, 7: Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered saying anything. My friend's ex dumped her, and posted this song on fb after she cut him off.

He was very upset about it. Hopefully she's better off doing that. This is what I'll do when the guy I'm seeing is going off travelling for 6 months at least for this time. I don't want to see or hear about girls he's shagging in Rio or Caracas. I think the general idea is that whoever is more upset about the breakup usually the one that gets dumped is the one that is more liable to talk about the other being "cold.

If it's a "friendship" then they'll cling to that, if it's a demonstration of the fact that he even remembers her, it will be that, etc. Andrew, I need some advice. I was in a one year and half relationship and I just walked away from dysfunctional relationship on New Years. The whole time I was with this guy, was just not good.

I am not perfect, I made mistakes and he made mistakes also. We do have a lot of fun times together but I never felt secure in a relationship. There is a lot of incidents that had happen, that sometimes we both felt awkward each other but we still tried to work things out. I finally walked out, he wanted to stay friends with me but I don't thnk it's a good idea because I feel like he just wanted to be physically attached with me. Now, I meet up one guy the other day and I like him..

The second time I saw this guy, we kissed. My ex invited me to play words with friends and exchange messages, he constantly asked me if date other guys , i said I did.. He asked me if I kissed him and I said Yes. He was so pissed at me, he started calling me bunch of names. I am hurt right now. Your ex just wants his cake and eat it too I love this thread.

I really need some advice as well, it would be much appreciated as soon as possible. I might be a bit young to be feeling the way I have been but I assure you my feelings are real and serious. I had a serious 3 year relationship with this boy, who broke up with me before he left for college this past summer it stung but I understand the situation. I went on to start senior year of high school He told me he feels like he won't ever be over me and loves seeing me when he comes home but I feel like that's really cutting me short in the situation.

I'm definitely not over him. I'll accept even that type of thing just to spend time with him and I know I should stop I just don't know how. We always have such a nice time together I'm normally the one to initiate plans though, as all his friends are with him Sigh, so that's the having the cake and eating it too? In the back of my mind I feel like he isn't over us either but I could just be really confused I am really confused.

Should I stop talking to him and see what happens? And when he finally comes and asks "what's up? I haven't heard from you in a while Then point out that if he feels differently, then he needs to show you that, because so far it seems to you that he is losing interest. Cite the fact that you are always the one asking to hang out. Then see what happens. If he steps it up and starts asking you to hang out, and - more importantly - keeps in close touch with you while he is away, then you can consider taking his claims about "never getting over you" seriously.

Treat them with cynicism in the meantime. If he doesn't get back to you, then you need to start switching gears and cutting him off more completely. Thank you so much, that was really helpful to hear. Especially the importance of keeping in close touch while away part of it all. I'll do as you say, it's what feels right. Andrew, this is about the post that I told you about how my ex tried to kiss me when we hung out, but what do u feel were his intentions or feelings when before that when he text me to say ""i felt like i was thinking about you way more than I should have been.

Hi Andrew, After 7 amazing dates with a gentleman he calls me up at 3 am to say he doesn't want to lead me on and that he thinks we should only be friends. I am thinking we should never talk again No, it's probably appropriate. As I said in the post, his main motivation for suggesting the friendship is to take the edge off the news. While he probably wouldn't mind staying friends, he isn't going to be overly upset if you tell him politely that you'd rather not be "just friends.

He has told me once before that we cant give each other what we both want and i gave us a break for two months. Its been on and off since Although we started out as casual sex, i didnt sleep with him on the first night and i knew it wasnt about the sex. Am i just a shoulder to cry on? Am i blind to the obvious that its never going to work.

Ok, here's one for some feedback. Have been friends with a woman for several weeks and that was my only intent. Initial feedback after meeting for drinks was "didn't feel 'chemistry' - felt like friends. I just wanted to be honest and up front" to which I replied that just friends is fine in my book. Somehow things got blurred and that friend line was crossed mutually - twice.

A few days later, after some odd banter I got an "I am not attracted to you" email. Can you go back to friends after that? Or is it now FWB? Truthfully, we enjoy each others company and we can text and email back and forth all day long, but while we have a good repertoire, friends could work forever but neither of us is the "one" for each other.

The first time was messing around and the 2nd went all the way. Hmmm, you could be the guy I am currently not seeing. Friends only we said, he is funny and makes me laugh but the chemistry is missing. And yet we messed around several times, which we shouldn't have - and how do we go back to friendship at this stage Stay away, do other things, and then possibly slowly reconnect again.

We have done it before. What about if a guy 21 is having an issue with almost loosing his kid when the mother moves away with the child. We've been dating since dec 17 to almost now where we arn't so serious.

So he tells you that he has to be with the mother. When you find out this, it is the same time you found your boyfriend with the mother. He ends up comimg back to see you or have sex. Then trys to call off our relationship for my sake. But when I act like I like him, like he acted like in the begining it wont work.

He was more into me than I was in him. Though now I am really into him. So that night was ruined. Then it was my 4 time to visit him again because he dosn't even have a car.

So when I went thats when I find out the whole babymomma story. I dont know if I should let this go or just take it slow with him. We cold just stop. But were kinda into eachother though. I just feel more into him than he is into me now. There he is texting me now ; yayy!

I wish we could just make this work. When a guy ends a relationship and wants to breakup but gives the line: There is no for sure reason when a guy ends a relationship and give the let's just be friends line because each man is different; however, there are 5 reasons why he would suggest those four words after a breakup.

Let's Just Be Friends: Makes Him Feel Less of A Jerk No matter how much of a lousy boyfriend the guy was in the relationship, in his own mind he feels less guilty by ending the relationship if he gives the let's just be friends line. He feels that by offering a friendship instead of a relationship it will ease the blow of asking for a breakup.

This makes the guy who asks for the break up feel like a better guy. He thinks that by saying, let's just be friends, that it's an easier way of saying good-bye. He's Unsure Of A Permanent Breakup The man may be feeling that the relationship is not going the direction he feels it should be going and wants a breakup but does have an honest interest in the woman.

Friends With Benefits If the man wants to stay in touch with a woman after a breakup and give the line: Don't fall for the whole friends with benefits after a breakup. It will not end a breakup but make you feel used. If the man truly cares for you then he will want to be with you and not use you for a friends with benefits deal. He Thinks The Woman Will Go Crazy Yes, women sometimes go a little crazy by creating embarrassing scenes, drunk dialing, and other things when a man ends a relationship and asks for a breakup.

By suggesting let's just be friends, the man could think that it gives the woman a false hope that he still cares but maybe he is confused about the relationship. He may even ask for "a break" but does not intent to get back together after a relationship. He Really Wants To "Let's Just Be Friends" Just because a man and woman's relationship didn't work out to how he planned then just maybe the guy actually means when he suggests, let's just be friends.

At one time after all, the then-couple clicked and had things in common. Some men feel that just because a breakup occurred that it doesn't mean that the two can't have any relationship at all: Conclusion Regardless of a breakup, when a man asks for the relationship to be over and gives the let's just be friends line, a woman will only know what reason he gave it by his actions.

Both men and women's actions mean more then just words. Just for heaven's sake do not fall into the friends with benefits trap. Friends with benefits will not glue the breakup back together by giving the benefits of a committed relationship without one. I acted insecure and needy and he ended things, but asked to stay friends because he thinks I'm unique, creative and positive.

I have realized the error of how I behaved, and hope I can convey this when he reaches out, if he does. In the mean time, I continue to date other men. I dated a guy for about a year. We talked everyday and saw each other when we could, became very close very quickly. We never truly committed and a lot of our feelings were left unsaid. I was going through a divorce at the time and really wasn't emotionally available. We didn't even really get to talk about what happened.

He just stopped contacting me and wouldn't respond to text or phone calls. So we lost contact for about 8 months. Well I sent him an email around the first of January forgiving him for everything that happened and wished the best for him. I wanted to clear my heart. He reached out to me and asked if I wanted to catch up after the new year. I said yes so we started texting and have been for the last three weeks.

But have not actually caught up yet. He texts back when I text but when i called he never called back and we still haven't met for coffee. Seems I'm doing most the work. But i recently found out he is dating someone at this time.

So I asked him about this and he said he was but its not that serious. I told him I can't be just his friend i have to many feelings for him Should I be friends with him? My heart says no because I can't deal with hearing about another women. But then I think we could rekindle something by just starting over and being friends I believe this is true in most cases, however I.

Have 2 friends that I once dated. Both were friends before we went out and one wasn't very serious, but the other was. He is my ex fiance. I won't go into details, but it did not work out and we remained friends from the time we broke up. I still care for him, but not in that way any more.

My husband talks to him on the phone abt video games lol! They actually get along. My husband is friends with a girl he dated a long time ag and I'm ok with it. If I wanted to be with my ex, I would, I my huusband wanted to be with someone else, he would. We're not tho and dot want to. Its about trust an knowing life isn't black and white. Ok I have a question for you all. I broke up with my boyfriend who is now my ex on Jan 20th and he keeps calling me begging that he'll change and well you know anything to get me back.

I dont really want to tell you why we broke up cause its probably going to seem selfish so I will put it this way. He say as an excuse to not hang with my on that day was I thought since we had seen each other for two days in a row that it would be ok for me to hang out with my friend.

Ok 1- He knew I had plan that day on the first day we hung out that week and kept asking him if he had any plans so if he did I could change our plans. Yeah I know it sounds like Im clingy but I live 20 miles from him so when I plan to go and see you and you tell me you want to hang out with someone else yeah Im going to be pretty tick off cause gas isnt cheap.

Anyway back to my point. He choose a guy friend over me! When he knew I had plan this so I figure instead of telling me to leave him alone and that he need guy time. He says Oh I want to hang out with my friend instead. So a little later that day he texts me saying Im sorry I didnt know how much you want to hang out.

Oh and if you're wondering why Im making a big deal is that I wasnt going to see him for probably a week cause Im not going to drive 20 miles from my house to see him. I even ask him to come see me but he was like but you're so far away! Oh and he has constantly done this mulitiple times. Now sorry this is getting so long but I want to explain you know what lead to the break up.

He keeps trying so finally I get on the phone and said HEY! Its over im done with you putting me off cause to me that is you saying im a waste of your time and I know when Im not wanted. So please go spend all your time with that guy friend of yours that you so badly had to see. He does anyway and says Can we be friends?? I said I'll think about it. So I get on the internet discovering pages like this saying It's NOT a good idea to be friends with your ex.

Though I didnt tell him I look up that it was bad cause then he would say something like oh those people dont know anything but I believe you guys and girls so I said No we cant be friends. He says well think about it some more and I said what part of NO!

I can tell that after saying this I can hear in his voice him pleading to not cut him off and I said You can call me all you want or text but Im not answering or being your friend. I said give me a year or two then maybe I'll reconsider but it will probably be too late. Also I will say I would like to be his friend but if we do like I said It will be probably a long long time before that happens but from what you have said I dont think we can cause I KNOW he still has feelings.

And no I dont have feelings for him. He really really hurt me when he basically ditch me for that guy. The reason Im so mad is cause he seems to hang out with them WAY more then me. So my question is Should I be friends with him? I mean I know my feelings for him are pretty much gone. Well there might be a little something I dont know.

Im asking though cause Im scare that if I do become his friend he'll think he has hope to getting me even though I told him there isn't cause Im going to date another guy not yet though.

I have mostly cut him off. By mostly I mean I have talk to him a few times but only to tell him to leave me alone. I thought he would eventually let go but he isnt! I keep telling him let me go! What if he broke up with u and u wanna r friends cuz u were the idiot and made him pissed of is it ok can we be friends and dose this mean that we would only be friends or is there any real chance that we could become something again.

What's the difference between reason 2 and 3? Seems the same to me. I found this while Googling a lot of desperate things wondering what my ex can be thinking because after a year of breaking up I sent him an email to say I'm sorry for my part of things he broke up with me. So, in my view I was taking the high road and in a sense giving myself some closure. However, he didn't respond, and I don't believe he is about to.

I keep holding on thinking one day he will, or his lack of response means he cares too much Yes, I'm saying a lot of Sex and the City type cliches, I know , but it's slowly becoming clear to me that I'm obviously wrong and he just doesn't want anything to do with me.

I suppose it's tough for me because we started dating 10 years ago for about 3 years then broke up for about 4 years and dated for 2 more years. So all of that time together as well as him being my first love has really put me in a position of being stuck in a place where I was fine with no contact for a long time then suddenly I was really desperate for contact and really hurt that he didn't feel the same.

I think you're likely right that women hold on longer than men or are more attached. I have to face the fact that he just wants nothing to do with me and that me hurting like this is just hurting me and he is likely not even thinking about me at all. I felt I did have to apologize for my part in things because he can ignore me all he wants, but I know I was sort of nasty after the breakup and I just wanted to make amends for that, mostly so that in my own mind I would know that I did all I could to make my last comments to him nice ones rather than nasty, because I didn't like who I was with him.

I'm having a hard time looking back at it and seeing us bringing the worst in each other. Instead I see him as being sweet and me as being undeserving and awful to be with. I have no idea how to see it any other way. I often go to a place of self-hate and I need to step away from it. I just wish I knew how. When I found this blog I realized though that I really need to stick to the no comment thing forever.

I was with my ex for 11 years until I left him. I always tried to make him feel good he was great in so many ways and it felt natural for me to do so. He never wanted to leave me and to my knowledge he didn't cheat on me, even when the sex became almost non-existent I didn't want it.

What do you think about a professor asking a college girl to do things like go swimming? He's never said anything even remotely inappropriate nor asked personal questions etc. I've been to his office hours a few times and he took me out for coffee after I did well on a presentation. I thought that was fine but then he suggested we go to this cool swimming place he knows about. He's the nicest man and it sounds fun and honestly even if he was attracted to me I really don't think he'd act on it but I just thought it a bit of a strange place to ask a student.

He's probably around 65 too. Is it possible for a man to just want to be like a grandfatherly figure? He wants to see you in a swimsuit. He isn't going to rape you, but he is probably going to jerk it several times thinking about you afterwards. I don't see the harm in going, but I can also see how that might creep you out.

Either way, I would bring other people with you just to be safe. Thanks for your response you too anonymous below I doubt it, though obviously I won't know until I get there myself. I know some married couples have sex well into their 60s, so the drive is certainly still there. Hannah, do you want to see the professor in his swim trunk? My grandmother complained at 80 that my even older grandfather wanted too often so it seems it's very individual. Hannah The chance that he wants to be a "grandfatherly figure" is about the same chance that you'll be sprouting wings and flying around the world by this time tomorrow.

What about if been out with a girl on 3 dates. By the third date she told you her ex came back into the picture and she's really confused but she wants to keep seeing you as she does like you.

A couple of days later she sends you a text to break it off- saying you came in at the wrong time, her head is completely messed, and she should back off before it goes any further. You say it's fine, you hope things work out with her ex which isn't true and she knows where you are if she wants to meet for a drink sometime as you would still like to be friends? I like this girl a lot, not only was I attracted to her but she was an interesting, fun, bubbly person. So I wanted someone like that around me, being friends at least.

She replies saying of course we can be friends smiley face and she hopes I'm fine. Does that mean she means it? Also we dated for all of two weeks. I mean we haven't know each other that long and don't know each other that well. Would even want to be friends with someone you've dated for that long? I guess she doesn't owe me anything. I am kind of confused on what to think and where things between me and my ex is heading.

I met him on a dating site and we kept talking every single day for about 6 months. We met up once or twice a month too as we do not reside in the same city. I had gone for a vacation home to meet family, and did go to meet his family as he had asked me to. I obliged to that as we were pretty serious and that how things work in my country.

I got back and in a week he tells me that things are not working out and he would not like to continue on. I tried to find out a real reason but never ever got answers for it. I hardly made any contact with him for about 3 weeks. Then one evening he calls and tells me he wants to get back and give it a second chance.

I am confused will this work Initially I was happy that may be the second chance would work. I wish it works, but in the process I do not want to hurt myself again.

I started dating a guy mid December and for three weeks everything was great. He was chasing me texting me every morning, through out the day, night , and wanted to see me all the time and prolong our dates. He confided in me and basically told me his life story Out of nowhere he tells me that all he can offer me is a friendship for now. I was confused how he could go from one extreme to another.

I asked why and he said that he wasn't happy with his life. I've been going along with this now for almost two months and its hard. He is my quintessential "dream guy" as he possesses all the qualities I was looking for in a man.

He tells me he cares for me and looks at me in a way that speaks volumes I'm not sure how to proceed. I care about him and love being in his company, we see each other a couple times a week. I know he's not seeing anyone else because he's texting me every night if we're not together.

I don't know if I should continue with this because the feelings will always be there, he seems to be coping better than myself, and it sorta hurts. Wth should I do? Your story is like mine. If he said friendship, he meant it. Just accept it and move on. I have moved on and I'm so happy. Have no feeling anymore for him. You only waste time for loving a guy like that if you want serious relationship.

Believe me, I've been there. A part of me knows that, but why act like you're into someone and worship them only to conclude you just want friendship..?

A 38 year old man can't determine wtf he wants And what is this "for now" nonsense? He gives false hope on top of false hope. After he said this to me, I asked him on several occasions if it had something to do with me, perhaps he realized I'm not his type or suddenly didn't think I'm "hot" anymore.

He swore that it had nothing to do with me. So he's a pathological liar as well as a player?!? Why can't people just be honest about their intentions?

Take this as a lesson, doesn't matter how old the guy is. Age has zero to do with a persons' maturity level or intellectual honesty. I can't just walk away from this, I feel like I'd have to leave with a bang. I totally understand this Everyone kept commenting tho all of a sudden that we would make a cute couple bc I guess yes we did flirt a lot and joke around but I never gave any thought to it.

He's 21 and I''m After all this we realized that yes we actually did have feelings for each other and took that jump. Last 3 weeks have been amazing, hanging out all the time a little more than we did when we were just friends , he texts me all the time, tells me everything and I to him, asks my opinion on everything before he does it. He's sweet and would grab my hand all the time and kiss my forehead and hold me close while watching movies.

This was all him, I cautioned myself because I didn't want to fall too fast right away. He said in May when he's he done than maybe things will be different.

He said that he didn't want to string me along tho and he knew from the beginning I didn't want to do friends with benefits so he said that right now the best thing to do is to go back to being friends, best friends he said. He doesn't want to change anything just take out the physical part so that I don't get hurt and he can focus on school at the moment. He swore up and down there was no one else and he doesn't plan to go out looking for anyone that it's really just the pressure to finish school.

He said he still wants to do everything we talked about, trips, concerts, etc. So what does one do? I will still see him with the band stuff during the week and on weekends but do I do best friends until May?

Or do I pull back all feelings and take it as his way of letting me down easy? He is more than worth the wait till May I just don't want to be the idiot not understand what he's actually saying Your situation is almost identical to mine, the only difference is the age group.

My guy said the same thing about not looking for other people and taking out the intimacy. Yours sounds more promising though. If he's worth the wait Til then just keep things casual and keep yourself busy with work, family, friends.. I mentioned in my previous post that the guy I was seeing who is now my "friend" realized that his job would get in the way of us being together, which I still think is a bullshit reason; nonetheless I accept it because he's an honest person.

He also has been looking for work in the states and could leave at any given time. Even if I continue being his friend it'll devastate me if he leaves.

One thing I've noticed with men is that there's rarely a rational or logical reason for their behavior. I'm 32 and I've dated a lot and its the one consistent trait I can link between every guy I've dated. I've met guys who told me they were in love with me after a week of dating and then disappeared and others who told me I wasn't their type ans then began calling me begging to see them.

Many facilities have wait lists of two weeks, three weeks, a month. Our clinic finds space right away for everyone who calls for an appointment, but our staff is stretched tight. Most skilled therapists eventually go into private practice because you can determine your own pace and the pay is better. Hospitals are so full they sometimes release patients who are still manic. If clients relapse or decompensate, I say a prayer and amp up our session visits, knowing it could be months before I can effectively refer them to a higher level of treatment.

Many times individuals who require intensive psychiatric care find themselves homeless or in prison. There are not enough long-term psychiatric treatment options available.

The biggest psychiatric hospitals in this country are our jails. We have more mental health professionals and more resources than anyone. Admittedly, in social work school I was always more interested in clinical practice than policy, but now I see just how critical it is to see things from the macro perspective, not just the micro I sound soooo social-worky right now. There are so many amazing resources available on the internet providing coping tools and general information about mental illness.

The Mighty is a terrific digital health community created to empower and connect people facing health challenges and disabilities. Their articles are informative and help decrease stigma around physical and mental illnesses. Mantherapy uses a heavy dose of humor to help men learn skills for coping with trauma, depression, anxiety, anger and stress. This is a really wonderful resource. This is an account that should have a million followers.

Go to community-based events. So many people are so isolated. Volunteer at a senior center— especially one for LGBT seniors who are less likely to have children. Adopt a veteran , who might be isolated or in a hospital. The highlight of my week is Wednesday from pm, when I run a support group for isolated adults.

Everyone started out feeling anxious and uncomfortable talking to one another and for months it felt awkward as hell. People need each other. Check in with your people, meet new people, engage with people.

How cool is that? Try checking in with The Big White Wall to connect with others virtually. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Seems like no big deal, but I think maybe it is. Wave to your neighbors. Learn the name of the person who sells you your daily coffee. Take care of yourself. Take care of others.

I think the last time i posted on here I wrote about completing the book of essays I wrote, polishing it up and sending it off to publishers. In the meantime, I was really going to ramp up content over here in order to get marketing going. Well clearly I am totally full of it, because I have done none of those things in the last few months. I had two people read the book, who both gave me terrifically constructive feedback, and then I never looked at it again. I think I needed a break from writing for a while.

As i tried to put this post together it did kind of feel like getting back on a bicycle, except the chains are rusted and dragging on the ground. I published my first blog post the day before my 33rd birthday. That was just about eight years ago exactly. When exactly does middle age start anyway? Is it 42, 45? When you start singing Lionel Richie tunes in the shower?

When you find the first gray hair in your eyebrow? Cause that literally happened yesterday. My biology has a strong sense of humor. I woke up this morning to find three yellow roses laid on top of my computer, right in the window of the rising sun. At first blush it looked like my laptop was being laid to rest. Then I went to pee, and found three more roses propped against the medicine cabinet. I stumbled toward my dresser to fondle my gray eyebrow in the mirror— and there was another one.

Moved toward the kitchen for my coffee mug, there were a few more leaned against the wall, right below my beloved spice shelves. And finally- because he always knows exactly what I want— three yellow roses hugged the top of my coffee machine. When the wind hits the right direction, I catch the faintest hint of basil. The universe knew I was supposed to be born in June. At 41, I get excited by the strangest things. Every time I replace an old sponge at the kitchen sink, it brings a small thrill.

In the mornings, before the sun is in full blaze, I water my herbs and flowers with military precision, making sure each spot is adequately tended. I hang my clothes each night on slim hangers that are all exactly the same size. These are little victories that represent a more stable, settled life. I started my own therapy and am in the midst of planning some career changes that may reduce some stress from my life.

No one wants to meet at noisy lounges anymore or grab drinks at an expensive bar until 2 am. Friends geek out over food with me, humor me about my love for flea markets and fruit stands, send me pictures of beautiful dishes on Instagram.

Last night, Vinny and I sat in our front yard on two orange chairs, one of which was a gift from one of my best friends several birthdays ago. We both propped cookbooks in our laps, thumbing through pages like they were magazines. Mine was a beautiful vegan book; his was, of course, a tribute to the art of making pie. Owning a two-family home is a very strange thing. Does the radiator make too much noise? Are they happy here? Has anyone punched a hole in the wall recently? In January, our very first tenants moved out.

They were great neighbors and we were sad to see them go. They were a Muslim family who owned hookah bars on a nearby street lined with Middle Eastern businesses. When they signed the lease in , we had no idea the wife was already several months pregnant. I learned that a month or two later when I saw her taking out the trash with unshaven legs and a huge belly.

The wife was due in December, so we enjoyed our last wail-free months as though we were expecting a baby of our own. His eyelashes curled up to his forehead and his full jet black hair laid across his tiny head like a rug.

His parents carried him into the doorway of his first home— our home— and soon after, all ok, most of my fears about living below a baby went away. There was something really sweet about having a family living above us. It gave our house warmth, and it made the street feel more neighborhoody. When our tenants told us they were leaving for a bigger space, my hope was that another family would occupy the space, or at the very least, another couple. For three weekends straight, we lined up showings with various pairings of couples, friends and siblings.

We met two dancers trying to get their big break in the city and several sets of young lovebirds looking for their first shared apartment. One couple was only weeks away from their wedding; another was nervously expecting their first baby. One woman was even from Texas.

Meeting prospective tenants was fun. My top draft choice was a couple he Muslim, she Mexican with a little baby girl named Valentina.

They kept calling us and asking questions; they wanted to know how many other people had inquired about renting the apartment, when the move-in date would be, what the school situation looked like. I was pretty sure we had found our tenants and new neighbors, and felt great relief. I was totally bummed. I started picturing stacks of empty, grease-stained pizza boxes and dishes piled to the top of an overflowing sink. I thought of the marble floor in the bathroom covered in misdirected pee.

I thought of noisy Friday nights with two drunk dudes stumbling up the stairwell that runs over my head. Our old neighbors grilled sheep in our driveway for Eid al Adha; I pictured the new tenants asking to borrow our folding table so they could set it up for beer pong.

I thought back to all the young white dudes I knew in my early 20s. The ones who funneled beer and belched the alphabet. The ones who asked me out and never called again. Never once did I consider the good experiences with young white guys like, ummm, marrying one? Ultimately, we found our tenants— two year-olds straight out of college, just starting their very first jobs in the big city. I was sick with the flu the day they saw the apartment, and had no idea what to expect.

On move-in day, two sets of parents pulled up front and helped them move in a few humble pieces of hand-me-down furniture and cheap rugs. It was like day one at the college dorm. I kept expecting someone to drag in a lava lamp or a giant Pulp Fiction poster, but then remembered it was I saw their faces and my whole attitude switched. They looked so young , like kids. They were born the year I graduated high school. Suddenly I found my attitude toward them softening. I felt oddly protective of them, like a big sister or den mother.

Once their parents drove away I found myself wanting to make sure they had sufficient blankets and nourishing snacks. As Vin and I ate dinner I wondered if I should ask them to come down and join us. Why had I been so afraid of these two?

They are incredibly studious and hard-working, responsible and respectful. They work out at 6am before going to the office and keep their TV at a reasonable volume. They do their partying outside the house. There is no screaming or stomping or yelling happening upstairs. They lock all the doors and separate the trash.

On Sundays, they sit out front and read in the sun, just like me. Two weeks ago they rang our doorbell and gifted us a bottle of wine to say thank you. I find myself hoping they will sign the lease for another year or two. Everyone warned us about becoming landlords, and how hard it would be to find good tenants. I was really worried that young guys would be a terrible fit, but the truth is, you never really know what people are like until you take the time to know them.

I take that back. On Christmas morning I opened an envelope with an itinerary he created— a few nights each in Charleston and Savannah, with print-outs of the most expensive hotels in each city because Christmas mornings are for wildest dreams and looming debt. We delayed booking until we filled our vacant apartment, but once we did, we hopped online and decided to go away for our 15th anniversary. We stayed in room 5 of this cute pink bed and breakfast very conveniently located in downtown Charleston.

We booked it last minute on bedandbreakfast. Also, I gotta give props to that four-poster bed. No one greeted us, and we never met an innkeeper. Rather, our keys were obtained from an envelope in a property down the street. Breakfast was also served down the street, but I never ended up going for it since Charleston is known for its food! Not one sweet, sweet drop!

Who could live like this? On the brighter side, the lack of in-house brew forced us to get up early and beat the crowds for breakfast: Another thing to know before booking is that the hotel is a few blocks from the medical center and we heard emergency helicopters hovering overhead a few nights which scared the shit out of me until I realized what was going on. Charleston is a super quick flight from NYC I think it was less than 2 hours!

We met all these goals. Downtown Charleston is super walkable, and there are a million guides on the internet to lead you toward the most popular areas to walk around in.

We also visited a plantation in nearby Mt. Pleasant, and I certainly would recommend that as well. There are a few to choose in the area; we chose the one that offered the most insights into what life was like for the slaves on the plantations. Boone Hall Plantation is the only plantation in the S. Low country to present a live presentation of the Gullah culture adapted by African slaves and they have eight former slave cabins you can walk through to learn more about the conditions for slaves on the plantation.

Country Fried chicken with gravy and mashed potatoes very much like the Chicken Fried Chicken I grew up eating in TX , Lump Crabcakes with creamed corn super generous with the crab, but they could have punched up the flavor a bit , pimento cheese fritters with green tomato jam the real MVP , and she-crab soup—very tasty but realllllly heavy. Very good food, super charming atmosphere, lovely service, a little on the pricier side. Oh yeah… great cocktails too! Hominy Grill — Highly Recommended!

Bread Pudding French Toast with Bourbon Caramel Sauce as good as it sounds and their classic Shrimp and Grits with scallions, bacon and mushrooms over cheese grits like heaven, but seriously. I just loved this place, and it was literally a five-minute walk from our inn, which was perfect to beat the morning crowds. On our second visit, I had the grits bowl topped with mushrooms and leeks and side order of bacon I got to crumble on top: I wish this place was in my neighborhood.

We tried the Lemon Curd and the Raspberry. Small, light, lovely little place. Fleet Landing - Recommended, especially for atmosphere. Not my favorite meal of the trip, but did the job. All the in-the-know gals who travel to Charleston thanks Victoria! But trust me, when you need a quick break from heavy home cooking, this place really hits the spot! Line up early because this place is small, popular and fantastic!

The restaurant is in the carriage house of the Wentworth Mansion one of the fancy printouts Vin made on Christmas morning and serves some really exceptional high-end Southern cuisine.

So many flavors— everything was covered. The chocolate was practically unsweetened and the benne seeds which are popular in the Carolinas, and are basically sesame seeds with a more toasted flavor added lots of texture and crunch. Plus, how pretty is this thing??

This new search engine reveals personal records of millions of Americans. There are a few ways through which you can make friends in a city you just moved. Ask your current friends if they know anyone in your new city. You just might meet a new BFF in the process! 8. Search events on Nearify. If you want to make friends after you move, you have to be willing to put app also helps connect people who are just looking for friends. When you're in the process of making friends in a new city, town, or even just a new.